Forum Home
PC World Chat
Thread ID: 72752	2006-09-24 22:54:00	Monday Laughs: Being PC is for poofters.......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
487082	2006-09-24 22:54:00	An up-front answering machine message for a school: "Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection: "To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1 "To make excuses for why your child did not do his or her homework- Press 2 "To complain about what we do - Press 3 "To swear at staff members - Press 4 "To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers we mailed to you - Press 5 "If you want us to raise your child for you - Press 6 "If you just feel that you want to reach out and touch, slap or punch someone - Press 7 "To request a change of teacher for the third time this year - Press 8 "To complain about School Donations or Sports Fees - Press 9 "To complain about Tuck Shop lunches - Press 0 "If you realise that this is the real world and that both you and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her/your own behaviour, class work or homework, and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of brain power or effort: Hang up and have a nice day!" If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a returned serviceman, and those who did not return. *********************************************** Nominated for best short joke of the year I was recently asked to run a marathon, I said, "No way". They said, "Come on, it's for spastics and blind kids". Then I thought, "Sh|t, I could win this" Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
487083	2006-09-24 23:54:00	A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still . He asked the elder Father Murphy for some advice . Father Murphy replied, "When I'm worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey, just to calm my nerves . " So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice . Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink . He then proceeded to talk up a storm . Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note from the elder priest on his door: 1) A few sips of whiskey . Not the whole bottle . 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12 . 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10 . 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated . 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass . 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late JC . 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the Spook . 8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him . 9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say, "He was stoned off his ass . " 10) We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! 11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, "Eat me . " 12) The Virgin Mary is not referred to as, "Mary with the Cherry" . 13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub- dub, thanks for the grub, yea God!" 14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St . Willie's, not a willie-pulling contest at St . Taffy's . :D	smithie 38 (6684)
487084	2006-09-25 03:11:00	www.pi.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk Very funny	KiwiTT_NZ (233)
487085	2006-09-25 06:50:00	A sad but true fact in New Zealand: You don't have to worry if you are pregnant or sick when you are taking a taxi in Auckland during a rush hour. Chances are, the taxi driver is a doctor. :D	Renmoo (66)
487086	2006-09-25 13:40:00	www.pi.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk Very funny :lol: Awesome. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- JOKES FROM funny.com A guy gets pulled over for speeding 88 MPH in a 45 zone. The cop askes for his drivers license and the guy says, "I'm sorry officer, but my license was suspended after my 5th DUI." The cop askes for his registration and the guy says, "It's in the glove compartment, but it's not in my name because I stole this car in a car jacking and I killed the woman that owns the car and stuffed her in the trunk and the gun I used is in the glove compartment. At this point the cop tells the guy to keep his hands in sight and he radios for back-up. When a supervisor shows up, the cop tells him the story and he walks up to the guy in the car. The supervisor asks to see the guy's drivers license and the guy hands it over and it is valid with the guys real name and information. The supervisor asks for the registration and the guy says, "It's in the Glove compartment." The supervisor tells the guy to keep his hands in sight and walks around to the passenger side and opens the glove compartment. There is the registration in the guys name and everything seems in order. Next the supervisor asks the guy to get out and open the trunk. The guy opens the trunk and the only thing there is a spare tire. At this point the supervisor tells the guy what the other cop had told him. The guy says "I'll bet that lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding too!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- George W. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing, and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland." George W. said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One". The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George W. said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!" The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!" George W. was a little perplexed by this and said, "But you don't look like you are handicapped." The kid replied, "I will be, after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?" "Of course you may. What can I do for you?" "Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid that they'll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, "God bless you, Father, go ahead." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."	Cornot (10386)
487087	2006-09-25 22:00:00	Two Mexicans teenagers are riding along the LA freeway on a motorcycle. They break down and start trying to hitch a ride. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the teens ask him for a ride into LA. He tells them he has no room in his truck as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at their Harley for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to get it running again. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the teens he has to leave. "Hey man" they say "we need a ride". The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The Mexican teens put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorcycle into the back of the truck so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down and hauls ass. Sure enough the Highway Patrol pull him over for speeding. The patrolman asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies Mexican eggs. The patrolman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door then quickly shuts it again and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many CHP officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers. The patrolman replies "I've got a truck here with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it - 2 have hatched and you wouldn't believe it, they've managed to steal a motorcycle already". Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
487088	2006-09-25 23:24:00	What on earth? I read this joke on Monday night (I think) when it thoretically wasn't even here.... Last weeks Monday laughs still around perhaps.	george12 (7)
487089	2006-09-26 00:56:00	What on earth? I read this joke on Monday night (I think) when it thoretically wasn't even here.... Last weeks Monday laughs still around perhaps. Not sure but i had read it to Cant seem to find it in last week's ether edit just noticed this Last edited by Jen : Today at 06:10 AM. Reason: Billy notified of reason that could be why	sambaird (47)
487090	2006-09-26 00:59:00	Same here. But if you look at the first post of this thread, I think you'll find it has been edited out by the moderators. Fair call, I guess - everyone has to do their job. But curious not all of the first post was edited out...	Lizard (2409)
487091	2006-09-26 01:30:00	Well, interestingly, it's not Maori eggs any more, it's Mexican eggs. The message: It's NEVER OK to post racist jokes against Maoris, but mexicans are OK, they don't live here :p	george12 (7)
1 2 3 4