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Thread ID: 71238	2006-07-30 22:25:00	Monday Laughs: By fortuitous coincidence.......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
474872	2006-07-30 22:25:00	A chicken farmer goes into a local tavern, takes a seat at the bar next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne . The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" He turns to her and says, "What a coincidence . This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating . " "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman . "What a coincidence," says the man . They clink glasses and he asks, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying for years to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I`m pregnant . " "What a coincidence," says the man . "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile . " "That's great," says the woman . "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched cocks," he replies . "What a coincidence," she said . A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday . She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results . On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper . Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply . "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily . A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question . The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29 . " The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50 . " Now she's feeling really good about herself . She stops in a drug store on her way down the street . She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question . The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30 . " Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!" While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question . He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going . However, when I was young, I had a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was . It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra . Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are . " They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her . She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead . " He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully . He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple . He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other . After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay . . . . . So how old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50 . " Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?" "I promise I won't . " she says . "I was behind you in line at McDonald's . " Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
474873	2006-08-01 11:48:00	Since everybody seems to be short of a joke to share this week, here's another to keep you going: Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning . The 87 year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath . The 80 year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy . "Well", said the 87 year-old . "It's quite simple really, I eat Italian bread every day . It keeps your energy level high and gives you great stamina with the ladies as well . " The 80 year-old was mightily impressed by this, so on the way home he stopped off at the bakery . As he was looking around, the counter lady asked if he needed any help, so he asked, "Do you have any Italian bread?" "Yes", she replied, "there's a whole shelf of it . Would you like some?" "Yes", he said, "I want 5 loaves . " "My goodness, 5 loaves?" said the shop lady, "don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it will have gone hard?" "I can't believe this!", the 80 year-old exclaimed . "Everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but me . " Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
474874	2006-08-01 12:35:00	lol. Damn, I used to know some funny as ones...	Cornot (10386)
474875	2006-08-01 12:36:00	lol. Damn, I used to know some funny as ones... Here's one: Q: What can a goose do, that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do? A: Stick his bill up his ass.	Cornot (10386)
474876	2006-08-01 17:18:00	Hmmmm... Seems like time to say I got some extra chuckles from "fortuitous coincidence." Admittedly, this doppelganger synonym isn't technically a hyponym. But its tautological redundancy could well make it a pleonasm. Unless you deliberately chose hyperbole as rhetorical repetition, that is? Or maybe you're just one of the many who thinks fortuitous means fortunate - instead of accidentally or by chance? ( Coincidentally, coincidentally means that, too...) And if so, there'll be plenty of time in Detention to write out the meanings of the assorted figures of speech above.	Laura (43)
474877	2006-08-01 22:14:00	All v. good. I hope you don't think because people don't pitch in your post's aren't appreciatted. I wouldn't have posted this if I hadn't have thought it wasn't the case. :D	mark c (247)
474878	2006-08-01 22:46:00	A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience... Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live. Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied: "I didn't recognize you."	FoxyMX (5)
474879	2006-08-01 22:49:00	Not exactly a joke but still something to share . . . GREAT RACE TO THE RUNWAY!! Here ( . imagef1 . net . nz/files/image00111 . jpg" target="_blank">www . imagef1 . net . nz) is a great optical illusion photo taken of a Lufthansa 747-400 and a United 757-200 that were on simultaneous approaches to runways 28L and 28R at San Francisco (SFO) . The separation requirement for flying parallel and simultaneous approaches is 225 meters (about 750 feet) . These two aircraft are at a safe distance for the approaches they are each flying . Due to the 747 being three times larger than the 757, and being slightly behind, it gives this incredible optical illusion .	FoxyMX (5)
474880	2006-08-02 01:42:00	Two women were playing golf . One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole . The ball hit one of the men . He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony . The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize . "Please allow me to help . I'm a physio therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him . "Oh, no, I'll be all right . I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied . He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin . At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help . She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,loosened his pants and put her hands inside . She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?" He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell . " ;)	smithie 38 (6684)
474881	2006-08-02 02:24:00	Moggy the cat has a long and happy life and finally passes on and arrives at the pearly gates. St Peter syas "you have been a good cat and have served well. Is there anything particular you would like to enjoy eternity?" Cat thinks for a bit and says, " Well no not really just a nice place to doze and enough food will do fine." So the cat enters and enjoys. Next a whole bunch of mice turn up at the gates. St Peter says "You have been good mice all your life and what would you like to enjoy yourself here?" The mice think for a bit and then say, "Well it all looks pretty good but one thing we get sick of is almost getting stepped on all the time so roller skates would be nice so we can whizz around and get out of the way." "All done." says St Peter. Couple of weeks later he's doing the rounds and comes acroos the cat curled up contentedly sprawled on a rug. "How's it all going? Everything to you likig?" he asks. "Really good," says the cat, " And I really appreciatte the meals on wheels."	mark c (247)
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