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Thread ID: 60413	2005-07-31 22:25:00	Monday Laughs: How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
377140	2005-07-31 22:25:00	How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb? 1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb? 2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. 3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! 4. Rottweiler: So make me! 5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. 6. Labrador: Oh, me, me! Pleeeeeeeeese let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeease, please, please, please! 7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I lead these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation. 8. Jack Russell terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture. 9. Old English sheep dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb. 10. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. 11. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there. 12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? 13. Australian cattle dog: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.... 14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. The cat's answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?" Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
377141	2005-07-31 23:00:00	Bring on the light bulb jokes ! www.netfunny.com Billy, did you change the sheep dog from NZ to Aussie? My contribution : Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; it's condition is improving every day. Any reports of it's lack of incandescence are totally unfounded, and the result of delusional "spin" assaults from the fanatic, elitist, liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect and dims it's ego. Why do you hate freedom? A	andrew93 (249)
377142	2005-07-31 23:05:00	"TOWEL HEADS" Recently I received a warning about the use of this politically incorrect term, so please note, we all need to be more sensitive in our choice of words. I have been informed the Islamic terrorists, who hate our guts and want to kill us, do not like to be called "Towel Heads", since the item they wear on their heads is not actually a towel, but in fact, a small folded sheet. Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as "Little Sheet Heads." Thank you for your support and compliance on this delicate matter.	smithie 38 (6684)
377143	2005-07-31 23:12:00	Tough Teacher A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body . It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all . On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school . Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work . When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest . Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!	FoxyMX (5)
377144	2005-08-01 01:15:00	SOCIAL SECURITY SEX Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!" LOUD SEX A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he letsout this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!" QUIET SEX Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!" CONFOUNDED SEX A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. Thedoctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen". WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'" WOMEN'S HUMOR Nora's husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, she squirted it all over the doorknobs and he couldn't get back in. A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says..... "I'll miss you."	miknz (3731)
377145	2005-08-01 01:49:00	Par.... A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what you doing?"she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."	olwyn (8088)
377146	2005-08-01 01:58:00	A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours . He also invited Jimmy, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood . He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion . Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting . At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in . " The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool! Jimmy was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of sh*t like head butts and choke holds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of judo instructor . The water was churning and splashing everywhere . Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell . Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish . Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool . Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief . Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars . " "Nah, you right, I don't want it," said Jimmy . The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something . You won the bet . How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks, I don't want it," answered Jimmy . The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something, that was amazing . How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Jimmy said no . Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Jimmy, then what do you want?" Jimmy said, "I want the name of the bastard who pushed me in the pool!"	FoxyMX (5)
377147	2005-08-01 05:48:00	A guy walks into a bar with a large wire cage containing an alligator . Placing the cage on the bar, he asks: "Is there anyone here who would like to wager that I can place my manhood in the alligator's mouth for 60 seconds and get him to release me unharmed"? A couple of guys walk over and place $100 . 00 each on the bar and the guy covers the bets, opens the cage and places his manhood in the alligator's mouth . After 60 seconds, he takes a beer bottle and hits the alligator on the head removing his parts for the mouth of the reptile . He asks if anyone would like to see it a second time, and a cute blonde woman stands up, walks over to the man and put another $100 . 00 on the bar . And walking closer to the bar, she says: "I'd like to see you do that again, but I have a small request . " "Sure", says the guy, "What's it gonna be?" "Please dont' hit me with the bottle when the 60 seconds is up" .	SurferJoe46 (51)
377148	2005-08-01 05:54:00	A guy is standing in front of a doctor's desk and the doc looks up and says: "What can I do for you"? The guy tells him that he is suffering from "Silent Gasseous Emissions" and needs some help . The doc asks why he thinks he needs help, and the guy says: "Well, doc, you see, on the way over here on the bus, I had three Silent Gasseous Emissions . Coming up the elevator to your office I had another two . Sitting in your waiting room, I had another half dozen or so, and right here in front of you I have had another four . What can you do for me?" "Well", the doctor says, "First I think we're gonna test your hearing!"	SurferJoe46 (51)
377149	2005-08-01 09:06:00	Subject: Hospital When a panel of doctors were asked to vote on the new hospital issue : The Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists preferred no rash moves . The Gastro-enterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated they were laboring under a mis-conception . The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!", while the Pediatricians said, "Grow up!" The Psychiatrists thought it was madness; the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing, and the Radiologists could see right through it! The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow but the Plastic Surgeon said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter . " The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water . The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no . In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some ******* who didn't give a ****	Cicero (40)
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