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Thread ID: 70207	2006-06-25 20:46:00	Monday laughs: Infidelity - Four variations on a theme.......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
466071	2006-06-25 20:46:00	A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine . "What was that for?" he asked . "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied . "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained . Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said . "I should have known there was a good explanation . Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold . When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?" She replied, "Your horse called . " A wife arriving home after a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing . Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words . "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about . Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride . She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator . Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style . She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didn't suit you . Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore . "Then, as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' . . . . . . . . So, here we are!" Woman: Would you get married again if I died? Man: Definitely not! Woman: Why not -- don't you like being married? Man: Of course I do . Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry? Man: Okay, I'd get married again . Woman: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face!) Man: (audible groan) Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed? Man: Where else would we sleep? Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do . Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs? Man: She can't use them -- she's left-handed . Woman: (silence) Man: Oh $#@^&! . When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed . You must promise never to look in it . " In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked . On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside . In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874 . 25 in cash . She closed the box and put it back under the bed . Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents . That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner . After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry, Bill . For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed . However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in . But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?" Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth . Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again . " Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica . I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior . However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess three times is not that bad considering your problem . " Bill thanked her for being so understanding . They hugged and made their peace . A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered: "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash . " Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
466072	2006-06-25 22:02:00	An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?" The old pastor mustered all his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go.	smithie 38 (6684)
466073	2006-06-25 22:25:00	Marriage - Part I Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night ........ whether you're here or not." (DAMN SHE'S GOOD!) ************************************ Marriage (Part II) Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever " "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last" (HE ASKED FOR IT!) ****************************** Marriage (Part III) Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either, and storms out of the house. After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!" (YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!) ****************************************** Marriage (Part IV) A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?' His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four." (RIGHT ON, LADY!) ************************************** Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." (Men are not equipped for these sort of contests) ************************************************ Marriage (Part VI) The Man of the House The husband had just finished reading the book "Man of the House." He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "from now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert. Then you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?' His wife replied, "the funeral director?"	FoxyMX (5)
466074	2006-06-26 03:53:00	Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?" Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
466075	2006-06-27 20:44:00	Subject: Test for smart people Test for Smart People . . . . . I have determined that you qualify . The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional . Scroll down for each answer . The questions are NOT that difficult . But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question! 1 . How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door . This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way . 2 . How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator? Wrong Answer . Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door . This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions . 3 . The Lion King is hosting an animal conference . All the animals attend . . . . except one . Which animal does not attend? Correct Answer: The Elephant . The elephant is in the refrigerator . You just put him in there . This tests your memory . Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities . 4 . There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat . How do you manage it? Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across . Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting . This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes . According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers . Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old . This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from . papercut . biz/emailStripper . htm" target="_blank">www . papercut . biz	Cicero (40)
466076	2006-06-28 06:03:00	Subject: Test for smart people 2 . How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? Disagree here! It says "a", not "the"! :rolleyes: :dogeye: Cheers :)	Renmoo (66)
466077	2006-06-28 06:24:00	Disagree here! It says "a", not "the"! :rolleyes: :dogeye: Cheers :) Now look up the word,pedantic .	Cicero (40)
466078	2006-06-29 06:42:00	The word "pedantic" or "a" / "the"? Perhaps I should change it to "Mr. English Fussy"? Cheers :)	Renmoo (66)
466079	2006-06-30 00:39:00	Getting back on topic, this one has been posted before, but it's worth recycling for the infidelity theme: A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work . Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch . The woman's husband also comes home . She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already . The little boy says, "Dark in here . " The man says, "Yes, it is . " Boy - "I have a baseball . " Man - "That's nice . " Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks . " Boy - "My dad's outside . " Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$150" Man - "Sold . " In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together . Boy - "Dark in here . " Man - "Yes, it is . " Boy - "I have a Wilson fielders glove . " The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy "$350" Man - "Highway robbery . Sold . " A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch . The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my gloves . " The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy -"$500" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that . . . that is way more than those two things cost . I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed . " They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door . The boy says, "Dark in here . " The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now" Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
466080	2006-07-01 01:05:00	This one comes from the good old days of aparthied South Africa. I apologise if any of the content is racist, any offence is unintentional. A husband phones home to talk to his wife and eventually the phone is picked up by his african house servant, " Jambo " he says (hello). " Ngoma, what are you doing answering the phone? " " Oh master, the mistress, she is busy. " " Go and get her for me Ngoma. " " I cannot, Master. " " Ngoma, I said go and get her for me! " " Master, the mistress is upstairs and she told me not to disturb her. " " What is she doing Ngoma? " " I don't know what she is doing master, but she went upstairs with the young master from the farm next door. " " Ngoma, are they having sex? " " I think so, Master. " " Ngoma, I want you to go to the study and get my under and over shot gun and two cartridges from the desk drawer, do you know where they are kept? " " Yes master. " " Then I want you to go upstairs and shoot them both. " " I cannot, master, I will get in bad trouble. " " Not as bad as the trouble I will give you when I get home if you don't do as I say. " " I will do it, Master. " After a couple of minutes the master hears the sound of 2 shots and eventually Ngoma comes back to the phone. " What should I do now master? " " Now I want you to take the shot gun down to the river at the bottom of the property and throw it as far as you can into the middle of the river where it is deepest. " " what river, Master, There is no river at the bottom of the property. " " Is this 847 2135? " " no Master. " " Oh! sorry, wrong number. " click.	theother1 (3573)
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