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Thread ID: 69316	2006-05-28 23:21:00	Monday laughs: Offspring	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
458669	2006-05-28 23:21:00	A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together . Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor . "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one . . . "Sorry I'm running late . . . had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present . " "Not to worry," said the dad . . . "the important thing is that we're all here together today . " Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom still look great, Dad . Just flew in from L . A . and didn't have time to get you a present . . . Sorry . " "It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here . " Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing . . . so I didn't have time to get you guys anything . " Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today . " After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time, and this anniversary dinner seems to me to be the most appropriate time . You see, he went on, when your mother and I first met we were very poor . Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college . All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but . . . we just never found the time to get married . " The three kids gasped and said, "You mean we're bastards?" "Yep," said the dad, "and cheap ones, too!" Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
458670	2006-05-29 01:04:00	www.youtube.com enjoy mode3	mode3 (6544)
458671	2006-05-29 02:24:00	Lol thats awesome	Tricks_drummer (6408)
458672	2006-05-29 02:33:00	silent library pt 2 www.youtube.com mode3	mode3 (6544)
458673	2006-05-30 03:21:00	It's a sort of joke . "Bird Flu" Do you know that 'bird flu' was discovered in Vietnam 9 years ago? Do you know that barely 100 people have died in the whole world in all that time? Do you know that it was the Americans who alerted us to the efficacy of the human antiviral TAMIFLU as a preventative . Do you know that TAMIFLU barely alleviates some symptoms of the common flu? Do you know that its efficacy against the common flu is questioned by a great part of the scientific community? Do you know that against a SUPPOSED mutant virus such as H5N1, TAMIFLU barely alleviates the illness? Do you know that to date Avian Flu affects birds only? Do you know who markets TAMIFLU? ROCHE LABORATORIES . Do you know who bought the patent for TAMIFLU from ROCHE LABORATORIES in 1996? GILEAD SCIENCES INC . Do you know who was the then president of GILEAD SCIENCES INC . and remains a major shareholder? DONALD RUMSFELD, the present Secretary of Defence of the USA . Do you know that the base of TAMIFLU is crushed aniseed? Do you know who controls 90% of the world's production of this tree? ROCHE . Do you know that sales of TAMIFLU were over $254 million in 2004 and more than $1000 million in 2005? Do you know how many more millions ROCHE can earn in the coming months if the business of fear continues? So the summary of the story is as follows: Bush's friends decide that the medicine TAMIFLU is the solution for a pandemic that has not yet occurred and that has caused a hundred deaths worldwide in 9 years . This medicine doesn't so much as cure the common flu . In normal conditions the virus does not affect humans . Rumsfeld sells the patent for TAMIFLU to ROCHE for which they pay him a fortune . Roche acquires 90% of the global production of crushed aniseed, the base for the antivirus . The governments of the entire world threaten a pandemic and then buy industrial quantities of the product from Roche . So we end up paying for medicine while Rumsfeld, Cheney and Bush do the business . ARE WE CRAZY!!? OR ARE WE IDIOTS!!?	Cicero (40)
458674	2006-05-30 03:42:00	It's a sort of joke . "Bird Flu" ARE WE CRAZY!!? OR ARE WE IDIOTS!!? Its not a joke, its true . To answer the last question: The media loves dramatic stories The drug companies love profit therefore they push their products The scientific community loves funding The general public are gullible and believe everything they are told	pctek (84)
458675	2006-05-30 04:15:00	Its not a joke, its true. To answer the last question: The media loves dramatic stories The drug companies love profit therefore they push their products The scientific community loves funding The general public are gullible and believe everything they are told I meant in the sense,that we put up with it.	Cicero (40)
458676	2006-05-30 04:28:00	(I have a sneaky suspicion that the following has been on a previous thread, but could not locate anything in the archives . So here goes and if you have seen it before, I am sorry . ) In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Auckland, New Zealand,as an illegal immigrant and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me . Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans . " He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights" . Noah was dubious about the project, because unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights is normal in Auckland, but he knew he must bow to the will of the Lord . Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his revered quarter acre section . . . . but no ark . "Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah . "But things have changed . I needed a building consent from the council, . I've been arguing with the Fire Service about the need for a sprinkler system . My neighbours claim that I've violated the zoning laws by building the Ark on my property and exceeding the height limitations . We then had to go to Arbitration for a decision . Then the electricity companies demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea . I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it . Getting the wood was another problem . The Greens have placed a ban on cutting local timber in order to save the Kiwi . I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the birds . But no go! When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group . They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will . As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space . Maori have forbidden the project to continue unless taniwha are permitted on the Ark and indigenous tribes own half the Ark after I have designed and built it . I also have to agree to pay $150 Billion for depriving Maori of traditional lands by means of inundation, which they allege, is simply a case of "holy colonization" . I am bogged down in further negotiations on multimillion payments for rights to sail the Ark on the seas of Aotearoa . Other Maori tribes have sued me because they allege the Ark is a Pakeha version of the Maori canoe and they have appealed to the Waitangi Tribunal to declare it tapu . Then the Environmental Court ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood . I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many Maori I'm supposed to hire for my building crew and the requirement for separate female toilets in case I hire a woman . Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons . They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience,and they expect a day in leiu if we work weekends or public holidays plus holiday day pay and rain allowances . OSH has decreed each employee must be equipped with a life jacket and personal life raft even though we are building on the mountain . When I pointed this out, they made me provide ice axes and climbing boots for each employee and their families,and harnesses because I was working over 3 metres in height . To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species . At first the Labour government was in favour of my project because it created building jobs on our mountain . Then they were shocked by an opinion poll which revealed that 99% of all New Zealanders opposed a devastating flood, and after an emergency cabinet meeting, Helen Clark announced that Labour had never favoured floods as a means of solving problems and was totally opposed to the project (unless future opinion polls revealed popular support for the Ark) . She said "God should sit down and talk sensibly about the issues" . So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark . " Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky . Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, You're not going to destroy the world?" . "No," said the Lord . "The New Zealand Government beat me to it . "	smithie 38 (6684)
458677	2006-05-30 05:10:00	Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put . The garage is all yours . Wedding plans take care of themselves . Chocolate is just another snack . You can be President . You can never be pregnant . You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park . You can wear NO shirt to a water park . Car mechanics tell you the truth . The world is your urinal . You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky . You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt . Same work, more pay . Wrinkles add character . Wedding dress $5000 . Tux rental-$100 . People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them . The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected . New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet . One mood all the time . Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat . You know stuff about tanks . A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase . You can open all your own jars . You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness . If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend . Your underwear is $8 . 95 for a three-pack . Three pairs of shoes are more than enough . You almost never have strap problems in public . You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes . Everything on your face stays its original color . The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades . You only have to shave your face and neck . You can play with toys all your life . Your belly usually hides your big hips . One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons . You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look . You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife . You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache . . You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes . No wonder men are happier .	FoxyMX (5)
458678	2006-05-30 08:28:00	Noah was dubious about the project, because unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights is normal in Auckland, but he knew he must bow to the will of the Lord. Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his revered quarter acre section.... Hold on - this is Auckland - what quarter acre section?! You mean 450 sqm... :p	pctek (84)
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