Forum Home
PC World Chat
Thread ID: 74545	2006-11-26 20:05:00	Monday Laughs: Yet Another List.......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
502258	2006-11-26 20:05:00	Some questions worth pondering: 1) Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? 2) Ever wonder about those people who pay exorbitant prices for those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE 3) Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one? 4) If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 5) If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? 6) Why is that a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist? 7) If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? 8) You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive . 9) If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? 10) Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? 11) If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea . . . does that mean that one enjoys it? 12) Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? 13) What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? 14) I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . . they're cramming for their final exam . 15) I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use . Toothpicks? 16) Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? 17) If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose? 18) Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? 19) As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells "THEIRS?" 20) Everyone seems normal until you get to know them . 21) If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance! 22) And finally, be really good to your family and friends . You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan . Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
502259	2006-11-26 20:33:00	I agree wholeheartedly with No 14. PJ the Atheist.	Poppa John (284)
502260	2006-11-26 20:54:00	haha thanks for the laughs. :p	qazwsxokmijn (102)
502261	2006-11-27 01:01:00	Lord help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 am exactly. God help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive. God help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault. God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, please feel free to ASK me! Lord, help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it EXACTLY right. God help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties, and dancing. God give me patience, and I mean right NOW! Lord help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?) God, help me to finish everything I sta God, help me to keep my mind on one th -- Look, a bird -- ing at a time. God help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest. And would you mind putting that in writing? Lord keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be. Lord help me be less independent, but let me do it my way. Lord help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes. Lord, help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatIdo. Amen	johcar (6283)
502262	2006-11-27 01:09:00	Here are some comments off my latest yearly appraisal at my job Term: GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS Meaning: Able to bull**** Term: GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS Meaning: Spends lots of time on phone Term: AVERAGE EMPLOYEE Meaning: Not too bright Term: EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED Meaning: Made no major blunders yet Term: WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY Meaning: Too ugly to get a date Term: ACTIVE SOCIALLY Meaning: Drinks a lot Term: FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY Meaning: Spouse drinks, too Term: INDEPENDENT WORKER Meaning: Nobody knows what he/she does Term: QUICK THINKING Meaning: Offers plausible excuses Term: CAREFUL THINKER Meaning: Won't make a decision Term: AGGRESSIVE Meaning: Obnoxious Term: USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS Meaning: Gets someone else to do it Term: EXPRESSES HIMSELF WELL Meaning: Speaks some English Term: METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL Meaning: A nit picking nut Term: HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES Meaning: Is tall or has a loud voice Term: EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGMENT Meaning: Lucky Term: CAREER MINDED Meaning: Back Stabber Term: LOYAL Meaning: Can't get a job anywhere else Term: KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR Meaning: Knows a lot of dirty jokes Term: HAS AN EXTENSIVE PERSONAL LIBRARY Meaning: Copies rented porno movies	smithie 38 (6684)
502263	2006-11-27 03:49:00	3) Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one? Beats me . WHy isn't 22 pronounced Tooty-Two?	pctek (84)
502264	2006-11-27 06:06:00	The Daily Telegraph's celebration of the outsider - the men and women of Britain who refuse to follow the pack - struck a chord across the nation yesterday with hundreds of people downloading our membership certificate for the Society of People Who Never . . . The idea started in The Daily Telegraph's letters page last week when a reader said that he wanted to form a Society of People Who Had Not Seen The Sound of Music and Have No Intention of Doing So . An avalanche of letters since bears testimony to the fact that readers have perhaps never had an outlet to vent their spleens about pet hates . Here are some of the cultural trends you are proud to buck: I have never started a sentence with the word "basically" and finish with "you know" . Keith McNally Never had any desire to have a meal at The Ivy . Michael Barber I have never read the Da Vinci Code, or seen the movie and never will . Ditto Big Brother . Laura Merton I have never understood why anyone would want to swim with dolphins or lie for ages in their bath surrounded by candles . J . F . Belfast I have never wanted to look remotely like Victoria Beckham! I have never wanted to own a Prada handbag! I have never wanted to be able to sing like Madonna! I have never owned (or wanted to own) a Delia cookery book! Sylvia J Sweatman I've never read Hello!, OK!, Heat or other celebrity trash . Rhodri Evans I have never been as pleasantly surprised as right now, reading all these comments and knowing I'm not the only one who eschews the crap and hype of modern Western society! Valerie Watched anything to do with so-called celebrities or modern comedians, or listened to the inumerable inane disc jockeys on the radio . Peter Constable We are founder members of the Society Of Those That Cannot stand 'Aitch' pronounced as 'Haitch'! Angela and David I am proud to say I have never willingly watched an episode of Eastenders, Coronation Street, Emmerdale or any of the usual mind-numbing soap operas on television . Just seeing the occasional trailers is enough to show I made the right decision . As for the BBC and their dreadful Eastenders trailers, the country is NOT talking about it . . . ! David Peters I am 68 . I have 3 grown up children and 2 grandchildren . I have never changed a nappy and have no intention of so doing . Although, the time might not be too far off when I have to change my own! Tony Bailey I have never been to or ever intend to go to Benidorm . Sandra Middleton I've lived long enough to never say 'never' (ever) . Richard Wynn My husband is also a proud member of the exclusive club of those who have never owned or worn a pair of jeans; he is also proud of the fact that he has never owned or worn a pair of trainers and has requested that these boasts are engraved on his gravestone . I have promised to carry out this wish, provided that I can bury him in the offending articles . Isabel Birt Never owned a second home abroad . Audrey Tutton I have never knowingly met anyone who has taken drugs . Erling I have never found Jonathan Ross funny or amusing; nor have I ever been to, or been a member of, any gym club or read the Guardian newspaper . John Whitehouse Split an infinitive, written "it's" as a possessive or said "between you and I" . Peter Evans Never been to a McDonald's or a Wimpy . June Boden Never felt the need to smash a bus shelter or telephone box! S . Cammish	Cicero (40)
502265	2006-11-27 07:06:00	Bit gereric, all of this.	mark c (247)
502266	2006-11-27 07:54:00	A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears: BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him… FASTER . . . FASTER . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him . However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping… clappity- BUMP . . . clappity- BUMP . . . clappity- BUMP . . . The terrified man rushes upstairs to the bathroom and locks himself in . His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps . With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door, bumping and clapping toward him . The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket . . . and, (hopefully you're ready for this!!!) … . The coffin stops --------------------------------------------------------------------- Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs . Here is the story of one frog and his discussion with his psychic . A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you . " The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party . . . or what?" "No," says the psychic . "Next semester in her biology class . " --------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you make a tissue dance? SPOILER: Blow a little boogie into it . --------------------------------------------------------------------- There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other . One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes . The bear went first and he said,I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest . And he got his wish . The rabbit said, I want a motorcycle helmet . And he got his wish . The bear went up and said, I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female . And he got his wish . The rabbit said, I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet . And he got his wish . The bear said, I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females . And he got his wish . It was the rabbits turn, and he said, I wish that bear was gay .	bob_doe_nz (92)
502267	2006-11-27 11:40:00	Beats me. WHy isn't 22 pronounced Tooty-Two? Eh ? ? How do you pronounce it? Tenty - twelve sounds unfriendly.	R2x1 (4628)
1 2