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Thread ID: 63712 2005-11-20 19:45:00 Monday laughs: Mothers' wisdom..... Billy T (70) PC World Chat
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405881 2005-11-20 19:45:00 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. ! My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"


Cheers

Billy 8-{) :) 		Billy T (70)
405882 2005-11-20 20:42:00 Two Irishmen in London whilst looking for work were strolling down Oxford Street. After walking for a few minutes, Paddy turns to Murphy with a look of amazement on his face and says, "Murphy, will you have a look at that shop over there. I thought that London was supposed to be expensive but that shop is as cheap as chips!" Murphy says, "Paddy you're right so you are, will you have a look at that. Suits £10.00, Shirts £4.00, Trousers £5.00. I think that we should buy the lot and take them back to Ireland. We would make a tidy profit selling them in Dublin so we would."
Paddy says in agreement, "Murphy that is as good an idea as you'll ever have, but I'm pretty sure that you have to pay taxes and duty on things like that. The shopkeeper will never let us have them if he thinks we're gonna export them and make our fortune, so he won't." Murphy thinks and says, "Paddy, I've got an idea! You can do the best English accent out of the pair of us. You go in there and do the talking and I'll just stand behind you and say nothing. He'll never guess we're Irish. No he won't." "OK Murphy", agrees Paddy, "I'll do the talking, you just stand there and look English."
So the two visitors to the illustrious capital city go into the shop, where Paddy is greeted politely by the owner. Paddy then proceeds to do his best Cockney impression; "Awwwight Guvnor, I'll 'ave 20 of yer 'Whistle 'un Flutes', 20 'Dickie Dirts' and 20 pairs of strides. And if yer don't mind I'll be paying with the 380 'Pictures of the Queen' in my 'Sky Rocket'." Upon hearing this request from Paddy, the owner smiles, takes a look at Murphy as well, then says to Paddy "You're Irish, aren't you?" Quite bemused, Paddy replies, "Oh b'Jesus, if that ain't me best English accent? How in God's name did you know that we were Irish?"
The Owner replies "This is a Dry Cleaners". 		smithie 38 (6684)
405883 2005-11-20 23:49:00 A new father goes into the delivery room to see his newborn baby boy . The doctor pulls him aside and says " I have the most amazing news . Your boy can fly " . The doctor sees the doubt in the fathers eyes so he offers a demonstration . He picks up the little boy, holds him high in the air and then lets go . The baby falls to the floor with a loud thump .

" You son of a b**ch " says the new father, ready to kill the doctor . " Wait, something must be wrong . He flew this morning . Let me try again " . He flings the boy across the room and he slams against the wall and slides down to the floor .

" Oh my god, I am going to kill you " says the father as he is running towards the baffeled doctor . " No no wait, I know what I did wrong . I promise it will work this time " . He opens the window and tosses the kid out . The kid of course falls 7 stories and leaves a mess on the sidewalk below .
By this time the father is choking the doctor . With his last breath the doctor says " I was just messing with you . Your son was born dead . "



And . . .



My wife who is blonde came running up to me in the driveway the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her .

She said, " Honey, I have some really great news for you! " I said, " Great . Tell me what you're so happy about . " She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant! I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, " That's great! I couldn't be happier! "

Then, she said " Oh, honey, There's more . " I asked, " What do you mean 'more'? " She said, " Well, we are not having just one baby . We are going to Have TWINS! " Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew . She said, " Well, that was the easy part . I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive! "


Now where did I put those Gynaecologist jokes? 		bob_doe_nz (92)
405884 2005-11-24 05:49:00 A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom and made love.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So...you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, the young man reached for her and the lovemaking resumed.
This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The love making ends, and again, the young man smiles, And again he asks, "You finish?"
And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No! I Norwegian." 		EX-WESTY (221)
405885 2005-11-24 06:22:00 John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read, "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom." 		Myth (110)
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