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Thread ID: 66138	2006-02-12 19:38:00	Monday laughs: Bush and Iraq	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
429491	2006-02-12 19:38:00	A Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an insurgent Iraqi soldier badly injured and unconscious . Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in similar but less serious state . The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Marine was asked what had happened . The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along The highway here and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent . Seeing each other we both took cover in the ditches alongside the road . I proceeded to yell to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable lowlife scumbag, and he yelled back that George W Bush is a lazy, good-for-nothing weenie and a useless wimp . " "We were standing there in the middle of the road shaking hands and sharing family photographs when a UN truck hit us . . . " Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
429492	2006-02-13 01:31:00	As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends . He had died while traveling through the area . The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there . As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man did not stop for directions . I finally arrived an hour late . I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight . I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place . I assured the workers I would not hold them long, but this was the proper thing to do . The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch! I poured out my heart and soul . As I preached the workers began to say, "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory . " I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before -- from Genesis all the way to Revelation . I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car . I felt I had done my duty for the homeless man and that the crew would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of my tardiness . As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like this before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years . "	Winston001 (3612)
429493	2006-02-13 22:12:00	Clearly there's a shortage of Army jokes this week, so here are some military words of wisdom "AIM TOWARDS THE ENEMY . " - Instruction printed on US Army Rocket Launcher "WHEN THE PIN IS PULLED, MR . GRENADE IS NO LONGER OUR FRIEND . " - US Marine Corps journal "CLUSTER BOMBING FROM B-52s IS VERY, VERY ACCURATE . THE BOMBS ARE GUARANTEED TO ALWAYS HIT THE GROUND . " - USAF Ammo Troop "IF THE ENEMY IS IN RANGE, SO ARE YOU . " - US Army Infantry Journal "A SLIPPING GEAR COULD LET YOUR M203 GRENADE LAUNCHER FIRE WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT . THAT WOULD MAKE YOU QUITE UNPOPULAR IN WHAT'S LEFT OF YOUR UNIT . " - US Army's Magazine of Preventive Maintenance "IT IS GENERALLY INADVISABLE TO EJECT DIRECTLY OVER THE AREA YOU'VE JUST BOMBED . " - US Air Force manual "TRY TO LOOK UNIMPORTANT; THE ENEMY MAY BE LOW ON AMMO . " - US Army Infantry Journal "TRACERS WORK BOTH WAYS . " - US Army Ordnance manual "FIVE-SECOND FUSES ONLY LAST THREE SECONDS . " - US Army Infantry Journal "BRAVERY IS BEING THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS YOU'RE AFRAID . " - David Hackworth "IF YOUR ATTACK IS GOING TOO WELL, YOU'RE WALKING INTO AN AMBUSH . " - US Army Infantry Journal "NO COMBAT-READY UNIT HAS EVER PASSED INSPECTION . " - Joe Gay "ANY SHIP CAN BE A MINESWEEPER . . ONCE" - Anon "NEVER TELL THE PLATOON SERGEANT YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO . " - Unknown Marine Recruit "DON'T DRAW FIRE; IT IRRITATES THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU . " - US Army Infantry Journal "IF YOU SEE A BOMB TECHNICIAN RUNNING, TRY TO KEEP UP WITH HIM . " - USAF Ammo Troop Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
429494	2006-02-14 02:18:00	"Clearly there's a shortage of Army jokes this week"? What about the brave British Army in Iraq? It sounds as if they've been taking lessons in community relations from the U/S Army.	Graham L (2)
429495	2006-02-14 03:22:00	OK Graham, here's a British Army joke for you . . . . . . . A long time ago, Britain and France were at war . During one battle, the French captured an English Colonel . They took him to their headquarters, where a French General began to interrogate him about their battle plans . The General asked many questions, but could not get any information out of his prisoner and finally, as he was about to give up in frustration, he asked, "So tell me this much at least: Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?" In his bland English way, the Colonel informed the General that the reason English officers wear red coats are so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic . And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown pants . Cheers Billy 8-{) :D Yeah, I know, the French are in it too, but since it is so many years since they had anything you could call an army, I don't think they really count .	Billy T (70)
429496	2006-02-14 09:17:00	How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs! How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? What do you mean change it? It's a perfectly good bulb! We have had it for a thousand years and it has worked just fine. How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb? 1001. One to hold the light bulb, and a thousand to push the house round. How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb? They don't need to, they glow in the dark. How many armies does it take to change a light bulb? At least five. The Germans to start it, the French to give up really easily after only trying for a little while, the Italians to make a start, get nowhere, and then try again from the other side, the Americans to turn up late and finish it off and take all the credit, and the Swiss to pretend nothing out of the ordinary is happening. How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again. How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It's a hardware problem. How many system administrators does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just deny everyone access to the area served by the light bulb in question. How many Microsoft engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They just define darkness as an industry standard. How many Mac owners does it take to screw in a light bulb? None - there's no documentation available, so you have to wait until a third-party supplier comes out with a solution. How many Unix programmers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but if you forget to tell him "2>" he'll mash both the live and dead bulbs into the same socket at once. How many mechanics does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks he'll have to replace the whole socket. How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb? They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the new bulb. How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? None. The bulb will change itself when it is ready. How many U.S fighter pilots does it take to change a light bulb?? You mean it was one of OURS !?!?! How many first-time computer users does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but it takes him three hours and two phone calls to the electrician before he realizes he forgot to turn the switch on. How many experienced computer users does it take to change a light bulb? Dammit, why do they have to keep changing it ? Every week. You'd've thought they'd have learnt by now, if it's not broken they shouldn't bugger about with it.	pctek (84)
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