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Thread ID: 60625	2005-08-07 20:10:00	Monday Laughs: Mums are smarter than you think!	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
379348	2005-08-07 20:10:00	John invited his mother over for dinner . During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's flatmate Julie was . She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his flatmate, and this only made her more curious . Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the flatmate than met the eye . Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just flatmates . " About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find my beautiful silver gravy ladle . You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure . " So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mum, I'm not saying you 'did' take Julie's gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take Julie's gravy ladle . But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner . Love, John" Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie . But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found her gravy ladle by now! Love, Mom" Moral Of The Story: Not only are mums smart, but they're often two steps ahead of everyone else!!	Billy T (70)
379349	2005-08-07 21:39:00	Very nice B,I liked that one . YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN WELLINGTON WHEN . . . . . . 1 . You can wake up during an earthquake and think that it's just the wind that's shaking your house . 2 . You can say "Wellington is full of ferries" and not be considered homophobic . 3 . You can recognise half the city's population when walking down the street . 4 . You can afford a $1000 suit but still flat in a house that requires 3 sets of clothing and two dehumidifiers to stay warm . 5 . You see someone travelling 100kph on the motorway and you complain how fast people travel these days . 6 . You walk from the Railway Station to Willis Street without ever checking for traffic . 7 . "Just turn left at the first Starbucks, walk down the street till you get to the third Starbucks, turn right, go 3 starbucks up and you're there" 8 . Seeing the Brooklyn Wind Turbine not turning is a newsworthy event . 9 . It takes you 20 minutes to drive around the block in peak traffic due to the 'one way system' . 10 . Boarding a Stagecoach bus is a hazardous activity . 1 1 . You take a bodyguard down Courtenay Place in case you bump into a drunken politician . 12 . The centre line is negotiable, especially on the Brooklyn & Hataitai hills where parked cars can take up 80% of the road . 1 3 . You get altitude sickness going from your car to your front door . 14 . You have to leave the city to do your shopping . 15 . Any wind that doesn't threaten to take your roof off is just a 'bit of a breeze' . 1 6 . You can detect 27 different shades of black suit . 1 7 . When an earthquake hits, instead of hiding under your desk, you hold a bet with your workmates on the force, focus and epicentre . 1 8 . When giving directions to tourists, you point up . 1 9 . You go out for your $5 coffee with friends and complain how expensive Auckland is . YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM THE HUTT WHEN . . . 1 . You can wake up thinking it's an earthquake but it's just a subwoofer 2 . You can say "Wellington is full of ferries" because you are homophobic . 3 . You can recognise half your city's population in the drink-drive notices or the court news 4 . You can't afford a $1000 suit 5 . You see someone travelling 100kph on the motorway and drive right up their ass until you can pass them on the inside (and give them the finger) . 6 . You walk from the Railway Station to Willis Street because you can't afford the bus . 7 . "Just turn left at the first StarMart, walk down the street till you get to the third StarMart, turn right, go 3 Star Marts and you've bought your family's shopping for the week: 18 pinky bars, 6 pies, 47 chuppa chups . 8 . Seeing the Brooklyn Wind Turbine is just too freaky man . 9 . It takes you 20 minutes to drive from Wellington to Masterton . 10 . Boarding a Stagecoach bus is too complicated . 1 1 . You take a bodyguard to the supermarket . 12 . The centre line is negotiable 1 3 . You get morning sickness most Mondays . 14 . You have to wait til the neighbours are out to do your Christmas shopping . 15 . Any wind that doesn't threaten to take your roof off is just another P lab exploding 1 6 . You can detect 27 different shades of black jeans . 1 7 . When an earthquake hits, instead of hiding under your desk, you hold a bet with the other people in the dole line on the force, focus and epicentre . 1 8 . When giving directions to tourists, you point up and then try and nick their wallet while they're looking up . 1 9 . You go out for 10 bucks on the pokies and complain how expensive ciggies are . YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE FROM PORIRUA IF . . . 1 . You can wake up thinking it's an earthquake but realise it's just Hemi, Junior and Rua sharing your single bed 2 . You can't say "Wellington is full of ferries" cause you've never been further than Porirua Train Station . 3 . You can recognise half of Porirua city's population because they're your cuzzies . 4 . You can't afford a $1000 suit so you steal some shoes instead . 5 . You've never seen the motorway because Porirua has everything you've ever needed . 6 . You walk from Titahi Bay to Porirua Station, hang out for a bit, then go to NorthCity? fah haven't been there since yesterday . 7 . "Just turn left at the first KFC? 8 . Seeing the Brooklyn Wind Turbine is not an option . 9 . It takes you 20 minutes to drive from the mall to your house . 10 . Boarding a Stagecoach bus is betrayal to your uncle who works for Mana Coach services . 1 1 . You never need a bodyguard because everyone you know could 'smash em' anyways . 12 . The centre line is only worth crossing if Maccas or KFC is on the other side 1 3 . You're only sick if you got too drunk last night . 14 . Christmas shopping is not necessary, its easier to steal from the Warehouse! 15 . Wind is not a top cause of things getting ruined/stolen at your house . 1 6 . You can detect 27 different shades of skin colour at the mall . 1 7 . You don't get tourists . 1 8 . Anyone got 5 bucks for a pie au?	Cicero (40)
