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Thread ID: 70614	2006-07-09 20:24:00	Monday Laughs: Makin' Whoopee........Triple dip.	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
469708	2006-07-09 20:24:00	A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college . There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation . "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man . Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am . Just serious by nature . " "The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action . " "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action . " The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little . Relax and enjoy yourself . " The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner . Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955, ma'am . " "Well, there you are . You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times . Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now . " ------------------------------------ She was in the kitchen doing the soft boiled eggs for breakfast . He walks in and asks "What's for breakfast?" She turns to him and says, "Soft boiled eggs, but you've got to make love to me this very moment" . He, thinking it's his lucky day, stands her over the kitchen table and they have sex . Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?" She says "The egg timer's broken!" ------------------------------------ Jerry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually . He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work . So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man . The medicine man says, "I can cure this . " That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke . Then he says, "This is powerful medicine . You can only use it once a year . All you have to do is say '123,' and it will rise for as long as you wish" Jerry asks, "What happens when I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down . But be warned - it will not work again for another year . " Jerry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess . That night he is ready to surprise his long frustrated mate . He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion . He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123 . " He suddenly becomes more aroused than any previous time in his life - just as the medicine man had promised . His mate, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?" . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . And now you know why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition . Cheers Billy 8-{) ;)	Billy T (70)
469709	2006-07-09 22:26:00	"Be Very Quiet" A father and son went hunting together for the first time . The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET . I'll be across the field . " A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son . "What's wrong?" the father asked . "I told you to be quiet . " The boy, bless his heart, answered; "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet . I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck . I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder . I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me . I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat . I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching . But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' " Well, I guess I just panicked :)	smithie 38 (6684)
469710	2006-07-10 01:23:00	A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper. "Where does poo come from?" she asks. The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says: "Well you know we just ate breakfast?" "Yes," answers the girl. "Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo." The little girl looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks: > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > "And Tigger?"	KiwiTT_NZ (233)
469711	2006-07-10 01:28:00	A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?" The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony." The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable." The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man." > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see that map again."	KiwiTT_NZ (233)
469712	2006-07-10 04:29:00	Naturally, a thread with this title just has to have a tune, not any old tune, but Makin' Whoopee of course. A tune, the music written by Walter Donaldson, words by Gus Kahn, for the 1928 Ziegfield Broadway show called 'Whoopee', and starring goggle eyes himself Eddie Cantor: Makin' Whoopee (great-song-stylists-uk.com). The show was followed by the film of the same name in 1930, again with Eddie Cantor, and the glamorous Goldwyn Girls. The version of the tune I like is from 1929 by Paul Whiteman and his Orchestra with Bing Crosby doing the vocal, and Bix sound alike Andy Secrest on cornet played in a faster tempo: Makin' Whoopee (www.redhotjazz.com)	Terry Porritt (14)
469713	2006-07-10 04:46:00	A lady goes on vacation to Jamaica. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, "What is your name?" "I can't tell you," the black man says. Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he can't tell her. On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?" "I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me," says the black man. "There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says. "Fine, my name is Snow" the black man replies. And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says, "See I knew you would make fun of it". The lady replied, "I'm not making fun of your name. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in Jamaica!"	FoxyMX (5)
469714	2006-07-10 04:53:00	So much for the theory that Grandmas know everything! Little Tony was visiting his grandmother for a few days . He'd been outside playing with the neighborhood kids for a while when, suddenly, he burst into the house and asked, "Grandma, what is that called when people are sleeping on top of each other?" She was somewhat taken aback, but, after a little thought, decided it would be best to be truthful with the boy: "It's called sexual intercourse, darling . " Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to continue talking and playing with his friends . A few minutes later he came running back in the house and said angrily, "Grandma, it is NOT called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds!!"	FoxyMX (5)
469715	2006-07-11 04:33:00	Hey folks, I luv this one. A must read if you havent: A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?" POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home." LAWYER: "No," I mean -- what is the foundation of this case?" POLE: "It made of concrete." LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?" POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one." LAWYER: "I mean, what are your relations like?" POLE: "All my relations still in Poland." LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" POLE: "Ja, we have hi-fidelity stereo set and good DVD player." LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?" POLE: "No, I always up before her." LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?" POLE: "No, she white." LAWYER: 'WHY do you want this divorce?" POLE: "She going to kill me." LAWYER: 'What makes you think that?" POLE: "I got proof. LAWYER: 'What kind of proof?" POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put in shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, "Polish Remover" Source: www.usj.com.my Cheers :)	Renmoo (66)
469716	2006-07-11 06:41:00	What's the different between a beehive and Steam (http://www.steampowered.com/)??? One has less bugs :blush:	bob_doe_nz (92)
469717	2006-07-11 08:21:00	Two little boys... Two 10 year old boys are taking a piss - one looks over at the penis of the other and says, "Oh no! What's wrong with your penis?" The little boy replies, "I've been circumcised" His friend says, "You poor guy - when did that happen?" "When I was born", came the reply "Yuck, it looks aweful - what did they do to it?" askes the first boy "They cut off my foreskin" The first little boy was shuddering as he imagined the pain his freind must have gone through. "I bet it hurt?", he said. "HURT!!", exclaimed the boy, "Hurt - it hurt so much I couldn't walk for a year!"	tutaenui (1724)
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