Forum Home
PC World Chat
Thread ID: 142760	2016-09-05 01:20:00	Monday Laughs:.....Mike & Joe, Dieting Guide, Alligator Shoes, & The Miser......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1425410	2016-09-05 01:20:00	. . Two 90-year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years, please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there." Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you." Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike." "Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Mike--it's me, Joe." "You're not Joe. Joe just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice." "Joe! Where are you?" "In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first," says Mike. "The good news," Joe says," is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Even better than that, we're all young again. Best of all, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows so we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired or injured." That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news? "You've just been named in the team for next Saturday." ********************************* Dieting Guide: Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting, now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). The Miracle Cat Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food and be ready to extend it for several weeks until you reach your target weight. Good Luck! DAY ONE Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavour as long as it cost more than $1.75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for a while before stalking off into the other room. Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house. Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die. Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refridgerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning. DAY TWO Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it. Lunch: Break into the bag of fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf. Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed. Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room. DAY THREE Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find. Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down-filled comforter. Before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with, make sure the bird is seriously injured, but not dead. Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor. FINAL DAY Breakfast: Eat six bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw up the bugs and all of the water onto your spouse or partner's pillow. Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the rubbish bin can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon. Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavour that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and go hard. Second Week Mix 'n match items from week one as your mood takes you. Ignore previously favourite foods completely. Substitute mouse for birds and disembowel before leaving on pillow, alive. If feeling peckish later in the evening, introduce half a rat into diet as a pre-bed snack, leave other half under bed. Store chicken and giblets from last week at bottom of underwear drawer as emergency rations. Repeat. ********************************* Alligator shoes: A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!" The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?" The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed, "Oh for God's sake! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!" ********************************* There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to spending it. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after-life with me." And so, he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died, and he was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony and just before the Undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment please, I have something I must do." She had a box with her and she went over the casket and placed it inside. Then, as the Undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away, her friend said, "Girl, tell me you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband?" The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put all his money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you actually did what he asked!!!?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a back-dated cheque. If he can cash it before the cheque goes stale, he can spend it." Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1425411	2016-09-05 02:58:00	Heard this told by Jo Brand on an old episode of Qi. ...she said she always takes a fish to bed with her at night. Then, when her husband gets a bit frisky she can say... "Not tonight please Dear, I've got a haddock" Ken :banana	kenj (9738)
1