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Thread ID: 143617	2017-03-01 01:37:00	Mid-Week Laughs: Five of the Best! Enjoy.............	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1432333	2017-03-01 01:37:00	. . Joan, a rather well-proportioned & near-sighted secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first few days, but always removed her glasses for an even facial tan. After several days she decided that no one could see her way up there, so she slipped out of her suit for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you have for the past week." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight!" ********************************* A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy. 'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor. Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... ' 'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?' Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... ' The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. ' By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie '. Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin '. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?' 'Now wot da fock would you say?' ********************************* In the year 2017, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing, along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying : "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights." Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a Building Permit. I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system and my neighbours claim that I've violated the Neighbourhood By-Laws by building the Ark in my back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision." "Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it." "Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the Ark accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood." "I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration are checking the Visa status of most of the people who want to work. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species." "So, forgive me, Lord" said Noah, "but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark." "Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky." Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" "No," said the Lord. "The need has passed, the Government has beaten me to it." ********************************* A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.. The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?' 'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?' 'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I will give you $100 for your trouble..' 'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, then off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.' 'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde, 'but we had money left over--- so now we're going to Sea World ********************************* And because I care about for your collective Souls, a religious finish.........:devil Three boys are in the playground bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50.' The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100.' The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!' Cheers Billy 8-{) :) Mea Culpa: I've been a little erratic with Mondays lately, Things are a bit heavy around Chez Billy at present and Mrs Billy is not feeling too good either, so I'm paying a bit more attention to the home front to make sure she's happy & comfortable. A new microwave, stove and refrigerator helped. :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
1432334	2017-03-01 02:47:00	I was on the bus earlier and said this joke to my mate,What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw in your washing. The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit". We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said "He choked on a sock".	plod (107)
1432335	2017-03-01 03:53:00	Three boys are in the playground bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50.' The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100.' The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!' My sons lawyer scribbles a few words on a piece of paper and emails it and snail mails it and it takes an armoured truck to collect the money for that.	pctek (84)
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