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Thread ID: 70799	2006-07-16 20:59:00	Monday Laughs: Quicky selection........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
471402	2006-07-16 20:59:00	A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied . "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- "Mr . Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the Divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week . " "That's very fair, your honour," the husband said, "and every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself . " ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all . "Me neither doc," said the husband . "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids . ----------------------------------------------------------------------- An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years . The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you . The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife . " ------------------------------------------------- -------------------- Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder 1 . . All the DNA is the same . 2 . There are no dental records . ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute . . . . . " "Thank you" the blonde says, and hangs up . ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez . "How was he killed?" asked one detective . "With a golf gun," the other detective replied "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know" says the first detective, "But it sure made a hole in Juan . " --------------------------------------------------------------------- This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen . Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink . " ------------------------------------------ --------------------------- Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion . " Joe: "Really?" Moe: "Yeah . Until I married her I didn't believe in hell . " --------------------------------------------------------------------- While shopping for vacation clothes, a woman and her husband passed a display of bathing suits . It had been at least ten years and 25 kilos since the wife had even considered buying a bathing suit, so she sought her husband's advice . "What do you think?" she asked . "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied . "You'd never get it all in one . Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
471403	2006-07-16 21:25:00	Why Golf Is Better Than Sex . . . . . #10 . . A below par performance is considered damn good . #9 . . . You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers . #8 . . . It's much easier to find the sweet spot . #7 . . . Foursomes are encouraged . #6 . . . You can still make money doing it as a senior . #5 . . . Three times a day is possible . #4 . . . Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else . #3 . . . If you live in Florida, you can do it almost everyday . #2 . . . You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished . And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex . . #1 . . . If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it!	FoxyMX (5)
471404	2006-07-16 21:32:00	Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday Morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." GRANDMOTHER paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along." :D	smithie 38 (6684)
471405	2006-07-16 21:41:00	A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye . . . . . It reads: SISTERS OF ST . FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought . . . . . . Soon he sees another sign, which says: SISTERS OF ST . FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real . . . . Then he drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST . FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive . . . . On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST . FRANCIS He climbs the steps and rings the bell . . . . The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" . . . . He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business . " . . . . . "Very well, my son . Please follow me . " . . . . The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented . . . . The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, Please knock on this door" . . . . . . . . . . . . . He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door . . . . . This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway" . . . . . . . He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup . . . . . He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him . . . . . . . . As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE . YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST . FRANCIS . SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER	FoxyMX (5)
471406	2006-07-16 22:15:00	A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment they would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. An d when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus" They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."	smithie 38 (6684)
471407	2006-07-16 22:58:00	Well, if I'd known that y'all were going to hijack this thread with golf, religion and thinly disguised sex, I would have started the thread with this: :p A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first man said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first fellow said the he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number 18, and while counting his $80.00, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the parish priest. The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings." The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them." Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
471408	2006-07-16 23:14:00	1 . Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my God! Where the hell am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes . Then go back to bed . If yourroommate asks, say you don't know what he/she is talking about . 2 . Buy a plant . Sleep with it at night . Talk to it . After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly . Then yell, "I can't live in the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door . Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot . Refuse to discuss the plant ever again . 3 . Buy a Jack-in-the-box . Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out . Scream continuously for twenty minutes . 4 . Live in the hallway for a month . Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn . " 5 . Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days . Then get rid of the tarantula . If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here somewhere . " 6 . While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling . When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan . 7 . Punch a hole in the TV Set and watch it anyway, complaining about the poor picture quality . 