Forum Home
PC World Chat
Thread ID: 143405	2016-12-31 02:18:00	Last Laughs for 2016...With Trump holding the nuclear keys, it might be terminal!!!	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1430330	2016-12-31 02:18:00	. . There were four farm cadets who were in the final stages of interviewing for a job. The interviewer told them that he would ask each of them the same question, and whoever answered the question the best would be the one hired. All applicants agreed that this was fair, so the recruitment interviewer asked the first cadet the question, “What is the fastest thing in the world?” The young man thought for a moment and replied, “That would have to be a thought.” “Why do you say that?” asked the interviewer. “Well, a thought takes no time at all…...it is in your mind in an instant, then it's gone again.” “Ahh, very good, thank you,” replied the interviewer. Next the same question was posed to the next cadet, “What is the fastest thing in the world?” The young man paused and replied, “That would have to be a blink.” “Why?” asked the interviewer. “Because you don’t even think about a blink, it’s just a reflex. You do it in an instant.” The third young man was asked what the fastest thing in the world was, and after hesitating for a brief moment, he replied, “I would have to say electricity. Why? Because my dad can flip a switch at the house, and immediately the light will go on down at the cowshed.” “I see, very good,” replied the interviewer. Then, the last young man was asked, “What is the fastest thing in the world?” “That’s easy…” he replied, “that would have to be diarrhoea!” Rather stunned, the interviewer asked, “Why do you say that?” “Well, last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed then suddenly I got the worst stomach cramps ever! Next thing I knew, and before I could think, blink, or turn on the lights, I'd shat myself!!!!!” ********************************* Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up early on New Years Day, roll out of bed, and without an argument, go directly to the golf course to meet his fellow golfers and play a round. His buddies all chimed in said, " Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and we'll meet here early Christmas morning. " Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course: The first guy says, " Man, this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off. " The second guy says, " I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the Cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures. " The third guy says " Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual. " They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. " I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game! " he exclaimed. " I just slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Happy New Year, it's a great morning ---- intercourse or golf course...?' " " She said, 'Don’t forget your sweater!' " ********************************* A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters, from the BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 5 metre man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.' The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash, everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head-butts and choke-holds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell… Finally Colin suffocated the croc and let it float to the surface like a dead goldfish. He then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars. " " Nah, you're all right boss, I don't want it " said Colin. The rich man said, " Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then? " " No thanks... I don't want it, " answered Colin. The host said, " Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options? " Again, Colin said " No. " Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want me to do for you? " Colin said, " I want you to tell me the name of the bastard who pushed me in. " ********************************* Barry, the Kiwi builder, was going through a house he had just built, with the woman who owned it. She was telling him what colours to paint each room. They went into the first room and she said, " This room to be a light blue. " The builder went to to the front door and yelled out " Green side up! " As he went back she said the next room was to be red. The builder again went to the front door and called out " Green side up! " Once back with her, she said " This one to be tan. " And again he went to the front door and yelled " Green side up! " The lady, very curious, said " I keep telling you different colours but, you always yell " Green side up " , " What do you say that for? " " Oh, don't you worry about that, " said the builder. " I've got a couple of Aussies laying turf out front, and they've never seen green grass before. " ********************************* Now for an educational interlude to improve your general knowledge for the coming year: Did You Know That............ If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) ------------------------------ If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough methane gas would be produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb, and enough floating effluvium* to suffocate any survivors. (Now that's more like it!) * Go look it up... ------------------------------ When it pumps out to the body, the human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!) ------------------------------ A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.) ------------------------------ A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.) ------------------------------ Banging your head against a wall burns 150 calories an hour. (Don't try this at home; maybe at work.) ------------------------------ The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.. (Hi Honey, I'm home.... What the...?) ------------------------------ The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (Thirty minutes? Lucky pig! Can you imagine?) ------------------------------ The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be that tasty on the bottom of a pond?) ------------------------------ Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.) ------------------------------ Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) ------------------------------ The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......) ------------------------------ Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) ------------------------------ Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.) ------------------------------ A cat's urine glows under a UV light. (I wonder how much our government paid to figure that out.) ------------------------------ An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) ------------------------------ Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.) ------------------------------ Polar bears are left-handed (pawed?). (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.) ------------------------------ Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?) ------------------------------ Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, and maybe even a chuckle.. In other words, send it to everyone! (and God love that pig!) Cheers, and all the best for 2017 :thumbs: Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1430331	2016-12-31 03:13:00	Thanks Billy, and a happy New Year to you and the family. Thanks too for all the humour you brought into Mondays for us.	Richard (739)
1430332	2016-12-31 03:49:00	+1 Wishing you and yours all the very best for 2017	smithie 38 (6684)
1430333	2016-12-31 03:50:00	Thanks for a good year of humour. I always looked forward to Mondays. I hope that you had a good Chrissy. All the best for a happy New Year. I hope it's another good one. Looking forward to more Monday laughs in the New Year.	Roscoe (6288)
1430334	2016-12-31 03:53:00	The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.. That isn't actually true. It can continue if the female starts eats it, but it sure isn't a requirement. Liked the grass joke......	pctek (84)
1430335	2016-12-31 05:31:00	Thanks Billy	gary67 (56)
1430336	2016-12-31 08:11:00	I hope that 2017 treats you and yours well Billy.	CliveM (6007)
1430337	2016-12-31 09:04:00	Thanks Billy for the laughs, and the bestest of best wishes to everyone for the New Year. Does anyone know the address of that pig so I can ask it the secret? Cheers :)	WalOne (4202)
1430338	2017-01-01 03:01:00	Happy New Year Billy, keep up the good work.	Whenu (9358)
1430339	2017-01-01 05:35:00	Thanks Billy, and a happy New Year to you and the family. Thanks too for all the humour you brought into Mondays for us. From here, also. Laughter is good for the health.	Marnie (4574)
1 2