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Thread ID: 65940	2006-02-05 20:09:00	Monday laughs: Holiday Blonde-fest....	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
427496	2006-02-05 20:09:00	Blonde Logic KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway . Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realising that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!" IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night . It was her turn, she rolled the dice and landed on Science & Nature . Her question was: "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it switched on or off?" NIAGRA FALLS A young blonde woman in Niagara Falls was so depressed that she decided to end her life, by throwing herself into the Niagara River . She went to the Rainbow Bridge, and was about to leap into the frigid water, when a handsome young sailor saw her teetering on the edge of the bridge crying . He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for . I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship . I'll take good care of you, and bring you food every day . " Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy . " The girl nodded, yes, after all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning . That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat . From then on, every night, he brought here three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love in the boat until dawn . Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain . "What are you doing here?" the captain asked . " I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained . "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me . " "He certainly is," the captain said . "This is the Maid Of The Mist . " FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! Three blondes were applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol . The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So ya'll want to be a cop, eh? The blondes all nodded . The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a filefolder . Sitting back down, he opened it up and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect . You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc . " So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds . "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?" The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did . He has only one eye!" The detective grabbed the photo, shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face!" You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office . The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for 2 seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" Yes! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused, too!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office . The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but . . . He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying "All right . Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" The blonde said, "I did . This man wears contact lenses . " The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder . He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?" The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "DUH!!! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses! Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
427497	2006-02-05 20:26:00	A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."	plod (107)
427498	2006-02-05 23:55:00	This could be a joke,not sure . ;) 1) Emergency number The Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112 . If you find yourself out of coverage area of your mobile network and there is an emergency, dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly . . . this number112 can be dialed even while the keypad is locked . Try it out . 2) Locked the keys in the car? Your car has remote keys? This may come in handy someday . Good reason to own a cell phone: If you happen to lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are home, call someone on your cell phone . Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the other person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the phone on their end . Your car will unlock . Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you . Distance is no object . You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other "remote" for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk) . Editor's Note: *It works fine! We tried it out and it unlocked our car over a cell phone!" 3) Hidden Battery power Imagine your cell battery is very low, u r expecting an important call and u don't have a charger . Nokia instrument comes with a reserve battery . To activate, press the keys *3370# Your cell will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery . This reserve will get charged when u charge your cell next time	Cicero (40)
427499	2006-02-06 00:01:00	Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat b*stard. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard. Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower. Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak. Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, and then read the rest in random order. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof. Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one. A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep. Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with whom you disagree. Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair. At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers. Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you starkers. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner. A next door neighbor's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency. And Finally........................ AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket. OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.	user (1404)
427500	2006-02-06 01:27:00	3) Hidden Battery power Imagine your cell battery is very low, u r expecting an important call and u don't have a charger . Nokia instrument comes with a reserve battery . To activate, press the keys *3370# Your cell will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery . This reserve will get charged when u charge your cell next time Has anyone tried this before? :waughh: :groan: :rolleyes: Cheers :)	Renmoo (66)
427501	2006-02-06 01:57:00	This could be a joke,not sure . 1) Emergency number 2) Locked the keys in the car? Your car has remote keys? 3) Hidden Battery power Just as well you posted it in Monday laughs Ciccy, those are the three best jokes I've heard in a long time . Time to check Snopes . com I think . . . . . . . Cheers Billy 8-{) ;)	Billy T (70)
427502	2006-02-06 02:13:00	The emergency number is true, but the connecting to any available network thing isn't any use in NZ because GSM phones can't use a CDMA network & vice versa. I very much doubt that a phone would be able to pick up & reproduce the inaudable radio waves those remote car unlockers use.	Greven (91)
427503	2006-02-06 04:05:00	Sounds like a bit of tall story to me that one about the car key cell phone. The radio signals wouldn't activate the phone mic. Anyway here's (www.niagarafallslive.com) some info for people like me who didn't get the "Maid of the Mist" joke.	mark c (247)
427504	2006-02-06 06:58:00	Locked the keys in the car? Hidden Battery power Most car remotes are in the 433 MHz band, (433,000 kHz) while the cellphone is capable of reproducing local signals only up to about 3 kHz. Now there is a big difference between 3 and 433,000, you decide ... With the Nokia cellphone, *3370# enables Enhanced Full Rate Mode (EFR) on some models which may give a higher speech quality, but it uses significantly more battery power, exactly the reverse of what is wanted and what is suggested. Hoaxes.	godfather (25)
427505	2006-02-06 07:16:00	Most car remotes are in the 433 MHz band, (433,000 kHz) while the cellphone is capable of reproducing local signals only up to about 3 kHz. Now there is a big difference between 3 and 433,000, you decide ... With the Nokia cellphone, *3370# enables Enhanced Full Rate Mode (EFR) on some models which may give a higher speech quality, but it uses significantly more battery power, exactly the reverse of what is wanted and what is suggested. Hoaxes. Well thats my Waitangi day ruined.	Cicero (40)
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