379350	2005-08-07 22:36:00	A Priest was seated next to a Kiwi on a flight to Australia . After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Kiwi asked for a Bundy rum and Coke, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Kiwi then handed his drink back to the attendant and said "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice." :groan:	smithie 38 (6684)
379351	2005-08-07 23:02:00	While walking through the Northern California woods a man came up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?" "I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. You gotta be kiddin' me." "No, would you like to give it a try?" Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left. Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?" He told the guy the whole story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him behind the ear and said, "This just isn't gonna be your day."	Rob99 (151)
379352	2005-08-07 23:06:00	A man gets up one morning to find his wife already in the kitchen cooking. He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan. "What are you doing?" he asks. "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."	Rob99 (151)
379353	2005-08-07 23:12:00	A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Iraqi desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, "Well Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges". That's why we have the camel." The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about "urges", so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" "No. Not really, sir...They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."	Rob99 (151)
379354	2005-08-07 23:40:00	Mary had a little lamb her father shot it dead now it goes to school with her betwen two bits of bread Simple Simon met a pieman going to the fair Said Simple Simon to the pieman, What have you got there? Said the pieman to Simple Simon, PIES YOU B*****d Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall All the kings horses and all the kings men Said "Stuff him he's only an egg" Jack and Jill Went up the hill To have some hanky panky Jill the Dill forgot her pill So now theres little Frankie...	bob_doe_nz (92)
379355	2005-08-08 04:28:00	The captain of the airliner got on the speaker and told the passengers that they were about 1100 miles over the ocean, and as it might happen, they only had enough fuel for another 300 miles, well away from their destination . Crashing and drowning in the sea was the best they could expect . Hearing this, a beautiful young and sexy woman stands up in the front of the first-class cabin and yells out: "I cannot die unfulfilled . Is there a real man here who can make me a complete woman?" A very stud-ley and handsome man stands up in the third-class area, and unbuttoning his shirt, starts walking toward the girl, all the while removing his shirt to reveal his muscular chest . The whole passenger area gets very quiet when he finally approaches her, handing her the shirt and says: "Here . . . . Iron this for me!"	SurferJoe46 (51)
379356	2005-08-08 05:57:00	Mary had a little lamb her father shot it dead now it goes to school with her betwen two bits of bread Mary had a little sheep It went to bed with her, to sleep The sheep turned out to be a ram And Mary had a little lamb	Peterj116 (6762)
379357	2005-08-08 06:14:00	A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties . One day a young man comes into the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter . Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread - on the very top shelf - he politely says to the young woman, "I'd like some raisin bread, please . " She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young man with an excellent view, just as he surmised she would . When she comes down the ladder, he says he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner . As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on . Thinking quickly, he orders a loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view . With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer . Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to watch the young woman climb up and down . After many trips, she is tired, irritated and thinking she is really going to have to try the raisin bread herself . once again she is up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer . She stops and fumes, glaring at the men below . She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at her who hasn't placed an order yet . Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?" "No," croaked the old man . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . but it's a quiverin' . . . "	FoxyMX (5)
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