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Thread ID: 79454	2007-05-20 21:39:00	Monday Laughs: Yet more lists.......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

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551539	2007-05-20 21:39:00	I've got more lists than a yacht race in a typhoon . . . . REAL NEWSPAPER ADS . . . . . . *FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER . 8 years old . Hateful little dog . Bites . *FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG . Looks like a rat . . . been out a while . Better be a reward . *COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED . Also 1 gay bull for sale . *GEORGIA PEACHES California grown - 89 cents lb . *JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300 . *WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE . Call Stephanie . *AND THE BEST ONE : FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes Excellent condition $1,000 or best offer No longer needed, got married last month . Wife knows everything . ******************** Golf . . . . . . . . *Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer . *Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up . You swing left and the ball goes right . The lowest score wins . And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks . *"Golf is harder than baseball . In golf, you have to play your foul balls . *If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble . *Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot . *The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul it again . " *A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers . . . neither of whom can putt very well . *An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse . *Golf's a hard game to figure . One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green . The next day you go out and for no reason at all, you really stink . *If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt," you might wish to reconsider this game . *Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you . *Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive . *The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil . " ******************* IDIOTS AT LARGE . . . . . . . . *IDIOT AT SEARS: WE had to have the garage door repaired . The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener . I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time a 1/2 horsepower . He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower . " I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 . He said, "NO, it's not . " Four is larger than two . We haven't used Sears repair since . ______________________________________ *IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area . We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road . The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore . " ______________________________________ *IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco . She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce . " He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg . He was a Chef? Yep . . . From Kansas City ! ______________________________________ *IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge . To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask . " Happened in Birmingham , Ala . ______________________________________ *IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street . I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine . She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for . I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red . Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS ______________________________________ *IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker . She was leaving the company due to "downsizing . " Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun . We should do this more often . " Not another word was spoken . We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare . This was a bunch at Texas Instruments . ______________________________________ *IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on . A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less . ______________________________________ *IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door . As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked . "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open! His reply, "I know - I already got that side . " This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi ! STAY ALERT! They walk among us! Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
551540	2007-05-20 23:41:00	I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge. To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." :lol: :groan: Brilliant STAY ALERT! They walk among us!And the perfect one-liner to finish it off!	mejobloggs (264)
551541	2007-05-20 23:49:00	Ok i actually have 2 lists list 2 is probably only funny to programmers though, (sadly enough it made me laugh although i spent more time on the binary to decimal conversions) SALAD DODGER. An excellent phrase for an overweight person. SWAMP-DONKEY A deeply unattractive person. TESTICULATING Waving your arms around and talking bollocks. BLAMESTORMING Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. SEAGULL MANAGER A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. ASSMOSIS The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard. SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die. CUBE FARM An office filled with cubicles. PRAIRIE DOGGING When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.) SITCOMs Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops> working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business". SINBAD Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate. AEROPLANE BLONDE One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. ADMINISPHERE The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes. GOING FOR A McSH*T Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a Mc**** with Lies. 404 Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located. AUSSIE KISS Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under. Embarassed OH - NO SECOND That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just Made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all'). GREYHOUND A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare. JOHNNY-NO-STARS A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training. MILLENNIUM DOMES The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing. MONKEY BATH A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: " Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa! ". MYSTERY BUS The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the Toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in. MYSTERY TAXI The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead. BEER COAT The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3:00am. BEER COMPASS The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from. BREAKING THE SEAL Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night. TART FUEL Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women. PICASSO BUM A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks. List 2 taken from librenix (librenix.com) The lifecycle of a programmer * binary age(*) 0 > 1 (baby): learns structure of first language * 1 > 10 (toddler): walks, learns many keywords of first language and significance of context, develops philosophy of life * 10 > 100 (little kid): violates rules of language, is housetrained (usually) * 100 > 1000 (brat): violates intent of language, starts school to learn new ways to abuse language * 1000 > 10000 (big kid): reaches physical maturity, reverts to subset of language with local variations -- causing parsing errors among programmers of all other ages * 10000 > 100000 (trainee): reaches mental maturity (usually), learns new languages, starts to work (usually), marries (maybe) * 100000 > 1000000 (programmer): reaches emotional maturity (usually) and begins to decline physically, works, dreams of times of no work both past and future, divorces (usually), remarries (maybe) * 1000000 > 10000000 (curmudgeon): forgets languages, declines in usefulness; almost all programmers are retired during this age range, although in the past some remained working well into this range to deactivate millenium(**) bugs in their older code * => 10000000 (zombie): this is currently not possible due to the age field having been defined as a signed char; while negative ages are not logically possible, it is believed that the negative range was once used for returning errors from age-related functions and this definition has been retained for historical compatibility (the language committee apologizes for any inconvenience this may cause) * age expressed in complete cycles around the main energy object ** primitive languages used an obsolete numbering system called 'base ten' which somehow encouraged programmers to create date bugs related to the value 11111010000 (?)	Morgenmuffel (187)
551542	2007-05-21 00:49:00	Another OBG: WANTED - - Middleaged woman for marriage . Must like to camp, clean fish and relax on the beach with her love for life . Must own a boat and trailer . Submit picture of boat .	SurferJoe46 (51)
551543	2007-05-21 04:20:00	Things it takes most of us 50 years to learn: 1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it. 2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time. 3. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 4. The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip. 5. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers. 6. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11. 7. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." 8. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 9. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings." 10. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them. 11. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and he decides to deliver a message to humanity, he will NOT use as his messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle or in some cases, really bad make-up too. 12. You should not confuse your career with your life. 13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter/janitor, is not a nice person. 14. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. 15. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. 16. Your true friends love you anyway. 17. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.	johcar (6283)
551544	2007-05-21 06:41:00	A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control. He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!" They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!" They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"	SurferJoe46 (51)
551545	2007-05-21 06:55:00	A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!" The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DOS Beer -- Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!	SurferJoe46 (51)
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