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Thread ID: 70426	2006-07-02 22:08:00	Monday laughs: The perfect husband........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
468152	2006-07-02 22:08:00	Several men are in the locker room of a golf club . A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk . Everyone else in the room stops to listen . MAN: "Hello . " WO MAN: "Honey, it's me . Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes . " WO MAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat . It's only $1,000 . Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much . " WO MAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models . I saw one I really liked . " MAN: "How much?" WO MAN: "$90,000 . " MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options . " WO MAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing . . . . . the house I wanted last year is back on the market . They're asking $950,000 . " MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000 . They will probably take it . If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand . It is really a pretty good price . " WO MAN: "OK . I'll see you later! I love you so much!!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too . " The man hangs up . The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?" Cheers Billy 8-{) :D	Billy T (70)
468153	2006-07-02 22:28:00	An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area . Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy . He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull . " Buddy didn't move . Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull . " Buddy didn't respond . Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pull . " Nothing . Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull . " And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch . The motorist was most appreciative and very curious . He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times . The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"	smithie 38 (6684)
468154	2006-07-03 09:21:00	A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him all around . If he stopped, she stopped . Furthermore, she kept staring at him . She finally overtook him on his way to the checkout . She turned to him and said, "Young man, I hope I have not made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son . " He answered, " Bless your heart, ma'am . that's okay . " She said, "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy . " She then went through the checkout and grabbed her full shopping cart . As she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom!" The little old lady smiled, waved and blew him a kiss . Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he got in line to pay for his groceries . "That comes to $121 . 85," said the clerk . "How come so much? I only bought 5 items . . " The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things, too . " I'LL NEVER TRUST LITTLE OLD LADIES AGAIN . . . . . . . .	FoxyMX (5)
468155	2006-07-04 04:14:00	Number 1 A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table: "To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy . I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife . Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel . Please don't be upset . I shall be home before midnight . " When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table: "My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old . I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old . As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college . I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach . He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old . As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18 . Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow . " Number 2 After months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to summer and BBQ season . Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion: Routine . . . (1) The woman buys the food . (2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert . (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand . Here comes the important part: (4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL . More routine . . . . (5) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery . (6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning . He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation . Important again: (7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN . More routine . . . . ( The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table . (9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes . And most important of all: 10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts . (11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off . " And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women . . . .	KiwiTT_NZ (233)
468156	2006-07-04 04:22:00	A study conducted by UCLA Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds atttractive on man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to prefer a man with scissors lodged in his Temple and a bat jammed up his ass Further studies in this area have been cancelled. .................................................. .................................................. ....... A previous study also cancelled a scientist has discovered a material that when made into a bra it makes the boobs smaller than they really are further tests were cancelled when the scientist disappeared	KiwiTT_NZ (233)
468157	2006-07-04 04:33:00	A previous study also cancelled a scientist has discovered a material that when made into a bra it makes the boobs smaller than they really are further tests were cancelled when the scientist disappeared I think he got beaten to a pulp, didn't he? :p	FoxyMX (5)
468158	2006-07-04 04:38:00	You may not know that many non-living things have a gender . For example: 1) Freezer Bags Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them . 2) Photocopiers Female, because once turned off it takes a while to warm them up again . They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed but they can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed . 3) Tyres Male, because they go bald and they are often over-inflated . 4) Hot Air Balloons Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there's lots of hot air . 5) Sponges Female because they're soft, squeezable and retain water . 6) Web Pages Female, because it's always getting hit on . 7) Railway Stations Male, because they use the same old lines to pick people up . 8) Hourglass Female, because over time the weight shifts to the bottom . 9) Hammer Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years but it's still handy to have around . 10) Remote Control Female . . . . . . Ha! You thought it would be male, but consider this -- They give a man pleasure, and he'd be lost without one . And while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying .	FoxyMX (5)
468159	2006-07-04 04:48:00	10) Remote Control Female...... Ha! You thought it would be male, but consider this -- They give a man pleasure, and he'd be lost without one. And while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying. Until he pushes the 'Play' button and suddenly finds out the batteries are dead :D	Shortcircuit (1666)
468160	2006-07-04 04:51:00	Sounds like a good Tui ad......... The Perfect husband.............. Yeah Right. :D beetle	beetle (243)
468161	2006-07-04 05:24:00	A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen" he replies. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it." He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?	KiwiTT_NZ (233)
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