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Thread ID: 73145	2006-10-08 21:47:00	Monday Laughs: Attitude is everything.......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
490176	2006-10-08 21:47:00	There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs left on her head . "Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today . " So she did and she had a wonderful day . The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that now she had only two hairs on her head . "Hmmm . . . . " she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today . " So she did and she had a grand day . The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head . "Well," she said, "Today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail . " So she did, and she had a fun, fun day . The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head . "YEAH!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!" Attitude is everything Have a Good Day! ********************************************* If you can start the day without caffeine, If you can get going without pep pills, If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him, If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend, If you can face the world without lies and deceit, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, . . . . Then You Are Probably The Family Dog! Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
490177	2006-10-08 22:27:00	Dangerous Virus' - Keep an eye out for them . . . . The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction . The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen . The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus -Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3 . 5 inch floppy . . . then discards it through windows	smithie 38 (6684)
490178	2006-10-08 23:40:00	These are notes from an inexperienced chilli taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey . . . "Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chilli cook-off . Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there when the call came in . I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality . They assured me that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted . Here are the scorecards from the event . " ***Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato . Amusing kick . JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour . Very mild . FRANK: Holy moley!, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it . Took me two beers to put the flames out . Hope that's the worst one . These Texans are crazy . *****Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chilli JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork . Slight Jalapeno tang . JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour needs more peppers to be taken seriously . FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain . I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre . They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face . *****Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick . Needs more beans . JUDGE TWO: A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of red peppers . FRANK: Call the EPA; I've located a uranium spill . My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano . Everyone knows the routine by now . Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest . I'm getting s**t-faced . *****Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chilli with almost no spice . Disappointing . JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans . Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli . FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it . Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb . ***** is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating . *****Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chilli . Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick . Very impressive . JUDGE TWO: Chilli using shredded beef; could use more tomato . Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement . FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes . I farted and four people behind me burst into flames . The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage . Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher . It really p**ses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming! Screw those rednecks! *****Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli . Good balance of spice and peppers . JUDGE TWO: The best yet . Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic . Superb . FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames . No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that **** Sally . I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! ******Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers . JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment . I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3 . He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably . FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing . I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water . My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth . My pants are full of lava-like poop to match my damn shirt . At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me . I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful . Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway . If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach . *****Chilli # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chilli JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending . . . this is a nice blend chilli, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence . JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chilli, neither mild nor hot . Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chilli pot on top of himself . Not sure if he's going to make it . Poor Yank . FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)	johcar (6283)
490179	2006-10-09 02:41:00	As a guy who's got much the same problem as Frank above, I've never laughed so much, I think I've opened up or teared four new hernias. Thanks Johcar sarel	sarel (2490)
490180	2006-10-09 04:56:00	"I farted and four people behind me burst into flames." That says it all really :eek:	Shortcircuit (1666)
490181	2006-10-09 09:09:00	Oh man, gotta love the chillis... nice one johcar!	Erayd (23)
490182	2006-10-09 09:43:00	Top Ten signs that a redneck has been working on your computer 10. The monitor is up on blocks. 9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them. 8. The six front keys have rotted out. 7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them. 6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six. 5. The password is "Huntin". 4. The CPU has a gun rack mount. 3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive. 2. The keyboard is camouflaged. 1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".	Agent_24 (57)
490183	2006-10-09 15:10:00	"Chilli" in Texas, and probably most of the whole US not counting Massachusetts or Maine is spelled "Chili" -- one "L". Other than that...very funny! Massachusetts and Maine have people who spell funny too. Ah yop!	SurferJoe46 (51)
490184	2006-10-09 18:30:00	Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's . Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do . Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage . Burglarize: What a crook sees with . Control: A short, ugly inmate . Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets . Eclipse: what an English barber does for a living . Eyedropper: a clumsy ophthalmologist . Heroes: what a guy in a boat does . Left Bank: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot . Misty: How golfers create divots . Paradox: two physicians . Parasites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower . Pharmacist: a helper on the farm . Polarize: what penguins see with . Primate: removing your spouse from in front of the TV . Relief: what trees do in the spring . Rubberneck: what you do to relax your wife . Seamstress: describes 250 pounds in a size 6 . Selfish: what the owner of a seafood store does . Sudafed: brought litigation against a government official . Subdued . . . like a guy, like, who works on one of those Attack Submarines .	Agent_24 (57)
490185	2006-10-11 23:52:00	GOT TO LOVE AUSTRALIA A guy from Australia passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14 . >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> How do ya know when you're stayin' in a Australian hotel? When ya call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead . " ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How can ya tell if an Australian redneck is married? There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck . ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did'ja hear they've raised the minimum drinkin' age in Australia to 32? Seems they wanna keep alcohol outta high schools . ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Where was the toothbrush invented? Australia . If it'd been invented anywhere else, it would'a been called a teeth brush . ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An Australian cop pulls over a pickup on High St and says to the driver, "Got any I . D . ?" and the driver replies "Bout wut?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did ya hear about the $3 million Australian Lottery? (Come on- this is funny!) The winner gets $3 . 00 a year for a million years . ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The mayor's mansion in Australia burned down! Yep . Pert' near took out the whole trailer park . The library was a total loss too . Both books-poof . . . up in flames and he hadn't even finished colourin' one of 'em . ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A new law was recently passed in Australia . When a couple gets divorced, they're STILL cousins . ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A guy walks into a bar in Australia and orders a Mudslide . The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here are ya?' "No," replies the man, "I'm from Auckland . " The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya do in Auckland ?" "I'm a taxidermist," said the man . The bartender, lookin' very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" "The man says,"I mount animals . " The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar . . . "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"	Cicero (40)
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