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Thread ID: 76865	2007-02-18 21:31:00	Monday Laughs: Don't mess with oldies..............	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
525610	2007-02-18 21:31:00	A very self-important yuppie attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation. "You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the yuppie said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing " He paused to take another drink of beer, so the senior citizen took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're absolutely right son, we didn't have those things when we were young........so we invented them. Now tell me, you arrogant little prick, what are YOU doing for the next generations?" Cue applause from the surrounding listeners. ********************************************** HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DONT MOVE FAST ANYMORE. Jack Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. Jack opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. Jack said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 60, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a minute or so ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to Jack: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" Jack said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" ********************************************** An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist. The Urologist shared an office with several other doctors and the waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a sumo wrestler. He gave her his name, and in a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR DETAILS HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?" All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS." Don't mess with older folks! Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
525611	2007-02-18 22:41:00	A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question, "How did I get here?" Her mother told her, "God sent you . " Did God send you, too?" asked the child . "Yes, Dear," the mother replied . "What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted . He sent them also," the mother said . "Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child . "Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently . "So you're telling me that there has been no sex in this family for 200 years! No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here . " :D	smithie 38 (6684)
525612	2007-02-19 20:48:00	An oldie but a goodie: Dr. Davis (AKA Mr. Helen Clark...) was jogging near his home in Auckland. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. "Two hundred and fifty dollars!" she'd shout from the curb. "No! Five dollars!" He would fire back, just to shut her up. This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Two hundred and Fifty dollars!" He'd yell back, "Five dollars!" One day, Helen decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his daily jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Dr. Davis realised she'd bark her usual $250 offer and Helen would start wondering what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a darn good explanation for the 'Boss'. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual, and sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five bucks, you tight bastard!" Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
525613	2007-02-19 23:03:00	These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place . ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there . ________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th . ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year . _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks . ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes . ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget . ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which . ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years . _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan . ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do . ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do . ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo . ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one . ________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Would you repeat the question? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes . ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh . . . . ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes . ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None . ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death . ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard . ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work . ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people . ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral . ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p . m . ATTORNEY: And Mr . Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh? ____________________________________________ And the best for last ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No . ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No . ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No . ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No . ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar . ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law .	smithie 38 (6684)
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