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Thread ID: 68713	2006-05-08 12:19:00	The "Nearly Tuesday" Laughs: Life	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
453280	2006-05-08 12:19:00	Old but true! That's Life On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past . For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years . " The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking . How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed . On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh . For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span . " The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform . How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" And God agreed . On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family . For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years . " The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years . How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again . On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life . For this, I'll give you twenty years . " But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it . " So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves . For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family . For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren . And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone . Life has now been explained to you . Cheers Billy 8-{) :D	Billy T (70)
453281	2006-05-08 12:20:00	Was at the doctors and she told me I had herpes! She said I had herpes in my eyes! I asked her "How did I get herpes in my eyes?" She said "Looking for love in all the wrong places" *insert sad moans...	bob_doe_nz (92)
453282	2006-05-08 20:56:00	NEW YORK—Fidelity Financial Services' Gwen Watson, 33, shouted angrily at her IBM ViaVoice Pro USB voice-recognition software, sources close to the human-resources administrator reported Monday. "No, not Gary Friedman! Barry Friedman, you stupid computer. BARRY!" Watson was heard to scream from her cubicle. "Jesus Christ, I could've typed it in a hundredth of the time." After another minute of yelling, Watson was further incensed upon looking at her screen, which read, "Barely Freedman you God ram plucking pizza ship." [Source: www.theonion.com	somebody (208)
453283	2006-05-08 22:14:00	Bryan came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as He often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep . He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep . When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe . "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?" . The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter" . Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family . . . . you've got to send me back straight away" . St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch . We can only send you back as a dog or a hen . " Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen . A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground . This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him . The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode" . "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before" . "Never" replies Brian "Well just relax and let it happen" And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail . An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time . When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, when he saw the farmers wife coming along and she grabbed the hen by the neck and he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and . . . . . . . heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunk b@stard, you're sh!tting in the bed"!	KiwiTT_NZ (233)
453284	2006-05-08 22:34:00	HOW TO HANDLE A DIFFICULT CUSTOMER If ever you have a difficult situation to manage, you might consider the approach offered by this obviously well trained Customer Service Officer . Indeed, an award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo . A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service . A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers . Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk . He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS!" The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir . I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out . " The passenger was unimpressed . He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public Address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your Attention please," she began - her voice clearly heard throughout the terminal . "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS . If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14 . " With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F . . . You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get In line for that too"!!!	smithie 38 (6684)
453285	2006-05-09 01:25:00	More chickens: Then, there was the Vancouver man, married but who had spent the evening getting quite drunk in the Drake hotel. He showed up at home in Burnaby very late. He was quite disheveled and had a live chicken under his arm. His wife was waiting inside the door with her hands on her hips and steam coming out of her ears. The husband slurs, " Here is the pig I've been screwing". The wife says, "That's not a pig, you drunken idiot, it's a chicken!". "Hey!", says the husband," I was talking to the chicken". Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
453286	2006-05-09 09:14:00	Lisa was the teenage daughter of morman missionaries working with the eskimo people. Unfortunately her parents were killed in a blizzard and was bought up through the long winter by the eskimos during which she came to love the Eskimo culture and decided she wanted to become a real Eskimo. So she went to the tribal leaders and they told her that to be officially adopted into the tribe she had to do three things. First she had to build an igloo using no tools. Then she had to kill a polar bear with her bare hands. And finally she had to make love to an Eskimo man. So the next day she set out early and by afternoon came back and took the tribal leaders to the most beautiful igloo they had ever seen. Everyone approved and said she had done the first task wonderfully. So the next morning she again left early. By late afternoon the tribal leaders began to worry a little about her. Finally, after dusk, she came stumbling back into the village. They could see that she was scratched and bitten, her clothes were in tatters and she was limping. She came up to the leaders gathered around the fire and said, 'All right. Now where is this Eskimo man I have to kill."	tutaenui (1724)
453287	2006-05-09 10:25:00	WHY AM I SO TIRED? For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, and too much pressure from my job, ear waxbuild-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of . Now I've found out the real reason I'm tired -- because I'm overworked . Here's why: The population of New Zealand is about 4 million . 1 . 4 million are retired, that leaves 2 . 6 million to do the work . There are 0 . 5 million in school, which leaves 2 . 1 million to do the work . Of this there are 1 . 2 million are directly employed by the government, leaving 0 . 9 million to do the work . 0 . 25 million are in the combined armed forces, preoccupied with cleaning their rifles, which leaves 0 . 6 5 million to do the work . Take from that total the 0 . 35 million people who work for Provincial and C ity Governments, and that leaves 0 . 3 million to do the work . At any given time, there are 76,000 people in hospitals, leaving 224,000 to do the work . Now, there are 11,998 people in prisons or awaiting sentence and 212,000 on Employment Insurance and Welfare . That leaves just two people to do the work . You and me . And there you are sitting on your arse, at your computer, reading jokes . Nice . Real nice .	Cicero (40)
453288	2006-05-09 10:29:00	rofltastic	roddy_boy (4115)
453289	2006-05-09 22:22:00	hahahahahaha all good. *gets off butt*	mark c (247)
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