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Thread ID: 59479	2005-07-03 22:43:00	Monday Laughs: More Quotes from Steven Wright	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
369091	2005-07-03 22:43:00	Following on from last week: When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. I intend to live forever - so far, so good. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have any film. Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
369092	2005-07-04 21:41:00	There seems to be a mid-winter shortage of joke contributions right now, so here's one from Oz to spread a little sunshine: When Shane Warne and Simone first got married, Shane said, "I am putting a special box under our bed, and you must promise never to look in it." In all their years of marriage, Simone had never looked however, recently, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why Shane kept the bos there at all with such strange contents. That evening, they were out for a special dinner. After dinner, Simone could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?" Shane thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." Simone was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened by your behaviour. However, since you are addicted to sex, I suppose it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem." Shane thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Simone asked Shane, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" Shane answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling centre and redeemed them for cash." Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
369093	2005-07-04 21:55:00	Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder 1. All the DNA is the same. 2. There are no dental records.	user (1404)
369094	2005-07-04 22:53:00	Five surgeons are discussing who make the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; Everything inside is in alphabetical order. The fourth surgeon chimes in "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."	smithie 38 (6684)
369095	2005-07-05 00:07:00	Bugger "no pain, no gain". I say no pain, no pain! :cool:	Greg (193)
369096	2005-07-05 02:52:00	A farmer walks into the Sears store in the middle of a cold January day and tells the man behind the counter, "I need me one of them thar new auto-matic milkin' machines for milkin' cows." "That's absolutely no problem, sir", said the clerk. "First, I need to know how may cows you milk". "Well, I got one milk, cow. Yessir, just the one." "Pardon me, but why would you want to get an auto-matic milking machine for just one cow? Seems like an awful waste of money." "Wellssir, let me tell you what happened last evening. I went out to the barn to milk that cow, and it was really cold. Well, I got down there and put the bucket in place, and when I grabbed the teats, the cow kicked me with her left leg, and knocked me clean over. Well, I just got me a piece of rope, and tied her left leg to the nearest post, and went back at it. This time she kicked me with her right leg, and knocked me clean over, again. So I got me another piece of rope, and tied her right leg to another post. Wellssir, the ropes was in my way, now, so I had to get behind her and milk her from back there. When I grabbed the teats, she smacked me across the face with her tail, which was covered with frozen mud, and it stung like heck! So I got me another piece of rope, and I tied it to the end of her tail, and slung it up over a rafter beam. Wellssir, when I did that, two things happened. First, my bib overalls came undone at the straps and fell down around my ankles, and second, my wife walked into the barn to see if I needed any help. And that's why I need one of them milkin' machines."	andrew93 (249)
369097	2005-07-05 05:18:00	Not sure if this has already been on here already, but here goes anywho www.scintilla.utwente.nl my favourite www.mamselle.ca http://www.coxar.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/ www.moock.org www.thesistersofmercy.com www.plinko.net my second favourite www.scrynet.com	Morgenmuffel (187)
369098	2005-07-05 08:29:00	I think this one is the best... www.homestarrunner.com/madeupurl	pine-o-cleen (2955)
369099	2005-07-08 06:40:00	Shane Warne's team mates were perplexed one morning to see Shane walk into the change rooms with a pair of women's panties wound around his right bicep. Being somewhat used to Shane's unusual recreational tendencies, they made no comment and went about getting ready for the game. Shane kept the panties on his arm as his team took to the field; they lost the toss, and their opponents elected to bat. The day wore on; Shane bowled a few overs and the batsman came and went with puzzled expressions on their faces but no one dared ask about the panties. Finally, Ricky Ponting walked up to Shane between overs and gently whispered to him. "Er Shane," he said, "We've come to expect many unusual things from you, but we're a bit worried that you seem to be wearing a pair of women's panties on your arm. Please tell me this doesn't mean more trouble." "Oh no," said Shane, "It's a Patch. I'm trying to quit!!" Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
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