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Thread ID: 71888	2006-08-20 20:18:00	Monday Laughs: Old age & deviousness beats youth and beauty........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
479734	2006-08-20 20:18:00	An older, white haired man walked into a jewellry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side . He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend . The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him . The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special . " At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over . "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweller said . The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement . Seeing this, the old man said "We'll take it . " The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by cheque" . "I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said . Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man and said "There's no money in that account . " "I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?" The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man standing there . His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy . "Can I help you?" the madam asked . "I want Natalie," the old man replied . "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else . . . . . . " "No, I must see Natalie . " Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit . The man never blinked, just reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills . The two went up to a room for an hour after which the man calmly left . The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie . Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts, it was still $1,000 . Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later . When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it . Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went . At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row . . . where are you from?" The old man replied, "I am from Miami . " "Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there . " "Yes, I know," said the old man . "She gave me $3,000 to give to you . " Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
479735	2006-08-20 23:03:00	A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park . As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway . The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away . He put the beast out and headed home . Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home . At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there . Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"	FoxyMX (5)
479736	2006-08-21 04:43:00	A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park . As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway . The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away . He put the beast out and headed home . Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home . At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there . Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!" LOL :D	stu161204 (123)
479737	2006-08-21 09:36:00	Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition . This year's {2005} winners are: 1 . Cashtration (n . ): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time . 2 . Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ******* . 3 Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with . 4 . Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly . 5 . Bozone (n . ): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating . The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future . 6 . Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpos e of getting laid . 7 . Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high 8 . Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it . 9 . Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late . 10 . Hipatitis: Terminal coolness . 11 . Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease . (This one got extra credit . ) 12 . Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer . 13 . Decafalon (n . ): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you 14 . Glibido: All talk and no action . 15 . Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly . 16 . Arachnoleptic fit (n . ): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web . 17 . Beelzebug (n . ): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out . 18 . Caterpallor (n . ): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating . The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words . And the winners are: 1 . coffee, n . the person upon whom one coughs . 2 . flabbergasted, adj . appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained . 3 abdicate, v . to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach . 4 . esplanade, v . to attempt an explanation while drunk . 5 . willy-nilly, adj . impotent . 6 . negligent, adj . absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown . 7 . lymph, v . to walk with a lisp . 8 . gargoyle, n . olive-flavored mouthwash . 9 flatulence, n . emergency ve hicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller . 10 . balderdash, n . a rapidly receding hairline . 11 . testicle, n . a humorous question on an exam . 12 . rectitude, n . the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists . 13 . pokemon, n . a Rastafarian proctologist . 14 . oyster, n . a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms . 15 . Frisbeetarianism, n . the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there . 16 . circumvent, n . an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men .	Cicero (40)
479738	2006-08-24 03:46:00	The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10 This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE The bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is....being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life... Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer	mark c (247)
479739	2006-08-24 04:35:00	MY WIFE, WHO IS BLONDE, CAME RUNNING UP TO ME IN THE DRIVEWAY, THE OTHER DAY, JUST JUMPING FOR JOY! I DIDN'T KNOW WHY SHE WAS JUMPING FOR JOY BUT I THOUGHT, WHAT THE HECK AND I STARTING JUMPING UP AND DOWN ALONG WITH HER . SHE SAID, "HONEY, I HAVE SOME REALLY GREAT NEWS FOR YOU!" I SAID, "GREAT . TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE SO HAPPY ABOUT . " SHE STOPPED JUMPING AND WAS BREATHING HEAVILY FROM ALL THE JUMPING UP AND DOWN, WHEN SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE WAS PREGNANT! I WAS ECSTATIC! WE HAD BEEN TRYING FOR A WHILE, SO I GRABBED HER AND KISSED HER ON THE LIPS AND TOLD HER, "THAT'S GREAT! I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER!" THEN, SHE SAID "OH, HONEY, THERE'S MORE . " I ASKED, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'MORE'?" SHE SAID, "WELL, WE ARE NOT HAVING JUST ONE BABY . WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TWINS!" AMAZED AT HOW SHE COULD KNOW SO SOON AFTER GETTING PREGNANT, SO I ASKED HER HOW SHE KNEW . (you're going to love this part) (really) > > > > > > > > SHE SAID, "WELL, THAT WAS THE EASY PART . I WENT TO PAC-N-SAVE AND BOUGHT THE TWIN-PACK HOME PREGNANCY TEST KIT, AND BOTH TESTS CAME OUT POSITIVE!" :D	smithie 38 (6684)
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