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Thread ID: 63128	2005-10-30 19:18:00	Monday laughs: Hot line to God	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
400441	2005-10-30 19:18:00	An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. He already know a fair amount about American churches, and for his first chapter he decided to write about Australian churches. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Perth, thinking that he would work his way across the country from west to east. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read $10,000.00 per call. The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for? The priest replied that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10,000.00 one could talk to God.The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Adelaide, there, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Perth and asked a nearby nun what its purpose was? She told him that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10,000.00 he could talk to God. "O.K. thanks" said the American He then traveled to Melbourne, Canberra, Sydney then on to Newcastle and and north to Brisbane. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same $10,000.00 per call sign under it. Upon leaving Brisbane, he decided to fly to New Zealand to see if New Zealand churches had the same golden telephones. He arrived at Auckland airport, asked a taxi driver to take him to the nearest church, and sure enough, there again in the local church was the same golden telephone, only this time the sign under it read 25 cents per call. The American was surprised and so intrigued that he asked the church's pastor about the sign. "Father, I've just traveled all over Australia and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches, I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in every city price was $10,000.00 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered: "You're in New Zealand now son, it's a local call." Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
400442	2005-10-30 20:04:00	Chinese lessons 1) That's not right..............................Sum Ting Wong 2) Are you harboring a fugitive..................Hu Yu Hai Ding 3) See me ASAP...................................Kum Hia 4) Stupid Man....................................Dum Gai 5) Small Horse...................................Tai Ni Po Ni 6) Did you go to the beach.......................Wai Yu So Tan 7) I bumped the coffee table.....................Ai Bang Mai Ni 8) I think you need a face lift..................Chin Tu Fat 9) It's Very dark in here........................Wao So Dim 10) I Thought you were on a diet..................Wai Yu Mun Ching 11) This is a tow away zone.......................No Pah King 12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week........Wai Yu Kum Nao 13) Staying out of sight..........................Lei Ying Lo 14) He's cleaning his automobile .................Wa Shing Ka 15) Your body odor is offensive...................Yu Stin Ki Pu 16) Great.........................................Fa Kin Su Pah 17) England will win the World Cup&&..............No Fu Kin Wai 18) Whos been eating all the pies?................Yo Fat Wan Ka	johnboy (217)
400443	2005-10-30 20:42:00	Bear on a Roof A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough,there's an ad for Bear Removers. He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remove arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks. I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van". He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog	smithie 38 (6684)
400444	2005-11-01 07:23:00	A Beer before it starts A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second." "That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?" The husband sighed. "Oh ****, it's started"	plod (107)
400445	2005-11-01 07:26:00	Nick the Dragon Slayer Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death . One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician; the King's chief doctor . Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it . Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme . The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed . Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense . Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch . The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer . Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts . The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and was touted as a hero . Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins . With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made . The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's shorts . The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer . . .	plod (107)
400446	2005-11-01 07:39:00	Rindercella the dyslexic princess Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard - frubbing scloors, emptying oss pits and shivelling shot. At the end of the day she was nucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge and the other was called Betty Swollocks. They were really forrible uckers and had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball but the cotton runts wouldn’t let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite whice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnight otherwise there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve.”For suck’s fake!” yelled Rindercella as she ran out, tripping barse over ollocks and dropping her slass glipper. Next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella’s door and the sugly ister let him in. Suddenly Betty Swollocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. “Who’s fust jarted?” asked the prandsome hince. “Blame that fugly ucker over there,” said Mary Hinge. When the brinking stown cloud had lifted the prandsome hince tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success. Their feet stucking fank. Betty Swollocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a nack in the kickers. This was not difficult has he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard-on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. They were married. The hince lived his life in lucking fuxury and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny. And they lived happily ever after...	EX-WESTY (221)
400447	2005-11-01 10:34:00	ROFLMFAO at those ones!!	roddy_boy (4115)
400448	2005-11-01 12:29:00	OMG I just can't help but burst out laughing till my belly aches while reading those Chinese translations :D :D Chinese lessons 1) That's not right..............................Sum Ting Wong 2) Are you harboring a fugitive..................Hu Yu Hai Ding 3) See me ASAP...................................Kum Hia 4) Stupid Man....................................Dum Gai 5) Small Horse...................................Tai Ni Po Ni 6) Did you go to the beach.......................Wai Yu So Tan 7) I bumped the coffee table.....................Ai Bang Mai Ni 8) I think you need a face lift..................Chin Tu Fat 9) It's Very dark in here........................Wao So Dim 10) I Thought you were on a diet..................Wai Yu Mun Ching 11) This is a tow away zone.......................No Pah King 12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week........Wai Yu Kum Nao 13) Staying out of sight..........................Lei Ying Lo 14) He's cleaning his automobile .................Wa Shing Ka 15) Your body odor is offensive...................Yu Stin Ki Pu 16) Great.........................................Fa Kin Su Pah 17) England will win the World Cup&&..............No Fu Kin Wai 18) Whos been eating all the pies?................Yo Fat Wan Ka	Mr Wetzyl (362)
400449	2005-11-03 04:10:00	Subject: FW: National levels of alert The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide" . The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate" . The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's principal white flag manufacturing facility, effectively paralyzing their military . It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert . The Italians have increased their alert level from "Shouting Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing" . Two more levels remain, "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides" . The Germans also increased their alert state, from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs" . They have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose" . Seeing this reaction in continental Europe, the Americans have gone from "Isolationist" to "Find Somewhere Else in the Middle East Ripe for Regime Change" . Their remaining, higher alert states are "Take on the World" and "Ask the British and Australians for Help" . Finally, here in GB, we've gone from "Pretend Nothing's Happening" to "Make Another Cup of Tea" . Our higher levels are "Remain Resolutely Cheerful" and "Win" . In parliament today, the British attitude level was raised from "Miffed" to "Peeved" . Soon though, it may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross" . Londoners have not been at "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940,when tea supplies all but ran out . Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance" . The last time the "A Bloody Nuisance" warning level was issued was during the Great Fire, in 1666 . I think it's the absolute limit myself . If these terrorist chaps have a grievance, why can't they just write an angry letter to the BBC!!	Cicero (40)
400450	2005-11-04 04:37:00	Each day a man walks up to a woman in his office, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to th Human Resources supervisor. Without identifying the guy, she tells the supervisor what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him. The supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice? The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."	andrew93 (249)
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