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Thread ID: 78442	2007-04-15 20:42:00	Monday Laughs: New miracle 'Cat' diet..............	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
541296	2007-04-16 00:23:00	We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one: Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable . No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying . On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating . I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day . By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty . Initially, the new acquisition was no problem . Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen . "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again . Please come reset it . " "You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam . "Reset it yourself!" "But I'm scared!" she persisted . "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon it'll only take you a second . " So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly . Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button . It is the last action I remember performing . It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances . No, it wasnt the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth . It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs . She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink . And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws . . I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region . Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome . Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option . I know this from experience . I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent . The impact knocked me out cold . When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me . Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics . Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter and not succeeding . Somehow I lived through it all . A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury . I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was . "Whats the matter?' They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?" If they only knew! PS . Why is it that only the women laugh at this????	FoxyMX (5)
541297	2007-04-16 02:41:00	arrrrghh!	Billy T (70)
541298	2007-04-16 02:58:00	Here y' go Foxy, can't have you losing your appetite, leastways not after licking all those garlic lids clean . Granny's medicine do the trick? I don't know what happened to the original post, :o but for once I copied instead of cutting, so the original stayed put . Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people . For those us who have never had any success dieting, now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite) . The Miracle Cat Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure . Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food and be ready to extend it for several weeks until you reach your target weight . Good Luck! DAY ONE Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food . Any flavour as long as it cost more than $1 . 75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate . Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully . Knock the rest on the floor . Stare at the wall for a while before stalking off into the other room . Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail . Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house . Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead . Eat one wing . Leave the rest to die . Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate . Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refridgerator . Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it . Leave the other half on the sofa . Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning . DAY TWO Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa . Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set . Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it . Lunch: Break into the bag of fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday . Lick the top of it all over . Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf . Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house . Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead . Allow it to escape under the bed . Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well . Eat it voraciously . Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug . Promptly throw up on the rug . Step into it as you leave . Track footprints across the entire room . DAY THREE Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking . Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find . Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house . Play with on top of your down-filled comforter . Make sure the bird is seriously injured, but not dead, before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with . Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own . Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor . FINAL DAY Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor . Drink lots of water . Throw up the bugs and all of the water onto your spouse's or partner's pillow . Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can . Drag the skin across the floor several times . Chew it in a corner and then abandon . Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food . Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy . Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and go hard . Second Week Mix 'n match items from week one as your mood takes you . Ignore previously favourite foods completely . Substitute mouse for bird and disembowel before leaving on pillow, alive . If feeling peckish later in the evening, introduce half a rat into diet as a pre-bed snack, leave other half under bed . Store chicken and giblets from last week at bottom of underwear drawer as emergency rations . Repeat . Cheers Billy 8-{) PS My version is a bit different to SJ's, I like to embellish 'em a bit	Billy T (70)
541299	2007-04-16 07:05:00	Rules For Cats Who Have A House To Run... Mine have added a few: 1)When human is typing lean on the keyboard, the buffer full beeping is fun. 2)When human prints important documents leap off their knees and attack the paper as it starts to emerge from the printer and cause a jam. If paper successfully emerges anyway, eat it. 3)When snazzy new computer parts arrive harrass the courier driver then scatter polystyrene all over the room. 4)Chew the components boxes while the parts are being assembled. 5)When screws and other small objects are dropped bat them under the nearest hard to move piece of furniture. 6)When human plays game, lie on top of the PC and smack the DVD open/close button repeatedly. Remove DVD with claws if it stays open too long.	pctek (84)
541300	2007-04-16 11:26:00	Not sure whether the topic today is diets or cats... Anyway: THE CATS' BILL OF RIGHTS 1. Humans shall make no law respecting an establishment of boundaries or prohibiting the free exercise therein, or abridging the freedom of access, or the right to peaceful assembly. In other words: The cat is entitled to go outside anytime he wants. 2. A well-carried provisional chamber, being necessary to the fulfilment of a feline's whims, shall not be infringed. In other words: The cat is entitled to EAT anytime he wants. 3. The right of the feline to be secure in their domain and effects against unreasonable discomposure, shall not be violated. In other words: The cat is entitled to SLEEP anytime he wants. 4. Humans shall issue no warrants or decrees or edicts as prescribed to the demarcation of possessions or property which are in direct conflict with right of life, liberty and the pursuit of feline affirmation. In other words: The cat is entitled to sleep ANYWHERE he wants. 5. The feline shall be immune to all criminal accusations, indictments and complaints. The accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and impartial dismissal of any and all charges provided said feline's compulsory right to obtain any or all witnesses, including character witnesses, are obtained in his favour. In other words: Cats can do anything they want as long as it's cute. 6. Neither serfdom, vassalage, or involuntary servitude will be tolerated, except by said cats in proprietorship of their humans. In other words: What I say goes. (And I say feed me ... Again.) 7. No Canis familiaris shall, in time of peace or at any other time, be quartered in any dwelling without the consent of the potentate, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by sovereign. In other words: No dogs in the house without my permission. 8. The right of the feline to be protected against unreasonable search and seizures shall not be breached or infringed upon at anytime or any place. In other words: Don't disturb me when I am sleeping. And: HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL... 1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Jack Daniels. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap. 13) Tie the front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 14) Consume remainder of Jack Daniels. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from your right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any guinea pigs.	johcar (6283)
541301	2007-04-17 04:03:00	How to give a dog a pill..... Shove it in some dogrol and hand the lump to dog....	personthingy (1670)
541302	2007-04-17 06:01:00	How to give a dog a pill..... Shove it in some dogrol and hand the lump to dog.... As difficult as that? All we do is offer the pill and the fur kid gobbles it up. :rolleyes: :D	FoxyMX (5)
541303	2007-04-18 10:45:00	ah, our dog will eat anything except pills(and i mean ANYTHING, including lollies, advent calendars, christmas presents, christmas tree) but if we put them in a sausage/pie he won't even know, just be damn sure he didn't see you put it in. same for anti-flea stuff. as soon as he sees a person holding a tube he does a runner. we have to get one or more people to distract him with food/attention while another sneaks up behind to apply flea stuff in under 5 seconds.	motorbyclist (188)
541304	2007-04-18 21:56:00	same with our dog - we even caught him knock a jar of pickled onions off the table and smashed it on the floor - then started to eat the onions :waughh: he also likes to eat wasps and bees and other bugs with stingers - then 10 minutes later we have to take him to the vet cause he has a rather swollen tounge and is looking very sorry for himself :dogeye: but he will refuse to eat anything in pill form - we have to wrap it up in a slice of ham and give it to him that way - he doesn't know the difference :p	MAC_H8ER (5897)
541305	2007-04-18 22:01:00	Keeping my dear grrls nose out of the compost bucket when there is Avocado is beyond physical possibility! mmmmmmmmmm!!!!! I'd say she had taste, but then i've seen what she'll gladly eat from side of road . . . . . :waughh:	personthingy (1670)
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