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Thread ID: 78442	2007-04-15 20:42:00	Monday Laughs: New miracle 'Cat' diet..............	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
541286	2007-04-15 20:42:00	Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people . For those us who have never had any success dieting, now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! Faithfully folowed, this diet WILL work for you too! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite) . The Miracle Cat Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure . Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food and be ready to extend it for several weeks until you reach your target weight . Good Luck! DAY ONE Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food . Any flavour as long as it cost more than $1 . 75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate . Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully . Knock the rest on the floor . Stare at the wall for a while before stalking off into the other room . Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail . Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house . Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead . Eat one wing . Leave the rest to die . Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate . Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refridgerator . Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it . Leave the other half on the sofa . Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning . DAY TWO Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa . Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set . Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it . Lunch: Break into the bag of fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday . Lick the top of it all over . Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf . Afternoon snack:	Billy T (70)
541287	2007-04-15 21:19:00	Aw Billy- where's the rest? I get hungry in the afternoon :dogeye:	Shortcircuit (1666)
541288	2007-04-15 21:22:00	I have one fat cat. She eats very little, just a few cat biscuits. But she lays around all day and rarely moves. Then there is the medium size cat. She eats anything. Including next doors dog food. And birds. And table scraps. But she is quite active so it stops her from being huge. Then there is my supermodel cat. She is the lean, mean racing machine. She spends all day outdoors racing up and down trees and stalking birds. And eating them if she catches any. She doesn't like people food much nor cat food much either although she'll come in and eat some if she hasn't had any birds. So its not diet so much as activity. Just like people.	pctek (84)
541289	2007-04-15 21:23:00	..got the rest of it here: Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed. Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room. DAY THREE Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find. Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with. Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor. FINAL DAY Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow. Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon. Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.	SurferJoe46 (51)
541290	2007-04-15 21:25:00	So its not diet so much as activity. Just like people. Thanks pctek, I'll remember that when I'm lying on the sofa watching Oprah :o	Shortcircuit (1666)
541291	2007-04-15 21:26:00	Thanks too Joe :)	Shortcircuit (1666)
541292	2007-04-15 21:29:00	Dog Property Rules 1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If its in my mouth, it's mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine. 6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway. 7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine. 8. If I saw it first, it's mine. 9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine. 10. If its broken, it's yours. The Code of Ethical Behavior for Patients 1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort. Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity. 2. Be cheerful at all times. Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get. 3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated. Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold. 4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief. You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced. 5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it. It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand. 6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily. Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest. 7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly. You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians. 8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford. It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means. 9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor. The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure. 10. Never die while in your doctor's presence or under his direct care. This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.	SurferJoe46 (51)
541293	2007-04-15 21:49:00	An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully . From morning until night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something . The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule . He tried to plow a lot . One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field . He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump and began to eat his lunch . Immediately, his wife began harassing him again . Complain, nag, nag . It just went on and on . All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head . It killed her dead on the spot . At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd when a woman mourner would approach the old farmer . He would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement, but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement . This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it . So, after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men . The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement . " "And what about the men"? the minister asked . "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale . " :D	smithie 38 (6684)
541294	2007-04-15 22:44:00	Aw Billy- where's the rest? I get hungry in the afternoon :dogeye: I think I know why Billy left that part out :eek: EDIT: I will add a little about my cats... one (the oldest) is lazy for days on end... eating little and then all of a sudden she goes off for a few days and comes back still eating little... and she is not large at all... And then there is my big guy :D he eats like there is no tomorrow... we go through over 1kg of cat buscuits a week!! and he is out most days, there is the odd exception when I have had him outside and played with him, all he does is sleep the whole day... and he is not fat, but large... and he snores... :eek:	The_End_Of_Reality (334)
541295	2007-04-16 00:17:00	Rules For Cats Who Have A House To Run... I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs. II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot. III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare. IV. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering". Following are the rules for "hampering": a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you. d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Holiday cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump. V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills. VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.	FoxyMX (5)
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