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Thread ID: 77691	2007-03-18 22:26:00	Monday Laughs: In honour of St Patrick's Day, six of the best..............	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
534136	2007-03-18 22:26:00	Been saving them up all year ;) Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him because Murphy had never been seen in church in his life . After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?" Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat . I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday . I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church . so, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat . " The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat . What changed your mind?" Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat . " The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than Burn in Hell, right ?" Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat . " *********************************************** An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road . A cop pulls him over . "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk . "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening . " "I did all right an' all," the drunk says with a smile . "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car? Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk . "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf . " *********************************************** Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door . "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks . "I've somethin' to tell ya" . "Of course you can come in Tim, you're always welcome, but where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda . There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery . . . " "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda . "Please don't tell me . " "I must, Brenda . Your husband Shamus is dead and gone . I'm sorry . Poor Brenda was wracked with sobs and quite distraught . Finally, she looked up at Tim . "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda . He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned . " "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim . Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, Brenda" . . . . . said Tim, "not really, in fact, he got out three times to pee . " *********************************************** An Irishman arrived at J . F . K . Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks . An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick . "No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!" "How'd that happen?" the employee asked . "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman . *********************************************** An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The State Trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car . He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest . The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Praise be! The good Lord's done it again!" *********************************************** Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street . They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad . " Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well . " Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity . . . . . one of them poor girls must be dying . *********************************************** Shamus suffered a serious heart attack, was rushed to hospital and needed urgent open heart bypass surgery . He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of the nuns at the local Catholic hospital . As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he would like to pay for his treatment . She asked if he had health insurance . Shamus replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance . " The nun asked if he had money in the bank . He replied, "No money in the bank . " The nun asked, "would you be havin' a relative who could help you then?" Shanus said,"I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun like yourself . The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "sure, and a good catholic like you should be knowin' that we Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God . " Good, Shamus replied, "then be sendin' your bill to my brother-in-law . " Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
534137	2007-03-18 23:35:00	:D :D	R2x1 (4628)
534138	2007-03-19 08:58:00	Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father . " The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall . " Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply . "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest . Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven? O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father . The priest said, "I don't believe this . You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes . I thought you were getting a group together to go right now . " ************************************************** ********** An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness . The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you . . . you have the cancer and it can't be cured . I'd give you two weeks to a month . " Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room . There he saw his son who had been waiting . Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well . In this case, things aren't so well . I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live . Let's head for the pub and have a few pints . " After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber . There were some laughs and more beers . They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating . Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad . . . He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end . He told his friends "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS . " The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers . After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion . . . "Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer . . . ? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?" Murphy said, " I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone . " ************************************************** ********* An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers . The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone . An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more . This happens yet again . The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times . Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers . Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town . "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?" "Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia . We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond . " The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink . Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers . The bartender pours them with a heavy heart . This continues for the rest of the evening: he orders only two beers . The word flies around town . Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers . The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother . You know--the two beers and all . . . " The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well . It's just that I've decided to give up drinking for Lent . "	smithie 38 (6684)
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