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Thread ID: 65759	2006-01-29 22:49:00	Monday laughs: Religion & horse racing.............	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
425308	2006-01-29 22:49:00	The Catholic Horse Bubba was from Alabama and was a hard-nosed Southern Baptist. He loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and losing his shirt when he noticed a priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse -- a very long shot -- won the race. Bubba was most interested to see what the priest did in the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the horses for the fifth race lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Bubba made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Bubba collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Bubba bet on it, and it won! Bubba was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Bubba began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Bubba bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. He was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest. He demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you!!" The priest nodded wisely and said, "that's the problem with you Protestants...you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites. Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
425309	2006-01-30 01:02:00	Bravo!! Excellent joke thanks!	netchicken (4843)
425310	2006-01-30 01:34:00	I must remember not to kiss S/HWMBO on the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves when 'feeling frisky'... it may mean I end buying my own take-aways, long drives to the laundrymat, putting the kids out on rubbish day, dropping the rubbish off at school, buying home-made muffins for the coffee mornings....	Shortcircuit (1666)
425311	2006-01-30 04:24:00	The latest celebrity news is that Elton John and his partner David Furniss have broken up. The have only been married for a few weeks.... Apparently Elton discovered that David was having sex behind his back.	EX-WESTY (221)
425312	2006-01-30 06:46:00	Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise"? "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope," and he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened"? His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba"?	smithie 38 (6684)
425313	2006-01-30 07:10:00	A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?" "Of course my child, What can I do for you?" "Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?" "Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie." "You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'. The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son", he replied. Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?" The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used." Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father" Next!" please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!	FoxyMX (5)
425314	2006-01-30 07:23:00	An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father accused her, "Where have you been all this time, Why did ya not write us, not even a line? Why didn't you call? Can ya not understand at ya put yer old mum thru??" The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..." "WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family!" "OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club... (takes a breath)... an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..." "Now what was it you said you had become?" says dad. The Girl, crying again : "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! ... sniff, sniff" "Oh! Be Jesus! - You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said "a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"	FoxyMX (5)
425315	2006-01-30 09:05:00	SATAN Just minutes before the church services started the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't" said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony forever?" "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope. "More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 45 years."	olwyn (8088)
425316	2006-01-30 20:45:00	Winter Classes for Men at The Learning Center for Adults REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, Jan . 16, 2006 NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM . Class 1 How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation . Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM . Class 2 The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion . Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours . Class 3 Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice . Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours . Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor --- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics . Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks . Class 5 After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video . Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM Class 6 Loss of Identity --- Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other . Help Line Support and Support Groups . Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM Class 7 Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming . Open Forum Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours . Class 8 Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health . Graphics and Audio Tapes . Three Nights: Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours . Class 9 Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials . Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined . Class 10 Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations . 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours . Class 11 Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife . Online Classes and role-playing . Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined Class 12 How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques . Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM . Class 13 How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late . Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered . Three nights: Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours . Class 14 The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used . Live Demonstration . Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined . Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors .	Cicero (40)
425317	2006-01-30 23:13:00	God said, “Adam, I want you to do something for me.” Adam said, “Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?" God said, "Go down into that valley." Adam said, "What's a valley?" God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river." Adam said, "What's a river?" God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......." Adam said, "What is a hill?" So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave" Adam said, "What's a cave?" After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman." Adam said, "What's a woman?" So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce." Adam said, "How do I do that?" God first said (under his breath), “Geez.....” And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well. So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back. God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, “What is it now?” And Adam said * * * * * * * * * * * “What’s a headache?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!	Cicero (40)
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