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Thread ID: 76132	2007-01-22 02:58:00	Monday Laughs: Vanity..............?	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
518196	2007-01-22 02:58:00	A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital . While on the operating table she had a near death experience . Seeing God, she asked Him "Is my time up?" God said: "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live . " Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck . She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it . After her last operation, she was released from the hospital . But, while crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance . Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of that ambulance?" (You'll love this!!!) God replied: "I'm sorry, I didn't recognise you . " Cheers Billy 8-{) P . S . Sorry about the late fix, had to work out of town today	Billy T (70)
518197	2007-01-22 03:39:00	The next time you are flying and someone keeps bothering you in the next seat just pull out your laptop and go to this website (making sure they see it) This will keep them quiet for some time . Right-Click on the link below . . thecleverest . com/countdown . swf" target="_blank">www . thecleverest . com	allblack (6574)
518198	2007-01-22 03:46:00	lol, great Billy	Cornot (10386)
518199	2007-01-22 03:52:00	A mainframe computer on which everyone in the office depended suddenly went down . They tried everything but it still wouldn’t work . Finally they decided to call in a high-powered computer consultant . He arrived, looked at the computer, took out a small hammer and tapped it on the side . Instantly the computer leapt into life . Two days later the office manager received a bill from the consultant for $1000 . Immediately he called the consultant and said, "One thousand dollars for fixing that computer? You were only here five minutes! I want the bill itemised!" The next day the new bill arrived . It read, "Tapping computer with hammer: one dollar . Knowing where to tap: 999 dollars . " :D	smithie 38 (6684)
518200	2007-01-22 04:10:00	Instantly the computer leapt into life. Two days later the office manager received a bill from the consultant for $1000. Immediately he called the consultant and said, "One thousand dollars for fixing that computer? You were only here five minutes! I want the bill itemised!" The next day the new bill arrived. It read, "Tapping computer with hammer: one dollar. Knowing where to tap: 999 dollars." :D My golly that's an old one. Probably more than one century old. I know the first time I heard it was to do with a steam engine. Since then the occasion has switched to cars, turbines and now computers. I wonder actually if it was new to anybody? Smithie obviously. Tom	Thomas01 (317)
518201	2007-01-22 04:40:00	Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died. First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony. I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the *******. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself." St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside. Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me." St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man. Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."	Cornot (10386)
518202	2007-01-22 04:44:00	A mainframe computer on which everyone in the office depended suddenly went down . They tried everything but it still wouldn’t work . Finally they decided to call in a high-powered computer consultant . He arrived, looked at the computer, took out a small hammer and tapped it on the side . Instantly the computer leapt into life . Two days later the office manager received a bill from the consultant for $1000 . Immediately he called the consultant and said, "One thousand dollars for fixing that computer? You were only here five minutes! I want the bill itemised!" The next day the new bill arrived . It read, "Tapping computer with hammer: one dollar . Knowing where to tap: 999 dollars . " :D :lol: haha :D	stu161204 (123)
518203	2007-01-22 06:05:00	I liked this one in the RD: An American is vacationing in Spain, and has just sat down to dinner in a fancy restaurant. Suddenly, he sees all the waiters parade out of the kitchen and, with great flourish, set a platter before one of the diners. On the plate he can see some sort of large, oval objects. The diner looks very pleased, and with the fanfare over, the waiters go back to their normal routines. As his waiter passes his table, the American asks, "What's the deal with the huge presentation over that guy's meal?" "Oh, senor," the waiter says, "That man has ordered the most expensive thing on our menu. Of course we make much celebration when someone orders it!" "Well, then," the American says, "I want the same thing. Money is no object." "I'm sorry, sir," the waiter says, "There was only one order to serve today. You see, when the bullfighters kill a bull, they remove his, uh, 'family jewels' and that's what we serve. There was a bullfight today, but only one matador presented us with this delicacy. But there is another bullfight next Thursday... come back then, and we'll make sure to reserve this delicacy for you." So the next Thursday, the American goes back to the restaurant and is seated. As the waiter promised, a procession of apron-clad men march out of the kitchen with a platter held high. It is set before the American, and the lid removed. "Hey! What's this?" the man exclaims. "This is nothing like what I saw that other guy get... these are so... small! What happened?" "Well, senor..." the waiter said, "Sometimes the bull wins ..."	pctek (84)
518204	2007-01-22 06:05:00	Three guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have stopped working and the car is accelerating out of control. So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation. Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look." Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes." Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?"	pctek (84)
518205	2007-01-23 08:18:00	LOL, i was laughing at the first sentence alone, but then came the last line:lol:	motorbyclist (188)
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