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Thread ID: 71004	2006-07-23 20:16:00	Monday Laughs: Of Lists......and Laws	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
472992	2006-07-23 20:16:00	ZEN FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY 1 . Save the whales . Collect the whole set . 2 . A day without sunshine is, like, night . 3 . On the other hand, you have different fingers . . 4 . I just got lost in thought, it wasn't familiar territory . 5 . 42 . 7% of all statistics are made up on the spot . 6 . Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright, until you hear them speak . 7 . I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe . 8 . Honk if you love peace and quiet . 9 . Remember, half the people you know are below average . 10 . He who laughs last, thinks slowest . 11 . Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm . 12 . The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese . 13 . I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol . 14 . Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have . 15 . Monday is an awful way to spend the first 15% of your week . 16 . A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory . 17 . Change is inevitable, except from vending machines . 18 . Get a new car for your spouse, it'll be a great trade! 19 . Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow . 20 . Always try to be modest, and be proud of it! 21 . If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments . 22 . How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand . 23 . Ok, . . . . so what's the speed of dark? 24 . How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 25 . If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something . 26 . When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane . 27 . Hard work may pay off in the future; laziness pays off now . 28 . Everyone has a photographic memory; some just do not have film . 29 . If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 30 . How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 31 . Eagles may soar, but weasels do not get sucked into jet engines . 32 . What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 33 . I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out . 34 . I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder . 35 . Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 36 . Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened . IMMUTABLE LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE . . . Law of Mechanical Repair: Immediately after your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch . Laws of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner . The chances for recovery of a dropped component are inversely proportional to its replaceability . Law of the Telephone: When dialling international, wrong numbers are never busy . Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire . Law of Peverse Opposition: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now . Baths Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring . Law of Close Encounters: The probability of crossing paths with someone you would rather not meet increases when you are with someone with whom you don't want to be seen . Law of the Obverse Result: When trying to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will . Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach . Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last . Coffee's Law: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold . Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers . Law of Rugs and Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly proportional to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug . Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are . Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about . Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly . Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet . Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
472993	2006-07-23 21:06:00	ROTFL. (Rolling on the floor laughing)	JJJJJ (528)
472994	2006-07-23 21:42:00	Here's some more, very old wise Chinese proverbs . . . . "Ancient Chinese Proverbs" Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone . Man who run in front of car get tired . Man who run behind car get exhausted . Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day . Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ . Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok . Man with one chopstick go hungry . Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails . Man who eat many prunes get good run for money . Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk . Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth . War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left . Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house . Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night . It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it . Man who drive like hell, bound to get there . Man who stand on toilet is high on pot . Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement . Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs . Man who fart in church sit in own pew . Crowded elevator smell different to midget :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Funny as they are, some are all to true	Nyuuji (5460)
472995	2006-07-23 22:18:00	A description really won't do this call justice . So just listen as, over eight minutes, an insane cat lady calls a telemarketer a terrorist, a rapist, an Iraqi insurgent, a murderer, a serial killer, a criminal, a sexual abuser, a hater, hurter and life deserter . And that's just twenty seconds of the phone call . She also claims to have had an appendix rupture due to telemarketing calls and that she can produce an incriminating list of hundreds of people who have been murdered by telemarketers . That's another ten seconds . Hehehehe Linky here ( . ytmnd . com/content/0/4/d/04d4e0808f335189402ce48b8e0ffcf8 . mp3" target="_blank">content . ytmnd . com)	bob_doe_nz (92)
472996	2006-07-23 22:44:00	LOL what a psycho lady!!! :D	roddy_boy (4115)
472997	2006-07-23 23:31:00	For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity . . . A few statements to ponder: 1 . Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things . 2 . One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor . 3 . Atheism is a non-prophet organization . 4 . If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 5 . The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live . 6 . I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose . 7 . Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts, but as mattresses? 8 . If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 9 . If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still wrong? 10 . If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 11 . Is there another word for synonym? 12 . Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?" 13 . Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" 14 . What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? 15 . If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 16 . Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 17 . Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? 18 . If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 19 . Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 20 . Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 21 . If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 22 . Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? 23 . How do blind people know when they are done wiping? 24 . How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? 25 . Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? 26 . What was the best thing before sliced bread? 27 . One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people . 28 . To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it . 29 . Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups . 30 . The older you get, the better you realize you were . 31 . Age is a very high price to pay for maturity . 32 . Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday . 33 . Women like silent men, they think they're listening . 34 . Men are from Earth, women are from Earth . Deal with it . 35 . Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day . Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day . 36 . Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays? 37 . Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? 38 . Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 39 . If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 40 . If God dropped acid, would he see people? 41 . If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? 42 . If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? 43 . If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? 44 . If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? 45 . If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 46 . Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them	FoxyMX (5)
472998	2006-07-24 00:04:00	***These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services.*** - Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the St. Martin's Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. - The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals. - The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus." - Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. - Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands. - The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict. - Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. - Don't let worry kill you off, let the church help. - Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. - For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. - Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. - Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Father Jack's sermons. - The Priest will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy." - Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. - A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. - At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell"? Come early and listen to our choir practice. - Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. - Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. - Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. - The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. - Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 p.m. Prayer and medication to follow. - The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. - This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. - Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 a.m. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. - The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. - Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door. - The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. - The Priest unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge, Up Yours!"	smithie 38 (6684)
472999	2006-07-24 01:07:00	10 LAWS OF COMPUTING 1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen. 2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete. 3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it. 4. When the going gets tough, upgrade. 5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction. 6. To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural. 7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up. 8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions. 9. A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine. 10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.	johcar (6283)
473000	2006-07-24 01:46:00	6 . To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural . To err is human, but to really screw things up requires a computer!!	roddy_boy (4115)
473001	2006-07-24 03:23:00	Wedding Night A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where They were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife Asked, "Ewww what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. "Why are your feet so gross?" "I had tolio as a child," he answered. "You mean polio?" she asked. No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes." The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose. "What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!" "As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. "You mean measles?" she asked. "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees." The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. "Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess........... "Smallcox?"	KiwiTT_NZ (233)
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