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| Thread ID: 66687 | 2006-03-04 05:22:00 | Pocket Taser Stun Gun Gift | SurferJoe46 (51) | PC World Chat |
| Post ID | Timestamp | Content | User | ||
| 435330 | 2006-03-04 05:22:00 | Pocket Taser Stun Gun, . . . . . a great gift for the wife! That was the advertisement in Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop window next to the condo we rented last month in Florida . I saw something that sparked my interest . So I went in to check it out . The occasion was our 30th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wifey . What I came across was . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized taser . The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing a woman adequate time to retreat to safety… . WAY TOO COOL! Long story short . . . . . . . . . . . I bought the device and brought it home . I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button . . . . Nothing! I was disappointed . I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time . . . . . I’d get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs . Awesome!!! (Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave . ) Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, . right?!!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Tabby looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target . I must admit I thought about zapping Tabby (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it . She is such a sweet cat . But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised . Am I wrong? So, there I sat . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . in a pair of shorts and a tee shirt with my sunglasses on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another . The directions said that . . . . . a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water . Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries . All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries, thinking to myself, “no possible way!” What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best… . . I’m sitting there alone . . . . . . Tabby looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, “don’t do it master,” reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad . . . . . . I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it . I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$@$%!@ *!!! I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, alternately kicking me in the stomach and hitting me with a club over and over and over again . I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs . The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, “do it again, do it again!” Note: If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself . You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor . A three second burst would be considered conservative . SON-OF-A- . . that hurt like he**!!! A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape . My bent sunglasses were on the mantel of the fireplace on the other side of the room I was now lying on the floor of . . . . . . how did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching . My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs . I’m still looking for my testicles . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return . Still in shock note: I got this off another site and decided to c/p it with very little artistic license by myself . . . just cleaned up the language a little . . . |
SurferJoe46 (51) | ||
| 435331 | 2006-03-04 05:42:00 | go on do it again then please tell us about it that has to be the funniest thing in ages :thumbs: |
kumaraguy (4464) | ||
| 435332 | 2006-03-04 06:29:00 | Yeah tell us more. Something along the lines of how the US cops are slap-happy and frequently tazer defenceless women, and beat the s*** out of innocent citizens with disgusting regularity. | Greg (193) | ||
| 435333 | 2006-03-04 06:45:00 | Didn't I read somewhere that our local cops are to be issued with these things shortly - and probably not the small purse-sized units either. Great stuff. | Scouse (83) | ||
| 435334 | 2006-03-04 07:00:00 | That was a larf SJ, pleased you gave the orogin. I was about to say, you are the next Truman Capote. |
mark c (247) | ||
| 435335 | 2006-03-04 07:47:00 | note: I got this off another site and decided to c/p it with very little artistic license by myself...just cleaned up the language a little...Are you saying you didn't actually do this to yourself, or that you did do it to yourself, and you copied this because it summed it up perfectly? | mejobloggs (264) | ||
| 435336 | 2006-03-04 10:38:00 | Yeah tell us more. Something along the lines of how the US cops are slap-happy and frequently tazer defenceless women, and beat the s*** out of innocent citizens with disgusting regularity. at least there people dont get community service for first degree murder like over here |
James Bond (9905) | ||
| 435337 | 2006-03-04 16:46:00 | at least there people dont get community service for first degree murder like over here I agree there, Mr. Bond (stirred, not shaken), and I didn't post this diatribe to open a public urination contest...it was just a funny slice-o'-life thing that I thought might lighten the day a little.... Let's enjoy each other's insights and please stop harping upon the social/political injustices of our seperate (yet somehow united) governmental agencies. ;) |
SurferJoe46 (51) | ||
| 435338 | 2006-03-04 18:48:00 | Yeah tell us more. Something along the lines of how the US cops are slap-happy and frequently tazer defenceless women, and beat the s*** out of innocent citizens with disgusting regularity. Theres a fair bit of that here too. |
pctek (84) | ||
| 435339 | 2006-03-04 21:17:00 | ROFL Nice one SurferJoe that was good for a laugh :thumbs: | Overdrive_5000 (4950) | ||
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