8 . Collect potatoes . Paint faces on them and give them names . Name one after your roommate . Separate your roommate's potato from the others . Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it . Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong . " 9 . Break the window with a rock . If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot . Open and close the broken window as your normally would . 10 . Move everything to one side of the room . Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern . 11 . When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities . After you hang up, say, "That was your mom . She said she'd call back . " 1 2 . Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing . Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster with two players . " 1 3 . Talk back to your "Rice Krispies . " All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it . Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer" . 1 4 . Scatter stuffed animals around the room . Put party hats on them . Play loud music . When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted . " 1 5 . Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster . Pray to the toaster . Bring it gifts . Throw some of your roommate's possessions out the window . Say that the toaster made you do it . 1 6 . Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time . Constantly complain that your feet hurt . 1 7 . Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer . Put a new bulb in the next day . Complain often about the cost of new lightbulbs . 1 8 . Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so . Take notes . Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus . If Your roommate protests, say, "The people have a right to know!" 1 9 . Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people . Find One that looks like your roommate . Burn it, and explain, "It had to be done . " 20 . Read the phone book out loud and excitedly . ("Frank Johnson! Oh, wow! 837-9494! Holy cow!) 21 . Buy a watermelon . Draw a face on it and give it a name . Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed . If your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window . Make it look like a suicide . Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral . 2 2 . Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize . If he/she protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity . 2 3 . Make cue cards for your roommate . Get them out whenever you'd like to have a conversation . 2 4 . Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation . When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants . Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while eyeing your roommate suspiciously . 2 5 . Keep some worms in a shoebox . When doing homework, go and consult with the worms every so often . Then become angry, shouting at the worms that they're stupid and they don't know what they're talking about . another one 1 . Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat . Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in . If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them . 2 . Get some hair . Disperse it around your roommate`s head while he/she is asleep . Keep a pair of scissors by your bed . Snicker at your roommate every morning . 3 . Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You`re back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes . Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn`t you be going now?" 4 . Trash the room when your roommate`s not around . Then leave and wait for him/her to come home . then act surprised . Say, "Uh–oh, it looks like, they, were here again . " 5 . Every time you see your roommate yell, "You jerk" and kick him/her in the stomach . Then immediately buy him/her some ice cream . 6 . Set your roommate`s bed on fire . Apologize and explain that you`ve been cold lately . 7 . Put your glasses on before you go to bed . Take them off as soon as you wake up . If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses . Complain that you`ve been having terrible nightmares . 8 . Eat lots of "Lucky Charms . " Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet . If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you can`t say anything more, or you`ll have to face the consequences . 9 . Set up meetings with your roommate`s faculty advisor . Inquire about his/her academic potential . Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate a full report . Insist that he/she do the same . 10 . "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning . Explain that you are in training . Eat a dozen donuts every night . 11 . Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you`re going home . Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home . Unpack everything and go to sleep . 1 2 . Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Help! Where the hell am I?!?", then run around the room for a few minutes . Then go back to bed . If your roommate asks, say you don`t know what he/she is talking about . 1 3 . Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm . Make it bigger every day . Look at it and say, "It`s spreading, it`s spreading . " 1 4 . Buy a McDonald`s "Happy Meal" for lunch every day . Eat the straw and the napkin . Throw everything else away . 1 5 . Buy a plant . Sleep with it at night . Talk to it . After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly . Then yell, "I can`t live in the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door . Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot . Refuse to discuss the plant ever again . 1 6 . Buy a Jack–In–The–Box . Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out . Scream continuously for ten minutes . 1 7 . Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room . If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal . 1 8 . Buy some knives . Sharpen them every night . While you`re doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon…" 1 9 . Lock the door while your roommate is out . When he/she comes back and tries to unlock it, yell, "Don`t come in, I`m naked!" Keep this up for several hours . When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take off all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate . 20 . Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus . Give them tours of the room and the building . Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she won`t be here much longer . " 21 . If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head with a rolling pin . Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful little…" 2 2 . Pile dirty dishes in your roommate`s bed . Insist that you don`t know how they got there . 2 3 . Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room . Keep one pencil on the other side of the room . Laugh at the pencil . 2 4 . Feign a serious illness for two weeks . Have a priest come to your room and visit you . Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate . One day, miraculously "recover . " Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you . Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh, are you dying?" 2 5 . Live in the hallway for a month . Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn . " 2 6 . Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days . Then get rid of the tarantula . If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he`s around here somewhere . " 2 7 . Tell your roommate, "I`ve got an important message for you . " Then pretend to faint . When you recover, say you can`t remember what the message was . Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again . Keep this up for several weeks . 2 8 . Bowl inside the room . Set up tournaments with other people in the building . Award someone a trophy . If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes . 2 9 . Walk backwards all the time . Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself . Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery . Start walking backwards again . 30 . While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling . When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan . 31 . Explain to your roommate that you`re going to be housing a prospective student in the near future . One day, bring in a pig . If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that he/she hurt its feelings . Watch T . V with the pig, eating lots of bacon . 3 2 . Make a sandwich . Don`t eat it, leave it on the floor . Ignore the sandwich . Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry . 3 3 . Punch a hole in the T . V . Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the lack of good shows . 3 4 . Wear a cape . Stand in front of an open window for about an hour every day . Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and lie down underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your roommate to return . The next day, start standing in front of the window again . 3 5 . Collect potatoes . Paint faces on them and give them names . Name one after your roommate . Separate your roommate`s potato from the others . Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate`s potato and eat it . Explain to your roommate, "He just didn`t belong . " 3 6 . Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream . Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth . Later on, complain that you feel sick . Continue this process for several weeks . 3 7 . Cover your bed with a tent . Live inside it for a week . If your roommate asks, explain that "It`s a jungle out there . " Get your roommate to bring you food and water . 3 8 . Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room . Look at it with fear for a few days . Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?" 3 9 . Break the window with a rock . If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot . Open and close the broken window as you normally would . 40 . Throw darts at a bare wall . All of a sudden, act excited, telling your roommate that you hit the bull`s eye . 41 . Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I`m sorry . It won`t happen again . " When you see them, start ripping up the flowers . Repeat the process for a few weeks . 4 2 . Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident . Start doing so every so often . Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him "Clyde" all the time . If your roommate protests, say, "I`m sorry, Elmer . Repeat process with Elmer . 4 3 . Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping . 4 4 . Practice needlepoint every night . At one point, grab your thumb and scream, "Owwwwwwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to bed . Sob and sniff all night . 4 5 . When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities . After you hang up, say, "That was your mom . She said she`d call back . " 4 6 . Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed . When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you can come out now . " 4 7 . Start wearing a crown, all the time . If your roommate tells you to do anything,tell him/her you are the ruler . 4 8 . Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing . Finally stand up & yell,"I Lost!" 4 9 . Talk back to your "Rice Krispies . " All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it . Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer . " 50 . Change the locks on the door . Don`t let your roommate in unless he/she says the secret word . Change the secret word often . If your roommate can`t guess the secret word, make him/her pay a fine . 51 . Scatter stuffed animals around the room . Put party hats on them . Play loud music . When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted . " 5 2 . Hang a tire swing from the ceiling . Act like a monkey . If someone besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that the tire swing was your roommate`s idea . When you and your roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey . 5 3 . Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster . Pray to the toaster . Bring it gifts . Throw some of your roommate`s possessions out the window . Say that the toaster made you do it . 5 4 . Challenge your roommate to a duel . If he refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his side of the room . Insist that he remove all of his possessions immediately . 5 5 . Sign your roommate up for various activities . (Campus tour guide, etc . ) 5 6 . Start dressing like an Indian . If your roommate inquires, claim that you are getting in touch with your Native–American roots . If your roommate accuses you of not having any Native–American roots, claim that he/she has offended your people and put a curse on your roommate . 5 7 . Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time . Constantly complain that your feet hurt . 5 8 . Hit your roommate on the head with a brick . Claim that you were trying to kill a mosquito . 5 9 . Steal something valuable of your roommate`s . If he/she asks about it, tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans . Give some beans to your roommate . 60 . Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer . Put a new bulb in the next day . Complain often about the cost of light bulbs . 61 . Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then stopping . Play the tape in your room . Right before the hammering stops on the videotape, look at the screen and say, "Don`t do that . " 6 2 . Buy a lamp . Tell your roommate it`s a magic lamp, with a genie inside it . Spend a week thinking about what to wish for . At the end of the week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp . Blame your roommate . 6 3 . Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so . Then insist you need to show him/her the proper way & brush their teeth . 6 4 . Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people . Find one that looks like your roommate . Burn it, and explain, "It had to be done . " 6 5 . Read the phone book out loud and excitedly . ("Frank Johnson! Oh, wow! 6 6 . –4795! Holy cow!") 6 7 . Shadow box several times a day . One day, walk in looking depressed . If your roommate asks what`s wrong, explain that your shadow can`t box with you anymore due to an injury . Ask your roommate if you can box with his/her shadow . 6 8 . Ask your roommate about their medical plan . If they ask why you are asking just say, "Accidents happen . " Make it obvious that you are trying to cover up your laughter . 6 9 . Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing . Offer a reward for his/her safe return . 70 . Buy a watermelon . Draw a face on it and give it a name . Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed . If your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window . Make it look like a suicide . Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral . 71 . Draw a chalk outline on the floor . When your roommate comes in, say, "Don`t worry . It`s not what you think . " If he/she asks about it again, immediately change the subject . 7 2 . Tell other people in your building that your roommate is goind to be "going on a trip" shortly . Don`t tell them where or when . If people ask your roommate where he/she is going, cut in and say "Oh…that has been canceled . " 7 3 . Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons . Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it . Hold your head and grumble, "I`ll get that pesky road runner… . " 7 4 . Leave memos on your roommate`s bed that say things like, "I know what you did," and "Don`t think you can fool me . " Sign them in blood . 7 5 . Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize . If he/she protests, tell him/her that it`s all for charity . 7 6 . Make cue cards for your roommate . Get them out whenever you`d like to have a conversation . 7 7 . Talk like a pirate, all the time . Threaten to make your roommate walk the plank if he/she doesn`t swab the deck . 7 8 . Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation . When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants . Whisper to them, "We`ll continue this later," while eyeing your roommate suspiciously . 7 9 . Buy a telescope . Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope . When you`re not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see . 80 . Offer your roommate some of your most valuable possesions . If they ask about your generosity, say nothing but "I won`t need it where I`m going . " If they take anything wait a week and insist they give it back . If they want to know why say "I was left behind", and crawl into bed crying . 81 . Watch "Psycho" every day for a month . Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower . 8 2 . Wear a paper hat . Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your… Oh, it`s just you . " Take off the hat, sit, and pout . 8 3 . Go through your roommate`s textbooks with a red pen, changing things and making random corrections . If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just couldn`t take it anymore . 8 4 . Tell your roommate that you "just want to be friends", and that you can no longer take their advances . Wait an hour and ask them to join you in the shower . 8 5 . Hang a horseshoe above the door . Make up stories about having had good luck . Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages . When you see your roommate, look above the door where the horseshoe used to be, hold your head, and mutter, "Stupid horseshoe… . " 8 6 . Buy frozen meals and leave them under a lamp on your desk . If your roommate warns you that the meals will go bad simply say, "I know what I`m doing . " While your roommate is out empty the meal containers such that it looks like you`ve eaten them . When your roommate return pretend to be violently ill . Do this twice a week . 8 7 . As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can . When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused . 8 8 . Hang a basketball net on the wall . Challenge your refrigerator to basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate . Do so for about a month . Confide in your roommate that you think the refrigerator is plotting against you . 8 9 . Drink lots of lemonade . Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you love lemonade . Then, one day, paint your face yellow . From then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade . 90 . Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the good old days, when we used to…" and make up stories involving you and your roommate . 91 . Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about half an hour . Come out looking dazed and act terrified of your roommate, keeping a good distance . 9 2 . Sit and stare at your roommate for hours . Bring others in to join you . Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate . Then say, "Boy, these zoos just aren`t what they used to be . " 9 3 . Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there`s going to be a murder in the room . 9 4 . Buy a gun . Clean it every day . One day, put a band–aid on your forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again . 9 5 . Buy a lobster . Pretend to play cards with it . Complain to your roommate you think the lobster has a marked deck . 9 6 . Make pancakes every morning, but don`t eat them . Draw faces on them, and toss them in the closet . Watch them for several hours each day . Complain to your roommate that your "pancake farm" isn`t evolving into a self–sufficient community . Confide in your roommate that you think the king of the pancakes has been taking bribes . 9 7 . While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself . Start a garbage can fire in the middle of the room . Toss the iron inside . If your roommate objects, explain that you are just trying to get even . 9 8 . Buy some turtles . Paint numbers on their backs . Race them down the hall . 9 9 . Hide small containers of milk in your roommate`s half of the room . After they begin to smell complain to your roommate about the odor . If your roommate finds them and claim that they aren`t theirs, acknowledge that you put them there, but tell them "They were on your half of the room . You should be more responsible . " 100 . . Put out a plate of cookies at night . Tell your roommate that they`re for the Sandman . Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your roommate is asleep . The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of the cookies . If he/she tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the Sandman`s teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact, not the Sandman`s teeth marks . 101 . . If your roommate has a pet, offer to feed their pet for them . Start taking bottles of glue and white out from your desk before your roommate can answer .	techiekid (7219)
