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Thread ID: 62495	2005-10-09 21:26:00	Monday Laughs: Women Jokes.......Live dangerously, hell hath no fury. etc....	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
394733	2005-10-09 21:26:00	The Differences Between Men And Women NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose . If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy . EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $65 . 50 . None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back . When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators . MONEY A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he wants . A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn't want . BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, comb, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn . The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337 . A man would not be able to identify most of these items . ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument . Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument . CATS Women love cats . Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats . FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband . A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife . SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend . A successful woman is one who can find such a man . MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't . A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does . DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the rubbish, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail . A man will dress up for weddings and funerals . NATURAL LOOK Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed . Women somehow deteriorate during the night . OFFSPRING Ah, children . A woman knows all about her children . She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, and hopes and dreams . A man is vaguely aware of some short, noisy people living in the house . Cheers Billy 8-{) :xmouth:	Billy T (70)
394734	2005-10-09 21:33:00	:D	Metla (12)
394735	2005-10-09 23:54:00	:D :D :D	JJJJJ (528)
394736	2005-10-09 23:56:00	[b] EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $65 . 50 . None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back . When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators . BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, comb, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn . The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337 . A man would not be able to identify most of these items . ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument . Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument . FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband . A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife . DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the rubbish, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail . A man will dress up for weddings and funerals . NATURAL LOOK Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed . Women somehow deteriorate during the night . OFFSPRING Ah, children . A woman knows all about her children . She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, and hopes and dreams . A man is vaguely aware of some short, noisy people living in the house . Cheers Billy 8-{) :xmouth: I know its supposed to be a joke but: We split the bill 50-50 . I have toothbrush, toothapste, soap, flannel and my own towel True . No, this morning I got up, dresses in 2 minutes, feed the animals including the 2-legged one, drank my tea and spent ages waiting for the male to "get ready" . In fact could have done a build while I was waiting . 10 years later we were ready to go . He looks detriorated in the morning, can't comment on myself . Nope, the short, noisy person got taller and left and daddy is the one that fusses over him . .	pctek (84)
394737	2005-10-10 03:07:00	Things you can say to a truck but not your wife Geez you can fit 4 in there!! Whoa those a big headlights!!	techiekid (7219)
394738	2005-10-10 03:08:00	A farmer ordered a high tech milking machine.Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line. "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons." :lol:	smithie 38 (6684)
394739	2005-10-11 19:37:00	Subject: Life in 2005 YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005 when . . . 1 . You accidentally enter your password on the microwave . 2 . You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years . 3 . You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3 . 4 . You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you . 5 . Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses . 6 . You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries . 7 . Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen . 8 . Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it . 10 . You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee! 11 . You start tilting your head sideways to smile . : ) 12 . You're reading this and nodding and laughing . 13 . Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message . 14 . You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list . 15 . You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list . .	Cicero (40)
394740	2005-10-11 20:26:00	FOR HURRICANE SURVIVORS FROM FLORIDA TO TEXAS! YOU KNOW YOU LIVE ON THE GULF COAST WHEN . . . . * You have FEMA's number on your speed dialer . * You have more than 300 C and D batteries in your kitchen drawer . * Your pantry contains more than 20 cans of Spaghetti Os . * You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood covering your windows . * When describing your house to a prospective buyer, you say it has three bedrooms, two baths and one safe hallway . * Your SSN isn't a secret, it's written in Sharpie on your arms . * You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot . * You are delighted to pay $3 for a gallon of regular unleaded . * The road leading to your house has been declared a No-Wake Zone . * You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom of the pool . * You own more than three large coolers . * You can wish that other people get hit by a hurricane and not feel the least bit guilty about it . * You rationalize helping a friend board up by thinking "It'll only take a gallon of gas to get there and back . " * You have 2-liter coke bottles and milk jugs filled with water in your freezer . * Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you can assemble a portable generator by candlelight . * You catch a 13-pound redfish in your driveway . * You can recite from memory whole portions of your homeowner's insurance policy . * At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest chainsaw . * You have had tuna fish more than 5 days in a row . * There is a roll of tar paper in your garage . * You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who work for the Weather Channel . * Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof . * Ice is a valid topic of conversation . * Your "drive-thru" meal consists of MRE's and bottled water . * Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea . * You spend more time on your roof than in your living room . * You've been laughed at over the phone by a roofer, fence builder or a tree worker . * A battery powered TV is considered a home entertainment center . * You don't worry about relatives wanting to visit during the summer . * Your child's first words are "hunker down" and you didn't go to UGA! * Having a tree in your living room does not necessarily mean its Christmas . * Toilet Paper is elevated to "coin of the realm" at the shelters . * You know the difference between the "good side" of a storm and the "bad side . " * Your kids start school in August and finish in July . * You go to work early and stay late just to enjoy the air conditioning . Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
394741	2005-10-11 23:01:00	You are delighted to pay $3 for a gallon of regular unleaded. Well I would be, really!	george12 (7)
394742	2005-10-11 23:31:00	Eight Words with two Meanings 1 . THINGY (thing-ee) n . Female . . . . . . Any part under a car's hood . Male . . . . . The strap fastener on a woman's bra . 2 . VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj . Female . . . . Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another . Male . . . . Playing football without a cup . 3 . COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n . Female . . . The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner . Male . . . Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys . 4 . COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n . Female . . . . A desire to get married and raise a family . Male . . . . . . Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one . 5 . ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n . Female . . . . A good movie, concert, play or book . Male . . . . . . Anything that can be done while drinking beer . 6 . FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n . Female . . . . An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion . Male . . . . . . A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding . 7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n . Female . . . . . . The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve . Male . . Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it . 8 . REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n . Female . . . . A device for changing from one TV channel to another . Male . . . A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes . AND . . . He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it . She said . . . You wear pants don't you? He said . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart! He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said . . . Turn sideways and look in the mirror! He said . . . Why don't women blink during foreplay? She said . . . They don't have time He said . . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? She said . . . We don't know; it has never happened . He said . . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking? She said . . . They already have boyfriends . She said . . . What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night? He said . . . A widow . He said . . . Why are married women heavier than single women? She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed . Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge .	FoxyMX (5)
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