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Thread ID: 74744	2006-12-03 21:16:00	Monday Laughs: Jokes for Groan ups.......A Monday clear-out	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
504032	2006-12-03 21:16:00	Two brooms were hanging in the closet, and after a while they got to know each other so well they decided to get married . One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom . The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress . The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo . The wedding was lovely . After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk-broom!!!" "IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom . Are you ready for this? Brace yourself; this is going to hurt . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * "WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!" Oh for goodness sake . . . Laugh, or at least groan . Life's too short not to enjoy . *********************************************** A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts . " She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer . When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer . It's gonna start . " This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer . When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second . " "That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave . Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?" The husband sighed . "Oh ****, it's started . " *********************************************** To all of you serial email forwarders: I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat droppings in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing . Also, for the same reason I now have to scrub the top of every can I open . I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time . In fact, I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program . I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me . I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers . I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day . Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers will only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within the next five minutes . Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains . I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer can't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling my tank . I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr . Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans . I no longer use Gladwrap wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer . And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face . . . disfiguring me for life . I no longer check the coin return on parking meters because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS . I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me . I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise . I no longer answer my phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore,and Uzbekistan . I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike . Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but my own because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me a slow and agonising death when it bites my butt . And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up the $10 . 00 somebody dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg . Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy petrol from certain petrol companies! If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at exactly 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump . I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . . . Have a wonderful day . . . . *********************************************** Catholics in Las Vegas This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas but there are more Catholic Churches there than casinos . Not surprisingly, worshippers at Sunday Mass will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed . Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the cash value of the offerings . The churches send all their collection chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in . The cash is then returned to each of the churches . This is all done by the chip monks . Didn't see that one coming did you? *********************************************** A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size . She went to an expensive department store, approached the sales lady in lingerie, and asked "Do you have a size 28AAA bra?" The clerk sniffed, and haughtily replied that they only catered for normal people . So she left the store and went to another department store where she was given similar treatment . After a third try at another department store in the mall, she was getting very frustrated so leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart . Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, then yelled, "Do you have anything in stock for these?" The clerk looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?" *********************************************** A couple was dressed and ready to go out into the city for the evening . They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard . They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi . The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house . The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house . They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird . The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat . The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit . Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night so she explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon . "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my Mother . " A few minutes later, the husband comes out and gets into the cab . "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away . "Stupid ***** was hiding under the bed . Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck . Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me but it worked . I hauled her fat arse downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!" The cab driver hit a parked car . . . . . . Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
504033	2006-12-03 22:20:00	Just stopped laughing long enough to place a vote for BillyT, PF1 entertainer od the year.	JJJJJ (528)
504034	2006-12-04 00:00:00	SPEAKING ENGLISH The new high school teacher had been born and raised in the North but was now teaching in Georgia. All of her students spoke with a very pronounced Southern drawl... Because she was having difficulty understanding her students' accents, she said to one girl, "I do wish you Southerners would speak English!" "We do," Sarah replied. "Well, it's not the King's English," the teacher protested. "Sure it is," Sarah said. "Elvis was a Southerner." ************************************************** ************** The Bible Salesman A pastor concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church. Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday. Eager to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?" Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church." "Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you." Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the church last week?" Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected." The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you." Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?" Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could" "Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie." Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered. Impatiently, Paul interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!" "A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied , "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??" ************************************************** ** Personal Secretary A guy walked into his friend's office. He found his friend sitting at his desk, looking very depressed. "Hey, what's up with you?", he asked. "Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me." "Well, nothing wrong in that," he said, "Is she blonde or brunette?" "Neither. He's bald." ************************************************** ***** And an oldie but a goodie… Help Desk queries Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... =============== Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button? Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note. Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry.... =============== Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left? =============== Tech support: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello... I can't print. Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and... Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates. =============== Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it... =============== Customer: I have problems printing in red... Tech support: Do you have a colour printer? Customer: Aaaah....... ......... ....thank you. =============== Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11. =============== Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer: OK Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work... =============== Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters? =============== Customer: can't get on the Internet. Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars. =============== Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program. Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer. =============== Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears. =============== Tech support: How may I help you? Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it? =============== A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. Tech support: Are you running it under windows? Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine." =============== And last but not least... Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: I don't have a P. Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob. Customer: What do you mean? Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob. Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!	johcar (6283)
504035	2006-12-04 00:33:00	Two boys are playing hockey on a pond on Boston Common when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dog’s neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Bruins Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. “But I’m not a Bruins fan,” the little hero replied. "Sorry, since we are in Boston, I just assumed you were," said the reporter and starts again. "Red Sox Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook. "I’m not a Red Sox fan either," the boy said. "I assumed everyone in Boston was either for the Bruins or Red Sox. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked. "I’m a Yankees fan," the child said. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Bastard from New York Kills Beloved Family Pet." :D	smithie 38 (6684)
504036	2006-12-04 00:37:00	Oh man, that last one is great :D (from johcar's post)	mejobloggs (264)
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