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Thread ID: 65759	2006-01-29 22:49:00	Monday laughs: Religion & horse racing.............	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
425318	2006-01-30 23:26:00	Winter Classes for Men at The Learning Center for Adults . So far no students have passed	pctek (84)
425319	2006-01-31 01:28:00	A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning . He said "Today you are going to help me preach . I am going to say a single word and whatever single word I say, I want you to sing the hymn that it brings to your mind . The pastor shouted out "CROSS . " Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, THE OLD RUGGED CROSS " The pastor hollered out " GRACE" The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound . " The pastor said " POWER" The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD . " The Pastor said "SEX " The congregation fell into total silence . Everyone was shocked . They all nervously began to look around at each other and were afraid to say anything . Then all of a sudden, from way in the back, a little 87 year old great-grandmother softly began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES . " Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
425320	2006-01-31 06:20:00	A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it. "Not Gutenberg?" Gasped the collector. "Yes, that was it!" "You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million dollars!" "Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther." -break- After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation. The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying: Myfriend, you have not worked here for even one day. The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain. Manager:- How many days are there in a year? Man:- 365 days and some times 366. Manager:- how many hours make up a day? Man:- 24 hours. Manager:- How long do you work in a day? Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day. Manager:- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours? Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3(one third). Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days? Man:- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days). Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends? Man:- No sir. Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends? Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days. Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have? Man:- 18 days. Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that 14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining? Man:- 4 days. Manager:- Do you work on New Year day? Man:- No sir! Manager:- Do you come to work on workers day? Man:- No sir! Manager:- So how many days are left? Man:- 2 days sir! Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday)? Man:- No sir! Manager:- So how many days are left? Man:- 1 day sir! Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day? Man:- No sir! Manager:- So how many days are left? Man:- None sir! Manager:- So, what are you claiming? Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that I was stealing Company money all these years. Moral - NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!! HR = HIGH RISK -break- Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough of his antics. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers." -break- Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance, a prospective Heavenly Soul must answer three questions: 1. What are two days of the week that begin with "T"? 2. How many seconds are in a year? 3. What is God's first name? Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered: 1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow. 2. There are 12 seconds in a year. 3. God has two first names, and they are Andy and Howard. Saint Peter said, "Ok, I'll buy Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected. Technically, your answer is correct. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why do you think God's first name is either Andy or Howard?"Forrest responded, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, and so on." "Ok then, I give," said Saint Peter. "But what about God's first name?" Forrest said, "Well, from the song...Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own...And then from the prayer...Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name..." Saint Peter let him in without another word. Enjoy!	Renmoo (66)
425321	2006-02-01 03:13:00	Now this one came from my dear friend . . . . . . . . . . . . . hahahahaha :illogical Not quite the right topic but still a joke . . . . . :D The Why's of Men 1 . WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (because they are plugged into a genius) 2 . WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? (they don't have enough time) 3 . WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they don't stop to ask directions) 4 . WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock) (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!) 5 . WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties) 6 . WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy) 7 . HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (don't know . . . . . it never happened) (C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!) 8 . WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn) Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart . . . . . . Then you are just an old sour fart . :lol:	beetle (243)
425322	2006-02-01 05:56:00	Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart . . . . . . Then you are just an old sour fart . :lol: I guess that means I need more red meat and less asparagus?	Shortcircuit (1666)
425323	2006-02-01 08:52:00	wot about that green stuff . . . spirilina or some such thing, now thats spose to be good for you . . . . . . :yuck: beetle :thumbs:	beetle (243)
425324	2006-02-01 09:26:00	Spirulina, if I am not mistaken.	Renmoo (66)
425325	2006-02-02 21:07:00	So Beetle, Why do women snore then?????? :p :D	personthingy (1670)
425326	2006-02-02 22:02:00	An oldie but a goodie: SOUND LIKE ANYBODY YOU KNOW?? * Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine and share some good food and companionship . She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays . * We also sleep in separate beds . Hers is in Auckland, mine is in Wellington . * I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back . * I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary . "Somewhere I haven't been for a long time" she said, so I suggested the kitchen . * We always hold hands . If I let go, she shops . * She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker . She said "there are too many gadgets and nowhere to sit down", so I bought her an electric chair . * Remember, marriage is the main cause of divorce, 100% of all divorces started with marriage . * I married Miss Right . I just didn't know that her first name was Always . * I haven't spoken to my wife for 2 years . I don't like to interrupt her . * Our last fight was my fault . She said "What's on the TV?", I said "Dust" . * In the beginning, God created Earth and rested . Then God created Man and rested . Then God created Woman . Since then neither God nor Man has rested . * Why do men die before their wives? . . . . . . Because they want to . * Smile, it's the second nicest thing you can do with your lips . Cheers Billy 8-{) :D	Billy T (70)
425327	2006-02-03 00:15:00	So Beetle, Why do women snore then?????? :p :D Cant say ive heard any snore, but then i dont sleep with other women . . . . :waughh: Ok spill the beans the point being? or the answer being? Im really not sure i want to hear this answer tho . . . . . :waughh: beetle	beetle (243)
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