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Thread ID: 68713	2006-05-08 12:19:00	The "Nearly Tuesday" Laughs: Life	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
453290	2006-05-09 23:01:00	Comments by patients during Colonoscopies Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous . . . . A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies: 1 . "Take it easy, Doc . You're boldly going where no man has gone before! 2 . "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" 3 . "Can you hear me NOW?" 4 . "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" 5 . "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married . " 6 . "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?" 7 . "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out . . . " 8 . "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" 9 . "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit! 10 . "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity . " 11 . "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?" 12 . "God, now I know why I am not gay . " And the best one of all . . . 13 . "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"	FoxyMX (5)
453291	2006-05-09 23:11:00	7 . "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out . . . " You do the Hopoate and you turn it all around . Thats what it's all about! :rolleyes:	bob_doe_nz (92)
453292	2006-05-09 23:20:00	You do the Hopoate and you turn it all around . Thats what it's all about! :rolleyes: Now THAT is gooooood! :eek: Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
453293	2006-05-10 01:34:00	Mr Bean: No Smoking (imagef1.net.nz) Work safe.	bob_doe_nz (92)
453294	2006-05-10 01:48:00	There is a moral to this story, but not exactly the one most of us are expecting! In the heat of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake . The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular, "Gosh . . . if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed . " There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh . . . if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him . " There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh . . . if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the fly . . . and I will grab him . " There was a hunter farther around the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich . . . . "Gosh," he thought, "If that fly goes down three inches . . . and that fish leaps for it . . . that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish . I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch . " Now you probably think there has been enough activity, but I can tell you there's more . . . . A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh . . . if that fly goes down three inches . . . and that fish jumps for that fly . . . and that bear grabs for that fish . . . the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich . " A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time . "Gosh . . . if that fly goes down three inches . . . and that fish jumps for that fly . . . and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear . . . and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich . . . then I can have mouse for lunch . " The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water . The fish swallows the fly . . . The bear grabs the fish . . . The hunter shoots the bear . . . The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich . . . The cat jumps for the mouse . . . The mouse ducks . . . The cat falls into the water and drowns . The moral of the story is: (wait for it . . . ) Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is in serious danger .	FoxyMX (5)
453295	2006-05-10 02:20:00	Nice one FoxyMX :)	stu161204 (123)
453296	2006-05-10 06:59:00	These were sent to us by Ani, a nun friend of ours . Hope you enjoy them . Am progressing very well and enjoying some super sunny weather . Love to the lovely two from us, Gilly and Den . These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court taken down by court reporters . ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th . ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year . _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks . ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes . ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget . ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which . ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years . _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan . ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do . ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do . ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo . ________________________________ ______ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one . ________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Would you repeat the question? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes . ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh . . . . ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes . ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None . ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there . ________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death . ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard . ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work . ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people . ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral . ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around8:30 p . m . ATTORNEY: And Mr . Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh? ____________________________________________ And the best for last ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No . ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No . ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No . ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No . ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar . ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law . .	Cicero (40)
453297	2006-05-10 07:32:00	Mr Bean: No Smoking (imagef1.net.nz) Work safe. Which is why renting the movie is so much better.	pctek (84)
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