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| Thread ID: 63545 | 2005-11-13 18:24:00 | Monday laughs: Money, still vaguely religious....... | Billy T (70) | PC World Chat |
| Post ID | Timestamp | Content | User | ||
| 404256 | 2005-11-15 19:05:00 | Dishonest Dubya Action Figure, the fearless leader of the free world... See him speak, see him change outfits, see yourself cringe laugh and cry! Click here: www.peacecandy.com |
Strommer (42) | ||
| 404257 | 2005-11-16 02:15:00 | Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Arch-Angel found him on the seventh day, resting. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds "Look Michael, look what I've made." said God. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance". Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small land mass and said "What's that one?" Ah ," said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and hills. The people from New Zealand are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving,and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? you said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the ******s I'm putting next to them. I call them Australians!!!" |
KiwiTT_NZ (233) | ||
| 404258 | 2005-11-16 02:25:00 | The Old Tailor The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.” Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need a new suit.” He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.” The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see, size 44 long.” Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit and it fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?” Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.” The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.” Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years. Joe tried on the shirt and it fitted perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?” Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.” The salesman said, “Let’s see... size 36.” Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I’ve got you. I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.” The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.” New suit - $400 New shirt - $36 New underwear - $6 Second Opinion - PRICELESS! |
Scouse (83) | ||
| 404259 | 2005-11-16 08:15:00 | The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?" Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me...." God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?" Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, " Ah, yes." "Well ," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds 3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust 5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!! "Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours |
Greven (91) | ||
| 404260 | 2005-11-16 09:53:00 | New suit - $400 New shirt - $36 New underwear - $6 Second Opinion - PRICELESS! Someone re-posts that joke every week. It's not funny the 10th time round. :stare: |
MikeS (756) | ||
| 404261 | 2005-11-17 01:46:00 | Are there any non American "jokes" on the Internet? (Apart from the ACT and National party web sites.) | Graham L (2) | ||
| 404262 | 2005-11-17 06:03:00 | A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." This they tried and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors were swimming to the safety of the shore. Enraged, the male whale told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen." |
EX-WESTY (221) | ||
| 404263 | 2005-11-18 00:39:00 | A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat." The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday. |
KiwiTT_NZ (233) | ||
| 404264 | 2005-11-18 01:25:00 | Who said us Aussies weren't romantic!! AN AUSTRALIAN LOVE POEM Of course I love ya darling You're a bloody top notch bird And when I say you're gorgeous I mean every single word So ya bum is on the big side I don't mind a bit of flab It means that when I'm ready There's somethin' there to grab So your belly ain't flat no more I tell ya, I don't care So long as when I cuddle ya I can get my arms round there No sheila who is your age Has nice round perky breasts They just gave in to gravity But I know ya did ya best I'm tellin ya the truth now I never tell ya lies I think its very sexy That you've got dimples on ya thighs I swear on me nanna's grave now The moment that we met I thought u was as good as I Was ever gonna get No matter wot u look like I'll always love ya dear Now shut up while the footy's on And fetch another beer! |
Cicero (40) | ||
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