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Thread ID: 66954	2006-03-12 18:15:00	Monday laughs: Tax time approaches	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
437626	2006-03-12 18:15:00	Taken from the Guardian, (supposedly) an actual letter sent by the Inland Revenue: Dear Mr Addison, I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise . I will address them, as ever, in order . Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter" . It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand" . This is how we, at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy; traditionally referred to such documents . Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the"endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat"has been noted . However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from"pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised . In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity" . More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole . Which brings me to my next point . Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself . The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark . Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example,"that box-ticking façade of a university system . " A couple of technical points arising from direct queries: 1 . The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system; 2 . You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical-logistics involved would make it financially non-viable . I trust this has helped . In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money . Please forward it by Friday . Yours Sincerely, H J Lee Customer Relations Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
437627	2006-03-12 18:59:00	A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked,"Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."	Cicero (40)
437628	2006-03-12 19:57:00	Billy, don't you wish you could write like that? Of course this assumes that like me, you can't! :lol:	John H (8)
437629	2006-03-12 20:14:00	The tax advisor had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time . The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach . Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?" --- The difference between the short and long income tax forms is simple . If you use the short form, the government gets your money . If you use the long form, the tax advisor gets your money . --- A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS: "I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax . I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150 . If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest . " --- What is the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion? The jail walls . --- What's the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist only takes the skin . --- "How have you managed to buy such a luxurious villa while your income is so low"? asked the IRS auditor . "Well," the taxpayer answered, "while fishing last summer, I had caught a large golden fish . When I took it off the hook, the fish opened his mouth and said, 'I am a magical fish . Throw me back to the sea and I'll give you the most luxurious villa you have ever seen . ' I threw the fish back to the sea, and got the villa . " "How can you prove such an unbelievable story"? "Well, you can see the villa, can't you"? --- For every tax problem there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated and wrong . --- How do you know you've met a good tax accountant? He has a loophole named after him . --- A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who had come to review his records . At one point, the auditor exclaimed, "We feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA . As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile . " "Thank God," returned the taxpayer . "I thought you were going to want cash . " --- The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet . The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and hand the lemon to a patron . Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money . Many people had tried over time, but nobody could do it . One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet . " After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon and squeezed away . Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man . The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass . As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter or what"? The man replied, "I work for the IRS . "	smithie 38 (6684)
437630	2006-03-13 03:49:00	LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter. LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie. MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie. DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the ute. HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies. KEYBOARD: Where you hang the ute keys. WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold. SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season. BYTE: What mozzies do. MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do. CHIP: A bar snack. MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips. MODEM: What you did to the lawns. LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps. SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at KFC RDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart. MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed. MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up. WEB: What spiders make. WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah. SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the ute won't go. CURSOR: What you say when the ute won't go. YAHOO: What you say when the ute does go. UPGRADE: A steep hill. SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch. MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch. USER: The neighbour who keep's borrowing things. NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net. INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go. NETSCAPE: Wh t the fish do when they discover the hole in the net. ONLINE: Where you hang the washing. OFFLINE: Where the washing end's up when the pegs aren't strong enough.	KiwiTT_NZ (233)
437631	2006-03-17 22:05:00	John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."	Cicero (40)
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