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Thread ID: 71696	2006-08-13 23:56:00	Monday Laughs: Let's hear it for Doctors.......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
478288	2006-08-13 23:56:00	I recently picked a new primary healthcare physician, and after two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well for my age" . A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him: "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" In response, he asked, "well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?" "Oh no," I replied . "I'm not doing either . " Then he asked: "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbequed ribs?" I said, "no, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!" "Well" he asked, "do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said . He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said . "I don't do any of those things . " He looked at me and said: "Then why do you give a damn if you live to be 80 or not?" --------------------------------------------------------- A woman went to the local Medical Centre where she was seen by one of the younger doctors . After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out of the room screaming and ran down the hall . An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and when she calmed down, she told him her story . After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room . He then marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard . "What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded . "Mrs . Reid is 69 years old, has four grown children, seven grandchildren and four great-grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?" The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "But does she still have the hiccups?" ---------------------------------------------------------- A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger . His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something . The boy continues . "Johnny!" mum screams . "Knock it off . You're going to break something . " He stops and eventually mum leaves for a short trip to the store . Johnny starts up with the balloon again . He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet . Mum comes in from the store and while putting away the grocery gets the urge . A diarrhea run . She barely makes it to the toilet in time, then SPLOOOOSH, out it comes . When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing . There's sh*t sprayed all around the bowl, and in the middle is this huge brown lump . She's not sure what this strange-looking lump is, and she is a bit worried so she calls her doctor . The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll come over shortly to examine everything . When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing . Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of prods it to see what it might be, then POP! (or is that POOP?) the balloon explodes and the sh*t is everywhere . On him, the walls, the ceiling, the floor etc . "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks . He replies, "yes, I think so, but I've been in medical practice for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually SEEN a fart!" Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
478289	2006-08-14 00:40:00	Rental Dispute A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500.00. So they spent the night together. In the morning, before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment." On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a cheque for $250.00 and enclosed a note: ********************** Dear Madam: Enclosed find a cheque in the amount of $250.00 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that: 1. It had never been occupied. 2. There was plenty of heat. 3. It was small enough to make me cosy and at home. Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large. ************************ Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply.... **************************** Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord. I will expect full payment due immediately or I will be forced to hire someone to remove your furniture.	KiwiTT_NZ (233)
478290	2006-08-14 08:43:00	A GP is giving a patient a Smear test. The Doctor goes, "Thats the biggest I've ever seen, thats the biggest I've ever seen" The patient replies, "You dont have to say it twice you know" The doctor replies, "I didn't"	bob_doe_nz (92)
478291	2006-08-15 08:57:00	Nobody got any doctor jokes again huh? Or are you just hoarding! Here's another one for you . . . . . . . . . . . well, sort-of . . . A bloke out on the golf course gets hit in the crotch by a wayward drive . Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground . As soon as he could breath again, he took himself straight to the doctor . He said "How bad is it doc? . . . I'm going on my honeymoon next week . " The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight . It should be okay next week . " He took four wooden tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together - an impressive work of art . The guy mentions none of this to his girl, they marry and off they go on their honeymoon . That night in the hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts . She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these . " He immediately drops his pants and replies, "Well, look at this, still in its CRATE!" Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
478292	2006-08-15 23:00:00	A lesbian goes to the gynaecologist for the first time. During the examination the gynaecologist says to her "you know this is quite cleanest looking vagina I have ever seen." "Yes" says the patient, "I have a woman come in twice a week."	theother1 (3573)
478293	2006-08-16 15:52:00	A fellow is standing in front of his doctor's desk when the doc asks: "What can I do for you"? "Well", he states, "I have a very serious problem with silent, gasseous emissions, and I need some help . " "Do tell me about your problem" says the doc . "OK; on the way to your office this morning, I rode a bus and had 4 silent, gasseous emissions . In the elevator to your office on the ninth floor, I had 2 more silent, gasseous emissions . While waiting in your outer room, I had 5 or 6 more silent, gasseous emissions . " "As a matter of fact, since I've been standing here, I've had 2 more silent, gasseous emissions . " "What can you do for me?" The doctor said: "Well, first thing we're gonna get your hearing tested" . <I might've posted this one before . . sorry if I did>	SurferJoe46 (51)
478294	2006-08-16 20:41:00	Disorder in the Court These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place . ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there . ________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th . ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year . _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks . ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes . ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget . ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which . ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years . _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan . ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do . ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do . ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo . ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one . ________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Would you repeat the question? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes . ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh . . . . ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes . ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None . ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death . ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard . ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work . ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people . ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral . ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p . m . ATTORNEY: And Mr . Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh? ____________________________________________ And the best for last ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No . ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No . ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No . ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No . ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar . ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law .	Cicero (40)
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