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Thread ID: 68485 2006-04-30 22:11:00 Monday laughs: Employees Billy T (70) PC World Chat
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450951 2006-04-30 22:11:00 Laughs from Employee Performance Evaluations
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For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember,it could have been worse . These are supposedly actual quotes taken from federal government employee performance evaluations .

1 . "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig . "

2 . "I would not allow this employee to breed . "

3 . "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be . "

4 . "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap . "

5 . "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet . "

6 . "This young lady has delusions of adequacy . "

7 . "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them . "

8 . "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot . "

9 . "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better . "

10 . "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together . "

11 . "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus . "

12 . "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier . "

14 . "I would like to go hunting with him sometime . "

15 . "He's been working with glue too much . "

16 . "He would argue with a signpost . "

17 . "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room . "

18 . "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell . "

19 . "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one . "

20 . "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on . "

21 . "A prime candidate for natural de-selection . "

22 . "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it . "

23 . "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming . "

24 . "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it . "

25 . "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week . "

26 . "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change . "

27 . "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean . "

28 . "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm . "

29 . "One neuron short of a synapse . "

30 . "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled . "

31 . "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes . "

32 . "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead .



Now for a few thoughts on successful employees:

In 1923, Who Was . . .

1 . President of the world's largest steel company?

2 . President of the largest gas company?

3 . President of the New York Stock Exchange?

4 . Greatest wheat speculator?

5 . President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6 . The "Great Bear of Wall Street"?

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their day . Now, 83 years later, the history book asks us if we know what ultimately became of them .



The Answers:

1 . The president of the largest steel company . Charles Schwab, died a pauper .

2 . The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane .

3 . The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home .

4 . The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless .

5 . The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself .

6 The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide .


However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen . So what became of him?

He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95 .

He was financially secure at the time of his death .

The Moral: Screw work, play golf .



Cheers

Billy 8-{) 		Billy T (70)
450952 2006-04-30 22:24:00 Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that was closed for the night .

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling . We come in peace . Take us to your leader . "

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond .

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you . "

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting . Again, there was no response .

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling . We come in peace . Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad . "

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien . He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire . There was a huge explosion . A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch .

About a half hour passed . When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head .

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien . "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!" 		smithie 38 (6684)
450953 2006-04-30 22:32:00 made me larf that second one. Billy T's was good too though I feared something salutary coming until the very end:D mark c (247)
450954 2006-05-01 01:14:00 Water on Mars (img.photobucket.com) KiwiTT_NZ (233)
450955 2006-05-01 04:51:00 1 . Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella .

2 . It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a . When a heroic dog dies to save its master .
b . The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse .
c . After wrecking your boss' car .
d . One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game" .
e . When she is using her teeth

3 . Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates .

4 . Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours .

5 . If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her .

6 . Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden . Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable .

7 . No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man . In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional .

8 . On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest .

9 . When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing .

10 . You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax . If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend .

1 1 . It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach . . . and it's delivered by atopless supermodel . . . and it's free .

12 . Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts .

13 . Unless you're in prison, never fight naked .

14 . Friends don't let friends wear Speedos . Ever . Issue closed .

15 . If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything .

16 . Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers .

17 . A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight .

18 . Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both .

19 . If you complement a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer .

20 . Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response .

2 1 . Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a . Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b . C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c . Another set and we can hit the showers!

22 . Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc . For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need .

23 . Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on for longer than you are able to have sex with her . Keep a stopwatch by the phone . Hang up if necessary .

24 . The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken, wild monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was .

25 . It is acceptable for you to drive her car . It is not acceptable for her to drive yours .

26 . Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, orange or sky blue .

27 . The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation2 . End of story . 		FoxyMX (5)
450956 2006-05-01 05:41:00 The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!"


:lol: :lol: :lol: 		dolby digital (5073)
450957 2006-05-01 05:48:00 27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation2. End of story.
Hah. This is supposed to be bad?! Its a good present.
My friend was given a 42" plasma TV by her man..... 		pctek (84)
450958 2006-05-01 05:58:00 My friend was given a 42" plasma TV by her man . . . . .
Lucky cow . . . . . . . :cool:

BTW, did you get a panthlet (aka pamphlet :p) last week from Magazine Subscribe or some outfit advertising subscriptions to a bunch of mags for Mothers' Day?

Women's Weekly, Next, Listener, House & Garden, Horse & Pony, etc etc etc were there . . . . . but NO PC WORLD OR PC MAGS !!!! :angry :yuck:

Stupid lot . . . . . 		FoxyMX (5)
450959 2006-05-01 13:31:00 subject: A cat story . . .

One hot February day we found an old straggly cat at our door .
She was a sorry sight . Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down we felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet . We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat . "

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so . He said he would let us know when we could come and get her .

My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her,she stinks . "

He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE that wanted the dirty cat,not him .

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye . He calls my husband "El-Cheap-O," my husband calls him "El-Take-O . " They love to hate each other and constantly "snipe" at each other, with my husband getting in the last word on this occasion .

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located next door to the vet . The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see him .

A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive . He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved and she now smells like a rose .

Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant . God only knows who the father is!" And he closed the door .

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even . . 		Cicero (40)
450960 2006-05-01 13:34:00 heh, owch.

That is NOT getting even, thats going all the way to the other side! 		mejobloggs (264)
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