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Thread ID: 79649	2007-05-27 19:59:00	Monday Laughs: Jokes for Groan-ups only.......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
553633	2007-05-27 19:59:00	Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian . The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area . Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten . . . " As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark . Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate . Time went on (as it invariably does . . . ) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark . All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them . Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight . While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck . Justin figured that the Cod could change him back into a prawn, so he begs the fish to change him back and lo and behold, he is instantly turned back into a prawn . With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail . (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse) . Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal . "Where's Christian?" he asked . "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply . Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house . As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back . He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again . " Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me . You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked . " Justin cried back "No, I'm not . That was the old me . I've changed . " . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . (keep going . . . . . ) "I've found Cod . I'm a prawn again Christian" ********************************** A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him . The waitress asks them for their orders . The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich . A short time later the waitress returns with the order . "That will be $9 . 40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment . The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke . " The ostrich says, "I'll have the same . " Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change . This becomes routine and after a few days, they enter again and the waitress asks: "The usual?" "No, being Friday night, I think I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man . "Same," says the ostrich . The waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32 . 62 . " Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table . The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer . "Excuse me, sir . How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp . When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes . My first wish was that whenever I have to pay for anything, I can just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will always be there . " "That's brilliant!" says the waitress . "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right . Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man . The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?" (keep going . . . . . you know the drill) The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say . " Cheers Billy 8-{) :p	Billy T (70)
553634	2007-05-27 21:26:00	A little girl and her mother were out and about . The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, how old are you? The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age . You'll learn this as you get older . " The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about . You'll learn this, too, as you grow up . " The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now . " The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play . She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation . The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license . It's just like a report card from school . It tells you everything . " Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again . The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are . You're 39 years old . " The mother is very shocked . She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?" The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know . And I know how much you weigh . You weigh 145 pounds . "Where did you learn that?" The little girl says, "I just know . And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce . You got an 'F' in sex . " :)	smithie 38 (6684)
553635	2007-05-28 11:47:00	A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo . Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe . We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive . As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: Scroll Down You got Male	MntemT (11904)
553636	2007-05-28 12:57:00	A driving enthusiast was very wrapped up with his new M5 BMW, and was cruising down a freeway a comfortable 30 ks over the speed limit when he notices a patrol car pull out of a layby with flashing lights and set after him. He thinks, I can easily shake him off, and then plants his foot heavily on the accelerator, and with satisfaction watches the patrol car shrink in the rear view mirror. Suddenly having a second thought , he thinks, what the hell am I doing? He almost certainly got my number and will call ahead and I will be really in trouble, so he eases off, and the cop catches up to him. Well, whats the hurry the officer asks, thought you could get away from me, the driver sits silently like a stunned mullet. "Look", says the cop, "Its the end of my shift, I having a long weekend off, I want to get away early, and I have more than enough paperwork to get through before I can finish for the day. If you can give me a story that I haven't heard before I will call it quits!" "Well " says the driver, " it's like this last week my wife ran off with a Police Officer, and when I saw your car behind me, I was terrified he was trying to give her back." > > > > > > "Have a nice day." says the cop getting back into his car.	KenESmith (6287)
553637	2007-05-29 23:55:00	Ken - I told that joke at a wedding where the groom was on his second marriage. Seemed pretty funny to me but it went down like a lead balloon..... :horrified Some folks just aint got humour. :yuck:	Winston001 (3612)
553638	2007-05-30 01:37:00	A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo . Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe . We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive . As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: Scroll Down You got Male He he that was quite clever:lol:	rob_on_guitar (4196)
553639	2007-05-30 03:38:00	I know it's Wednesday...but thought I'd add this. At the church's husband's marriage seminar, the Priest asked Luigi, on his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I'v-a tried to treat-a her well, spend-a the money on her, but-a, da best-a is-a dat I took her to Italy for the 20th-a anniversary! The Priest immediately commented, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary..." Luigi proudly replied, "I'm-a gonna go and-a get her."	Marnie (4574)
553640	2007-05-30 06:33:00	A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo . Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe . We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive . As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: Scroll Down You got Male He he that was quite clever:lol: Way to quote a long post .	roddy_boy (4115)
553641	2007-05-30 07:27:00	A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."	Cicero (40)
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