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Thread ID: 78269	2007-04-09 22:38:00	Monday Laughs: Resurrecting relig-ish jokes for Easter..............	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
539564	2007-04-09 22:38:00	Tuesday Edition :) One Sunday morning, a woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting (or as some churches call it, "Cry Sunday") . She took the microphone from one of the church ushers, then bared her soul to the enthralled congregation: "I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month . He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree . He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum . " The congregation gasped in horror . The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats . She continued: "Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident . He has trouble breathing . He has trouble swallowing his food . He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it . He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need . Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations . He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion . I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new . " A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "there but for the grace of God go I . " Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in the midst of the congregation and, in obvious pain, slowly worked his way up to the pulpit . Once there, he adjusted the microphone to his liking, then slowly leaned over and said to the congregation: "My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill . That word is: STERNUM!" ********************************************** A PRAYER . . . . Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my woman; Love to forgive her; And Patience for her moods . Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll probably throw her out of the house . AMEN ********************************************** A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane . After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The Rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs . " The Priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich . " The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading . A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith . " The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh? The Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith . " The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes . Finally the Rabbi said: "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?" Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
539565	2007-04-11 08:35:00	Wot???? Nobody got any jokes to share again, or are the resident joke-bearers on an extended weekend holiday?? Here's another to kick-start your humour juices: A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall . He approached a uniformed Policeman and said, "I've lost my Granddad!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied: "Glenfiddich whisky and hot women with big bazookas . " Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
539566	2007-04-11 09:30:00	A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much for a tooth extraction. “Eighty-five pounds, sir" was the dentist's reply. "Och, have ye nay got anything cheaper," replies the Scot. "But that's the normal charge for an extraction," said the dentist. "Er, weel, pains no a problem so what aboot if ye dinnay use any anesthetic," asks the Scotsman hopefully. "Well, it's highly unusual sir, could be quite painful, but if that's what you want, I suppose I could do it for 70 pounds." The Scotsman scratches his chin a while. "Hmmmm, I said I'm no carin' aboot a wee bit o' pain,what aboot if ye used one o' yer dentist trainees and still wi' no anesthetic ?" The dentist replied, "Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism and it will certainly be a lot more painful. However, in that case I could bring the price down to 40 pounds." "Och, tha's still a tad too much for me purse. I'll tell yer what, man. How aboot if ye make it a training session and have yer student do the extraction without anesthetic and the other students standin' aroond watchin' and learnin'" said the Scotsman hopefully. "Errr, well, OK," said the dentist. " It'll be good for the students I suppose. Under those circumstances, I think I could bring the price down to just ten pounds." "Now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal", said the Scot. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday?" __________________________________________________ ___________________________ The Nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?" Sally raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." "Why do you think it's your hands, Sally? asked the Nun Sally replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first." "What a wonderful answer!" the Nun said. "You sweet girl". > Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Please Sister, I think it's your feet." The nun stared at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, tell us all Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?" Johnny,excited that he had been invited to offer an idea to the class, jumped up and said: "Well, I went into Mommy and Daddy's room the other night and Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was shouting, "Oh ! God, I'm coming!" "If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her." The Nun fainted.	R2x1 (4628)
539567	2007-04-11 10:17:00	From: www.usj.com.my An American, a Japanese and a Chinese went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted. When they came upon a small lake, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water, since it was fairly secluded. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group of ladies from town appeared. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the American and the Japanese quickly used their hands to cover their privates. But the Chinese covered his face while they ran for cover. After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on. The American and the Japanese asked the Chinese why he covered his face rather than his private part. The Chinese replied, "I don't know about you, but in my country, it's the face that people recognize." From: www.usj.com.my One winter morning in Pennsylvania a couple was listening to the radio while eating breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they were again eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park .." Then the electric power went off. Norman's wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman said "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time. From: www.usj.com.my Our FRIEND WAS chatting with a female - Online chat. (Background both are software engineers by the way and both work for real big MNC's) Hero: Hey...GM (Good Morning)... How's u doing today? Female: VGM...Day is going good and it got better having found u on chat Hero: wow...am honoured, u know what, my day starts only when I find you on Chat Female: Yep...me too feel the same...Brb (be right back)'ll get some Coffee. Hero: OK (Hero waits impatiently. Meanwhile, his manager comes to his desk ). Manager: Hey, I need some help from you Hero : [**** This guy always comes at wrong time] Yeah tell me. Manager: Could u write a program for me which generates nth prime number, Given value of n. Would you give this by today evening? Hero: I would do that, but I think it's quite hard, is it ok with you, if I Give it by tomorrow evening. Manager: Yeah, that would be fine. Thank you [Leaves the place] (Our hero sighs and stares at his monitor waiting impatiently for Female to Arrive. All of a sudden smiles on his face. Over to chat window...) Female: Hey, am back Hero: cool, you know what my manager does, he's kinda..... keeps asking stupid tings, tries to give me stupid work.... $*#&$@ Female: Yeah, it's the same everywhere. Real sick ppl these managers are!! Hero: Yep, u rite!! Female: Hey, can u do me a favor Hero : *smiles* sure, why not. Female: Hey, I want you to write me a program to print nth prime Number, given N. Would you give that to me by tomorrow evening? Plzzz. You know it's real Urgent for me to work this out Hero : hey, that's a one-hour's work. Sure check Ur mail in an hour from now. ok? Female: THIS IS WHAT I ASKED U WHEN I CAME TO YOUR WORK PLACE. NOW YOU KNOW WHO I AM ...!! AND ONE MORE POINT.... YOUR 1 HOUR TIME STARTS NOW !!	Renmoo (66)
539568	2007-04-11 12:14:00	Man I love all these jokes!!! Being Chinese myself, I wonder what part of my body I would cover if I ever got into the sticky situation depicted in JamesKan's joke. :D	qazwsxokmijn (102)
539569	2007-04-11 12:20:00	qazwsxokmijn - All of it would be covered - - with confusion.	R2x1 (4628)
539570	2007-04-11 13:59:00	qazwsxokmijn - All of it would be covered - - with confusion. What's that supposed to mean....? :D :p	qazwsxokmijn (102)
539571	2007-04-11 21:21:00	A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment. Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it The pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading "WHERE AM I?" and hold it up for the building's occupants to see. People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer."	pcuser42 (130)
539572	2007-04-11 21:50:00	What's that supposed to mean....? :D :pRoughly meaning you would be "covered with confusion" (Google it :thumbs:) and not a lot of anything else. Confusion keeps out neither cold nor curious gazes, but is popular nevertheless. It is a fairly old phrase, but possibly does not translate too well if you take it literally. I meant it as a rough sort of pun, apparently I missed. :annoyed:	R2x1 (4628)
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