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Thread ID: 72060	2006-08-28 00:09:00	Monday Laughs: On godliness.....and related themes...	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
481042	2006-08-28 00:09:00	The Old Cowboy One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin . Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged . In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible . The church he entered was in a very upmarket and exclusive part of the city . It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen . The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories . As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him . No one greeted, spoke to or welcomed him . They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it . The preacher gave a long sermon about Hellfire and Brimstone and a stern lecture on how much money the church needed to do God's work . As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favour . "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what He thinks would be appropriate attire for worship here . " The old cowboy assured the preacher he would . The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat . Once again he was completely shunned and ignored . The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church . " "I did," replied the old cowboy . "If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshipping in here?" asked the preacher . "Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear . He says He's never been in this church before . " A Good Catholic An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Cassino went to the local church for confession . When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father . . . during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door, said she was a spy and asked me to hide her from the enemy . So I hid her in my attic . " The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that . " "But it's worse than that, Father . She started to repay me with sexual favors . " The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger . However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way . But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven . " "Thank you, Father . That's a great load off my mind . But I do have one more question . " "And what is that?" asked the priest . "Should I tell her the war is over? Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
481043	2006-08-28 02:26:00	MY WIFE, WHO IS BLONDE, CAME RUNNING UP TO ME IN THE DRIVEWAY, THE OTHER DAY, JUST JUMPING FOR JOY! I DIDN'T KNOW WHY SHE WAS JUMPING FOR JOY BUT I THOUGHT, WHAT THE HECK AND I STARTING JUMPING UP AND DOWN ALONG WITH HER . SHE SAID, "HONEY, I HAVE SOME REALLY GREAT NEWS FOR YOU!" I SAID, "GREAT . TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE SO HAPPY ABOUT . " SHE STOPPED JUMPING AND WAS BREATHING HEAVILY FROM ALL THE JUMPING UP AND DOWN, WHEN SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE WAS PREGNANT! I WAS ECSTATIC! WE HAD BEEN TRYING FOR A WHILE, SO I GRABBED HER AND KISSED HER ON THE LIPS AND TOLD HER, "THAT'S GREAT! I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER!" THEN, SHE SAID "OH, HONEY, THERE'S MORE . " I ASKED, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'MORE'?" SHE SAID, "WELL, WE ARE NOT HAVING JUST ONE BABY . WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TWINS!" AMAZED AT HOW SHE COULD KNOW SO SOON AFTER GETTING PREGNANT, SO I ASKED HER HOW SHE KNEW . (you're going to love this part) (really) SHE SAID, "WELL, THAT WAS THE EASY PART . I WENT TO PAC-N-SAVE AND BOUGHT THE TWIN-PACK HOME PREGNANCY TEST KIT, AND BOTH TESTS CAME OUT POSITIVE!" :D	smithie 38 (6684)
481044	2006-08-29 08:30:00	Once upon a time ~~~~~~~~ in a land far away, ~~~~~~~~ a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess ~~~~~~~~ happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle . ~~~~~~~~ The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: " Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me . ~~~~~~~~ One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am ~~~~~~~~ and then, my sweet, we can marry ~~~~~~~~ and set up housekeeping in your castle ~~~~~~~~ with my mother, ~~~~~~~~ where you can prepare my meals, ~~~~~~~~ clean my clothes, bear my children, ~~~~~~~~ and forever feel grateful and happy doing so . " ~~~~~~~~ That night, ~~~~~~~~ as the princess dined sumptuously ~~~~~~~~ on lightly sautéed frog legs ~~~~~~~~ seasoned in a white wine ~~~~~~~ and onion cream sauce, ~~~~~~~~ she chuckled and thought to herself: ~~~~~~~~ I don't F_____g think so .	Cicero (40)
481045	2006-08-30 00:30:00	The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Tony, do you have a story to share?" "Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands." "Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?" "Stay the f__k away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking."	SKT174 (1319)
481046	2006-09-01 05:47:00	WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill "A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner) "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.	Cicero (40)
481047	2006-09-01 06:00:00	Ooh!! I got some godliness jokes today so now is a good time to post them since Billy will probably have a different theme next week . :thumbs: A little boy was attending his first wedding . After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?” “Sixteen,” the boy responded . His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly . “How do you know that?” “Easy,” the little boy said . “All you have to do is add it up, like the Pastor said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer . ” After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mum, I’ve decided to become a minister when I grow up . ” “That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?” “Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand and yell, than to sit and listen . ” A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord’s Prayer at a church service: “And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us . ” A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon . “How do you know what to say?” he asked . “Why, God tells me . ” “Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?” A little girl became restless as the preacher’s sermon dragged on and on . Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, “Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?” After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car . His father asked him three times what was wrong . Finally, the boy replied, “That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!” Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favourite Bible stories . She was puzzled by Kyle’s picture, which showed four people on an aeroplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent . “The Flight to Egypt”, was his reply . Pointing at each figure, Terri said, “That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus, but who is the fourth person?” “Oh, that’s Pontius-the-pilot” . The Sunday School Teacher asks, “Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?” “No sir,” little Johnny replies, “I don’t have to . My Mum is a good cook . ” A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, “I descend into hell!” A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view . The play was well received . When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place . When the new actor announced, “I descend into hell!” the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck . No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend . One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: “Hallelujah! Hell is full!” Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, “After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet . About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, ‘If you don’t be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!’ It worked . ” A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story . From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek . She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again . Finally she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?” “Yes, sweetheart,” he answered, “God made me a long time ago . ” “Oh,” she paused, “grandpa, did God make me too?” “Yes, indeed, honey,” he said, “God made you just a little while ago . ” Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, “God’s getting better, isn’t he?”	FoxyMX (5)
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