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Thread ID: 67900	2006-04-09 21:37:00	Monday laughs: Three for the price of none....	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
445279	2006-04-09 21:37:00	Q . How do you get two bagpipers to play in perfect tune? A . Shoot one . ------------------------------------------------------ Q . What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion? A . No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe . ------------------------------------------------------ Q . How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? A . You don't have to be very good to get people's attention . ----------------------------------------------------- Q . What's the definition of a Scots gentleman? A . One who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't . ------------------------------------------------------ Q . What's the range of a bagpipe? A . Twenty yards if you have a good arm . ---------------------------------------------------- Q . Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning? A . They rarely strike the same spot twice . ----------------------------------------------------- Q . How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune? A . Someone is blowing into it . ----------------------------------------------------- Q . Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A . To get away from the sound . ------------------------------------------------------ Q . What's the definition of "optimism" A . A bagpiper with a beeper . Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food . No other humans had been seen for days, and then the pioneers saw an old Norwegian man sitting beneath a tree . Their leader stepped down from his wagon and said" "Hello stranger,is there some place ahead where we can get food?" "Vell, I tink so," the old man said, "but I wouldn't go up dat hill und down de udder side . Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree . " "A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader . "Yah, a bacon tree . Vould I lie? Trust me . I vouldn't go dere . " The leader goes back and tells his people what the Norwegian said . "So why did he say not to go there?," a person asked . Other pioneers said, "Oh, you know those Norwegian people - they lie just for a joke . " So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side . Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre all except the leader who manages to escape and get back to the old Norwegian . Near dead, the leader staggers up to the old man and shouts, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your route, but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians who killed everyone but me . " The old Norwegian man holds up his hand and says, "Vait a minute . "He quickly picks up an English-Norwegian dictionary and begins thumbing through it . "Oof-da, he says, I made such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree, (Are you ready?) (Scroll down) (You're going to hate me . ) "It vuz a ham bush . " 1 . How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It . 2 . How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It . 3 . How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path 4 . How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It . 5 . What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam! 6 . What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroid's 7 . What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick 8 . . What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses . 9 . What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko . . ! 10 . What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk . 11 . What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite . 12 . What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck . 13 . What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef . Can you pea soup? 14 . Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him . 15 . Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers . 16 . Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because it scares the Dog . 17 . What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Instant Sanka . 18 . What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag . 19 . Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat . 20 . What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack . 21 . How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer With jokes this weak, you need to take a least three to feel any effect at all! Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
445280	2006-04-09 22:52:00	A very proper lady began planning a week's camping vacation for her and her Baptist Church group . She wrote to a campground for reservations . She wanted to make sure that the campground was fully equipped and modern, but couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter . So she decided on the old-fashioned term "bathroom commode . " Once she had written it down, she still was not comfortable . Finally she decided on the abbreviation "B . C . " and wrote, "Does your campground have its own "B . C . ?" When the campground owner received the letter, he couldn't figure out what she meant by "B . C . " He showed it to several of the campers, one of whom suggested the lady was obviously referring to a Baptist Church, since there was a letterhead on the paper which referred to a Baptist Church . So he sent this reply: Dear Madam: The B . C . is located nine miles from the campground in a beautiful grove of trees . I admit it is quite a distance if you and your group are in the habit of going regularly . No doubt you will be pleased to know that it will seat 350 people at one time, and it is open on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday of each week . Some folks like to take their lunch and make a day of it . The acoustics are very good, so everyone can hear even the quietest passages . It may interest you to know that my daughter met her husband there . We are also having a fund-raiser to purchase new seats, as the old ones have holes in them . Unfortunately, my wife is ill and has not been able to attend regularly . It's been a good six months since she last went . It pains her very much not to be able to go more often . As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold weather . Perhaps I could accompany your group the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks who will be there . Thank you for your interest, we offer a very friendly campground and I look forward to your visit . Manager	smithie 38 (6684)
445281	2006-04-09 23:29:00	.... Repeat, that was there last week wasn't it? :blush:	bob_doe_nz (92)
445282	2006-04-09 23:39:00	. . . . . . . . "It vuz a ham bush . " 8 . . What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses . Heh, I like those .	mejobloggs (264)
445283	2006-04-10 00:23:00	Hi bob-doe I have goofed again :( Actually was overseas last week so didnt see last weeks "Monday laughs". Sorry folks Smithie	smithie 38 (6684)
445284	2006-04-10 04:15:00	This is really funny ! We all know this guy but don't really know him, so click here and be enlightened: www.barry.fireflyinternet.co.uk -----Turn your speakers on-------	Strommer (42)
445285	2006-04-10 05:04:00	Here's another one, I'm clearing out my archives! 10 Tag lines that I wish I'd thought of - Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here. I got a sweater for Christmas. What I really wanted was a screamer or a moaner. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear my mother's words of wisdom: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!" A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, A true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!" I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! Don't argue! with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference. If raising children was going to be easy, It never would have started with something called LABOUR! Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, But FAT cells live forever. Finally, just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
445286	2006-04-10 05:51:00	Three sisters ages 92, 94 & 96 live in a house together . One night the 96 year old draws a bath . She puts her foot in & pauses . She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know . I'll come up & see . " She starts up the stairs & pauses . "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters . She shakes her head & says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," as she knocked on her wooden table for good measure . She then yells, "I'll come up & help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door . "	SurferJoe46 (51)
445287	2006-04-10 06:08:00	Not so much a joke, but somewhat humourous.. Some of the older men may appreciate this :p An Old Mate (in retirement) My nookie days are over My pilot light is out; What used to be my sex appeal Is now my water spout. Time was when, of it's own accord From my trousers it would spring; Now I have a full time job Just to find the blessed thing. It used to be embarrassing The way it would behave; For every single morning It would stand and watch me shave. As my old age approaches It sure gives me the blues; To see it hang its withered head And watch me tie my shoes.	Myth (110)
445288	2006-04-11 09:12:00	The Priest who could not lie A distinguished looking young lady is on a flight returning from Switzerland . She finds herself seated next to a priest and asks" Excuse me father, may I ask a favor of you?" "Well of course Miss, what can I do for you?" he replies . "Here's the dilemma, I purchased for myself, a superbly sophisticated electronic hair remover . I paid a lot of money for it . I really went well over the limits set forth by Customs, and I fear they will confiscate it from me . Could you perhaps secret it through Customs for me under your robes?" "I certainly could my dear, only I must warn you I really am not ever able to lie . . . " "You have such an honest face father, surely they will never ask any questions of you," and with that she hands him the hair remover . After landing they proceed through Customs and it becomes the father's turn in line . "Father, do you have anything to declare?" asks the Custom's officer . "From the top of my head to my waist I have nothing to declare my son . " Finding this answer a little strange the custom's officer proceeds to ask, "And from the waist to the floor, what do you have to declare?" The father replies, "I have a marvelous little instrument destined to be used on a woman, but which has never yet been used . . . " Roaring with laughter the Custom's officer says, "Go right through father . Next!" . . . . Subject: Irish Vasectomy THIS IS A REAL CRACKER After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed . So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children . The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive . A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10 . The husband said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me . " "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor . So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can . He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand . This procedure also works in Australia . . . . ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -- . .	Cicero (40)
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