471409	2006-07-16 23:25:00	45 fun things to do on a paper you don't care about 1. Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big fonts with really small fonts. 2. Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual. 3. Write the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it in by sticking them all over the professor's door. 4. Switch the names of prominent history figures with the names of your friends, classmates, etc. Claim that your roommate led the Spanish Armada. 5. Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn't. Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas. 6. Write your paper by cutting out words from magazines and sticking them on the page, ransom-note style. 7. End the paper with "This paper will self-destruct in 10 seconds". 8. Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to keep your dog from eating it. 9. If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you can't do the paper because you're not sure if the class really exists, or if it and the professor are just illusions created by your subconscious. If you do end up writing the paper, write about whether or not the paper actually exists. 10. If assigned a 2000-word paper, draw two pictures of what the paper was supposed to be about. After all, a picture is worth 1000 words, right? 1 1. Type gibberish. When you hand it in, claim that your computer crashed while you were printing it, and you couldn't retrieve the original. 1 2. Cite issues of Spiderman and Batman as resources in your bibliography. 1 3. Turn the paper in by making paper airplanes out of the pages of the paper and attempting to fly them onto the professor's desk. 1 4. The night before the paper is due, call the professor and explain that you can't turn your paper in because it contains sensitive military information and is only available on a "need to know" basis. Insist that General Schwarzkopf says you should get an 'A'. 1 5. Write your history paper on parchment, using a quill. Say that you were trying to get the feel for the period. 1 6. Turn in a letter your wrote to your cousin. When the teacher confronts you about it, say that you must have gotten the letter and the paper mixed up. Say that you'll turn the paper in as soon as you get it back, but your cousin lives in Siberia, so it might take a while. (This is a nifty way to get an extension.) 1 7. When writing an especially long paper, put a recipe for chocolate cake in the middle and see if the professor notices. 1 8. Tell the professor that you need an extension because one of your primary sources is an old wise man in Tibet and he won't see you until the next full moon. 1 9. Paint a large white stripe down the front of your paper. Say that on the way to class, your dropped it in the street and it got run over by one of those trucks that paint lines on the road. 20. Make a footprint on the back of one of the pages. When questioned by the professor, act like it's nothing unusual. After all, he did tell you to include footnotes. 2 1. Bring candles and incense to class. Before handing in the paper, perform an elaborate ceremony, entreating the gods to bless the paper and correct all your typos. 2 2. Make a tape of you singing the contents of your paper, opera-style, and hand that in. 2 3. Write your psychology paper on possible genetic anomalies that might cause a person to prefer anchovies. 2 4. Hand your paper in in a sealed envelope with postmarks from several different countries on it. Say that you wanted several different perspectives on your work. 2 5. TTyyppee eevveerryy lleetttteerr ttwwiiccee.. 2 6. Get a large piece of paper or canvas. Smear paint all over it and hand it in as your paper. Explain that the topic was such an emotional one for you, and that mere words couldn't possibly express what you had to say. 2 7. Compare and contrast the characters of James T. Kirk and Jean-Luc Picard. Claim that one is actually Hamlet, and the other is King Lear. Say that Worf is Ophelia. 2 8. Carve your paper on the bathroom wall. 2 9. Refuse to do the paper on account of the fact that you are a member of Greenpeace and strongly object to the gratuitous slaughter of trees caused by the massive amount of paper used in writing assignments. 30. Put nonsense words down as quotes. Say that you are quoting the words of a well-known Zen master who was speaking in tongues at the time. 3 1. Use a forklift to bring your paper to class, even if it's only a few pages. Explain that it involved some very heavy reading. 3 2. Poke several holes in the paper. Say that you were mobbed by crows on the way to class. 3 3. Print all the pages on one sheet of paper, with the text overlapping. Say that that was all the paper you had. 3 4. Write about whether Plato would have said that Miller Light is "less filling" or that it "tastes great". Also explain why Aristotle would have taken the opposite view. Try to predict both philosphers' reactions to Spuds McKensie. 3 5. Draw pictures of your professor in the margins. 3 6. Make your paper one long, neverending sentence that goes on for pages and pages and pages; use alot of semi-colons, commas, and other interesting, rarely-used punctuation marks [(for example), an interesting one: the colon_] but never ever end the sentence {[_-\|/??!]}. 3 7. Staple a picture of an academic building to the paper. Cite the picture as a resource. 3 8. On the day the paper is due, skip into class, waving the paper and screaming, "I have a paper! I have a paper!". Run around the class a few times, then joyfully throw it out the window. Laugh and yell, "There's my paper!", then run outside to get it. Repeat this all through the period, or until the prof throws you out. 3 9. Come to class leading a horse or camel. When asked to turn in the paper, take it out of one of the saddlebags, then shoot the horse/camel/whatever away. Refuse to discuss it. 40. Draw obscure connections between totally unrelated things. For example, claim that abnormal amounts of neutrino activity in Germany caused Hitler to invade France, or that the Roman empire collapsed because of a shortage of qualified botanists. 4 1. Refer to all prominant historical figures by nicknames. For example, call George Washington "Georgie". Call Ben Franklin "Sparky". 4 2. Pwetend you have a speech impediment and awways type w's whenevew you weawwy want to type r's ow l's. 4 3. Ol, switch alound arr the l's and r's in youl papel, rike Monty Python did in Queen Erizabeth the Thild. 4 4. When your prof asks for an outline of your paper, draw the outline of the piece of paper you typed it on and hand it in. 4 5. Spill a martini on your sociology paper. Say that you wrote it in a bar so that you could see "sociology in action".	techiekid (7219)
471410	2006-07-17 00:34:00	I think you're lacking a title with you posting Techiekid, along the lines of "How to get rid of your roommate". BTW, got bored after the first dozen or so...	user (1404)
471411	2006-07-17 01:48:00	Hmmm, the youth of today. What happened to having fun... like blowing up the budgie or something? I kind of think any of those tricks would get you locked up in a warm safe place :)	Shortcircuit (1666)
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