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Thread ID: 73917 2006-11-05 20:23:00 Monday Laughs: Points to ponder............ Billy T (70) PC World Chat
Post ID Timestamp Content User
496656 2006-11-05 20:23:00 · I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people died of natural causes .

· Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it . If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant .

· The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .

· Never take life seriously . It's only a temporary affliction .

· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead .

· Life is sexually transmitted condition that always ends in death . No exceptions, not even for water-walkers .

· Being healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die .

· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth .

· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing .

· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again .

· All of us could take a lesson from the weather . It pays no attention to criticism .

· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world look weird . Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it look normal .

· Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession . I have come to realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first .

· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

· Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its ass . "

· Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

· Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

· Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

· If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


Cheers

Billy 8-{) :nerd: 		Billy T (70)
496657 2006-11-05 21:41:00 I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call . I am making some changes in my life . Please leave a message after the beep . If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes . "

~~~~~

At pilots training back in the Air Corps they taught us,
"Always try to keep the number of landings you make
equal to the number of take offs you make . "

~~~~~

Aspire to inspire before you expire .

~~~~~

My wife and I had words,
but I didn't get to use mine .

~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses .

~~~~~

Blessed are those who can give without remembering
and take without forgetting .

~~~~~

The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere .

~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think
of an answer for her first question .

~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps getting harder to find one .

~~~~~

Every morning is the dawn of a new error . 		smithie 38 (6684)
496658 2006-11-06 00:28:00 Why Planes Crash:

In the US Air Force pilots generally write faults on post-it notes in the cockpit for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. They tend to get sarcastic notes back from the over-stretched mechanics.

(P) Problem
(R) Reply

(P) Back offside tyre almost needs replacement
(R) Almost replaced back offside tyre

(P) Something loose in cabin
(R) Something tightened in cabin

(P) Evidence of leak under engine
(R) Evidence removed

(P) Engine noise unbelievably loud
(R) Noise set to a more believable level

(P) Dead flies on windscreen
(R) Live flies on order

(P) Friction locks cause throttle to stick
(R) That's what they're there for

(P) Steering handles funny
(R) Steering warned to 'straighten up' and to be serious

(P) Door panel loose
(R) Search party organised

(P) Dashboard hums
(R) Dashboard reprogrammed with the lyrics

(P) Light does not come on when door opens
(R) More promiscuous light ordered

(P) Unusual noise from under dashboard
(R) Adjusted to a more familiar noise

(P) Front tyre found to be flat
(R) Front tyre only found to be flat at bottom

(P) Flasher broke
(R) Collection organised

(P) Smell coming from under front seat
(R) Smell more evenly distributed

(P) Horn will not work
(R) Horn's supervisor alerted

(P) Number 3 engine missing
(R) Engine found under right wing after brief search

(P) Test flight OK, but auto-land very rough
(R) Auto-land not installed on this aircraft

(P) Suspected crack in windscreen
(R) Suspect you're right

(P) Mouse in cockpit
(R) Cat installed. 		johcar (6283)
496659 2006-11-06 01:16:00 And some late (and silly) Halloween ones:

Q . Why did the vampire need mouthwash? A . Because he had bat breath .

Q . What's a Vampire's least favorite song? A . Another one bites the dust!

Q . How did the ghost say goodbye to the vampire? A . So long sucker!

Q . What do you get when you cross a vampire with the internet? A . blood-thirsty hacker baby

Q . Where do vampires keep their money? A: The blood bank!!!

Q . Why did the Vampire read the Wall Street Journal? Q . He heard it had great circulation .

Q . Why was the girl afraid of the vampire? A . He was all bite and no bark .

Q . What is a vampires least favorite food? A . Steak

Q . What happens when two vampires meet? A . It was love at first bite!

Q . What did the skeleton say to the vampire? A . You suck .

Q . What is a vampires favorite holiday? A . Fangsgiving

Q . How does a girl vampire flirt? A . She bats her eyes .

Q . Which building does Dracula visit in New York? A . The Vampire State Building .

Q . Why do vampires scare people? A . They are bored to death!

Q . How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? A . Every night he turns into a bat .

Q . What's it like to be kissed by a vampire? A . It's a pain in the neck .

Q . How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery? A . All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts .

Q . What's it called when a vampire has trouble with his house? A . A grave problem .

Q . Why are vampires like false teeth? A . They all come out at night .

Q . What type of dog does every vampire have? A . Bloodhound!

Q . What did the vampire say after reading Halloween jokes? A . They suck! 		johcar (6283)
496660 2006-11-06 11:20:00 Q. What did the vampire say after reading Halloween jokes? A. They suck!LOL. hes not the only one:D Rob99 (151)
496661 2006-11-06 19:29:00 Why Planes Crash:

(P) Test flight OK, but auto-land very rough
(R) Auto-land not installed on this aircraft


:eek: 		pctek (84)
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