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Thread ID: 63545	2005-11-13 18:24:00	Monday laughs: Money, still vaguely religious.......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
404246	2005-11-13 18:24:00	The Twenty and the One A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired . As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation . The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about his travels all over the country . "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed . "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean . " "Wow!" said the one-dollar bill . "You've really had an exciting life!" "So tell me," asks the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?" The one-dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church . . . . . . . . . " The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?" Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
404247	2005-11-13 20:40:00	Three cowboys were waiting for their friend to show up at the corral with his new car . "I know that smart aleck," said the first . "He's gonna start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back . " "Naw," the second cowboy replied . "He'll always be just a good ol' boy . When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello . " "I know Tex better than either of you," said the third . "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both . " Just then, the door swung open . "Audi, partners!"	smithie 38 (6684)
404248	2005-11-13 21:00:00	The Audi joke's a bit weak and I don't get the one about the notes at all.	mark c (247)
404249	2005-11-13 21:42:00	A blonde was shopping and came across a silver Thermos . She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was . “That’s a Thermos,” the clerk said . “It keeps some things hot and some things cold . ” “Wow,” said the blonde . “That’s amazing . I’m going to buy it!” So she bought the Thermos and took it to work the next day . Her boss saw it on her desk . “What do you have there?” he asked . “Why, that’s a Thermos . It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,” she replied . Her boss inquired, “What do you have in it?” The blond replied, “Two popsicles and some coffee . ” Leaving Minnesota for Colorado, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road . I go in the washroom . The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall . I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall . . . "Hi there, how is it going?" Okay, I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road . I didn't know what to say so finally I say: "Not bad . . . " Then the voice says: "So, what are you doing?" I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say: "Well, I'm going back to Colorado . . . " Then I hear the person say all flustered: "Look I'll call you back, every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me . "	bob_doe_nz (92)
404250	2005-11-13 22:50:00	While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (20 K's over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun lying in wait on the other side . The cop flagged her down, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk we all know and love, and asked, "So what's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work . " "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded . The cop took a step back and said, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what exactly does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in . I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it further and further, until it's about 1 . 8 or 1 . 9 metres wide . " "And just what the hell do you do with a 1 . 9 metre *******?" he asked . "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge . . . " Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
404251	2005-11-14 07:49:00	"And just what the hell do you do with a 1 . 9 metre *******?" he asked . "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge . . . " Cheers Billy 8-{):D Excellant, thankyou for that!	personthingy (1670)
404252	2005-11-14 20:32:00	A family is at the dinner table . The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts . In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm . In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit . After fifty, they are like onions . " "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry . " This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases . In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard . In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable . After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree . " "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only . "	KiwiTT_NZ (233)
404253	2005-11-14 20:34:00	A blonde girl calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started". Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger". Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger". He takes her hand and says, Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then...." he sighed,"...let's put all these Frosties back in the box"!	KiwiTT_NZ (233)
404254	2005-11-14 20:35:00	A man walked into the lingerie department of a Myer's Melbourne store. He spoke to a saleslady and said, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B." With a quizzical look, the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?" He responded, "A Jewish bra; she said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra and you would know what she wanted." "Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get requests for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra." Confused and slightly flustered, the man asked, "So, what are the differences?" The saleslady responded, "It is all quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright." The man mused on that information for a minute and said, "Hmmm, I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?" "Ah, the Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of molehills."	KiwiTT_NZ (233)
404255	2005-11-15 09:29:00	FROM AN AUCKLAND WINZ OFFICE A patch wearing Mongrel Mob member walks into a local Auckland WINZ office, stomps straight up to the counter and says, "Hey bro, I hate living on the dole eh . I wanna find a job . " The fella behind the counter replied, . . . " Your timing is amazing . We have just got a job from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his sex mad daughter . You will have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, but the suits, shirts, and ties are provided . Because there are long hours in this job, meals will be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays . The salary package is $200,000 a year . " The mobster picks his jaw up off the floor and says . . . "You're bull****ting me bro!" The man behind the counter looks at him and replies, . . . . " Well . . . you started it!" -----	Cicero (40)
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