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Thread ID: 142694	2016-08-22 01:03:00	Monday Laughs:..Warn Popes, Lectures, AB Bugs, Welfare for dogs, & a Rectum Stretch..	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1424752	2016-08-22 01:03:00	. . 1981 & 2005 - Two Interesting Years:.................. Interesting Year 1981: 1. Prince Charles got married. 2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe. 3. Australia lost the Ashes. 4. The Pope died. Interesting Year 2005: 1. Prince Charles got married. 2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe. 3. Australia lost the Ashes. 4. The Pope died. Lesson to be learned? The next time Charles plans to get married.......Someone should warn the Pope. ********************************* An elderly man was stopped by the Police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as the evils of smoking and staying out late." The Officer then asked, "Really? So who's giving that kinda lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife." ********************************* Little Eddie Cooper was at school this morning and the teacher asked each child to stand up and tell the class what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Dairy Farmer, Captain of Industry etc. But Eddie was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father. Eddie slowly stood up, shuffled his feet a bit, looked down at the floor and quickly muttered: 'My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if they offer him lots of money he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him', then he quickly sat down. The teacher speedily set the other children some work to do, then took little Edward aside to ask him if that was really true. 'No Miss', said Edward, 'Actually he plants Bugs in All Black Hotels and Changing Rooms for the Australian Wallabies Coach, but I was just too embarrassed to say. ********************************* This morning I went to sign my dogs up with Social Welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefits." So I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in colour, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have not a frigging clue who their Daddies are, yet they expect me to provide them with housing and medical care, and to feed them as well! So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My dogs get their first payments next month. Damn, this is a great country under John Key's regime! ********************************* While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun lying in wait on the other side. The cop flagged her down, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk we all know and love to hate, he asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work." Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" I'm a rectum-stretcher," she responded. The cop sneered, "A what? A rectum-stretcher? And exactly what does a rectum-stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide." "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ******** ? " he asked. "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..." Cheers Billy 8-{) 1. pcworld.co.nz/images/smilies/misc_devil.gif" target="_blank">cdn.pressf 1. pcworld.co.nz	Billy T (70)
1424753	2016-08-22 09:08:00	Two old pensioners decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, ‘go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk. I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. They won’t know the difference.’ The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says, ‘you know, I think my girl was dead!’ ‘Dead?’ says his friend, ‘why do you say that?’ ‘Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.’ His friend says, ‘could be worse I think mine was a witch.’ ‘A witch?? ... Why the hell would you say that?’ ‘well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little love bite, then she farted and flew out the window ... Took my teeth with her!	tutaenui (1724)
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