Forum Home
PC World Chat
Thread ID: 74932	2006-12-10 20:23:00	Monday Laughs: The ups and downs of being a Mother.......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
505648	2006-12-10 20:23:00	A Mum was out walking with her 4 year old daughter when the child picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth . Mum took the item away from her and told her she must not do that . "Why?" her daughter asked . "Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs," Mum replied . At this point, her daughter looked up with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," thinking quickly, "All mums know this stuff . It's on the Mummy Test . You have to know it or they don't let you be a Mum . " They walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes . The daughter was evidently pondering this new information . "Oh, I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test, you have to be the Daddy . " "Exactly," Mum replied back with a big smile on her face and joy in her heart . *********************************************** A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room . She heard the train stop and her son saying: "All of you bastards who want off, get the f#@k off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get the f#@k on, cause we're going down the tracks" . The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house . Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS . When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language . " Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train . Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say: "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you . We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one . " She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat . Remember, there is no smoking on the train . We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today . " As the mother began to smile, the child added . . . . . . . . . . "And for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay in our service today, please take your complaints to the fat cow in the kitchen . Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
505649	2006-12-10 21:22:00	Twin brothers, one named Emal and the other Juan, grew up and moved out of the country. A year later, their mother receives from Juan a letter and picture of himself. His mother sighs and mentions she wishes she had a picture from Emal as well. 'Why,' replies her husband, 'if you've seen Juan, you've seen Emal.'	Rob99 (151)
505650	2006-12-10 21:50:00	MUM - Job Description POSITION: Mother, Mum, Mama (Mom or Mommy for Surfer Joe :) ) JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organisational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required. RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organise social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility. POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you. PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis. WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that uni will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more. BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right. ***************************************** And, slightly off-topic, but relevant to the time of year: How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night of drinking and thought 'How did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the bar to your home. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a beer scooter. The beer scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased out to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman God of Wine. Bacchus has branched out since the decrease in the worship of the Roman pantheon and bought a large batch of these magical devices. The beer scooter works in the following fashion: The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects the pheromone and sends down a winged beer scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a trans-dimensional portal. It is not cheap to run a beer scooter franchise, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This generates the second question after a night out: 'How did I spend so much money?' Beer scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries). An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of trans-dimensional portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This generates the third question after a night out: 'What happened?' With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the OEMIT (Overtly Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's OEMIT is not necessarily the OEMIT of another and, quite often, lost time is regained over a suitable period. Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom often with horrific consequences. With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-through franchise specialising in half-eaten kebabs and pizza crusts. Another question answered!! For the family man, beer scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and “Thump-A-Lot Boots”. These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tiptoe, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the ring-barked shins. The final add-in Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night. PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures wearing just a T-shirt.	johcar (6283)
505651	2006-12-10 22:54:00	Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted: "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Barry's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Barry, of course, thought he did. Barry's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter. LETTER 1: Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Barry. Barry knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started again. LETTER 2: Dear God, This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Barry Barry knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again. LETTER 3: Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday. Your friend, Barry Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either. Barry was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Barry's mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said. Barry walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Barry began to write his letter to God. LETTER 4: I'VE GOT YOUR MUM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE F**KING BIKE.	olwyn (8088)
505652	2006-12-11 06:14:00	A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot . He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing . The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look . Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine . He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting . Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window . The young man lowers his window . "Uh, yes, officer?" The cop says: "What are you doing?" The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine . " Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater . " Now, the cop is totally confused . A young couple . Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane . . . . and nothing obscene is happening! The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says :"I'm 22, sir . " The cop asks: "And her . . . what's her age?" The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes	JJJJJ (528)
505653	2006-12-11 06:28:00	"She'll be 18 in 11 minutes" OUTSTANDING! :p	allblack (6574)
505654	2006-12-11 11:51:00	Nice one Jack. In fact, you've all done very well.	R2x1 (4628)
505655	2006-12-11 19:05:00	A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a 10 cent piece. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, but serious- looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market, reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the money to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "No," the woman replies, "I work for the Inland Revenue" :D	smithie 38 (6684)
505656	2006-12-11 19:41:00	Scout essay Dear Mom & Dad, Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried . We are okay . Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away . Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened . Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay . He can't write because of the cast . I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps . It was neat . We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning . Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone . Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him . Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes . Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back . We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed . It wasn't his fault about the wreck . The brakes worked okay when we left . Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect some thing to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance . We think it's a neat bus . He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders . It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus . He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us . Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy . Don't worry, he's a good driver . In fact, he is teaching Jesse how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic . All we ever see up there are logging trucks . This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake . Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake . It was great . You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood . Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some Scoutmasters . He didn't even get mad about us not wearing life jackets . He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble . Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges . When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works . Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken . He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison . I'm so glad he got out and became our Scoutmaster . He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time . By the way, what is a pedal file? I have to go now . We are going to town to mail our letters and buy some more beer . Don't worry about anything . We are fine . Love, Chris	FoxyMX (5)
505657	2006-12-12 00:52:00	That’s a interesting one FoxyMX :D :p	stu161204 (123)
1 2 3