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Thread ID: 142669	2016-08-15 05:16:00	Monday Laughs:...Language, Screams, a Royal Flush, and a Plane Crash....	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1424555	2016-08-15 05:16:00	. . The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals. We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese. However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of larks and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls. Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons? Believe it or not ....... A Congress! I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Trump! (Actually it is a Troop or a Flange of Baboons, and 'Congress' is not applied to anything but US Politicians (an alternative lifeform similar to, but not the same as, baboons or other biped animals). ********************************* A kiwi and two visiting Rugby fans were drinking in a bar and the conversation worked its way around to their sexual prowess, as it does........ An Italian fellow said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love. I made her scream, non-stop for five minutes." The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil, and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight." The Kiwi fellow said: "That's nothing!!! Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then we made love. I made her scream for two long hours." The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two hours? Phenomenal! What did you do to make her scream for two hours?" The Kiwi said: "I wiped my hands on her Grandmother's antique silk bedspread and pillow cases." ********************************* Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please Him to be able to see them every day, for Eternity.' The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen says nothing, but takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse and drinks it down. Then, Her Majesty wees into a toilet and pulls the lever. The Angel says, 'Okay, your Majesty, you may go in.' Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show you two of God's own most perfect creations and you turn me down. Queenie here pees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?' 'Sorry, Dolly.' says the Angel. 'But even in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a Pair, no matter how big they are! ********************************* A large passenger jet crashed on a farm in the middle of the Canterbury plains Panic-stricken, the local Police Inspector mobilised his officers and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smouldering in a treeline that bordered the farm. The Inspector and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They then spotted the farmer not too far away and ploughing a field as if nothing had happened so they hurried over to his tractor. "Jim" the Inspector yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine. "Do you realize that was the Prime Ministers RNZAF flight, the aeroplane of the Prime Minister of New Zealand"? "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They's all got killed straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning." "Key is dead?" the Iinspector asked. "Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor, "he kept saying he wasn't... But you know what a dissembling bugger he is! Cheers Billy 8-{) :D	Billy T (70)
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