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Thread ID: 66616	2006-03-01 15:18:00	Gotta share this.....	SurferJoe46 (51)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
434960	2006-03-01 15:18:00	The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello". "Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking." "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible." "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimers and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's." "That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again ?" questioned Mrs. Ward. "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time." "Well, what am I supposed to do now ?" "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."	SurferJoe46 (51)
434961	2006-03-02 06:05:00	Got another one: A man was driving through Wyoming one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting by the road in total silence. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent. As he peered by the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised. Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump." The man jumped up quickly striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded. There were two horses standing in the field alongside and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump, tap it with your flashlight, and try it again." Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared into life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away. When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Large whiskey, please!" he said. A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!" "It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher. The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?" The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes it was! Am I crazy?" "No, you Ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher "because the black horse don't know anything about cars!"	SurferJoe46 (51)
434962	2006-03-02 06:38:00	A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man Began "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let your cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But officer, I just wanted to say..." "I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He's been trying to get that ugly daughter married for years. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."	SurferJoe46 (51)
434963	2006-03-02 07:18:00	Try this one: I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much . And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing . I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart . FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed . Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me . " I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear . . . "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man . " She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep . The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her . We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store . I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits . She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all . She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit . We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings . Let me tell you . . . she was so excited . She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck . I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis . I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey . " She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement . Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier . " I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it . " Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?" I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while . You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman . " And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either .	Arnie (6624)
434964	2006-03-02 07:43:00	This blond <Sorry blondes> was pulled over by the traffic police in west Texas for speeding. When asked to explain her self she said that she was just following the instructions on her licence. "What do you mean" said the cop? "Look see here the bottom line of the licence says tear along the dotted line."	tutaenui (1724)
434965	2006-03-02 07:55:00	larf larf keep it up :D	mark c (247)
434966	2006-03-02 15:34:00	Subject: Hospital Chart Bloopers :cool: 1 . The patient refused autopsy . 2 . The patient has no previous history of suicides . 3 . Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital . 4 . She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night . 5 . Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year . 6 . On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared . 7 . The patient is tearful and crying constantly . She also appears to be depressed . 8 . The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993 . 9 . Discharge status: Alive but without permission . 10 . Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful . 11 . Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch . 12 . She is numb from her toes down . 13 . While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home . 14 . The skin was moist and dry . 15 . Occasional, constant infrequent headaches . 16 . Patient was alert and unresponsive . 17 . Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid . 18 . She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce . 19 . I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy . 20 . Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation . 21 . Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized . 22 . The lab test indicated abnormal lover function . 23 . Skin: somewhat pale but present . 24 . The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor . 25 . Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities .	SurferJoe46 (51)
434967	2006-03-05 06:06:00	Sorry to bump myself again..but I got another one to tell......... A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." "That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" "I don't remember much after that!"	SurferJoe46 (51)
434968	2006-03-05 09:34:00	hahahahahahahahahah	mark c (247)
434969	2006-03-05 18:41:00	Just a word of caution Joe - rooting has an entirely different meaning in Kiwiland	Dally (6292)
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