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Thread ID: 80281	2007-06-17 20:44:00	Monday Laughs: I'm too cold to think topical.....Here's some Monday miscellanea......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
560227	2007-06-17 20:44:00	Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint little sitting room and invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but finally it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Aren't they wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. I've changed the water regularly to keep it fresh and do you know, I haven't had the flu all winter!" ********************************* A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the vehicle, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent, then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me." The frightened passenger apologised to the driver and said he didn't realise a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who should apologise, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a taxi. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years! ********************************* I took a look at my wife one day and said, "30 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 55-year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year old blonde, and in turn she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis!!!! Cheers Billy 8-{) :blush:	Billy T (70)
560228	2007-06-17 22:16:00	A young boy had just got his driver's license and enquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car . His father said, "I'll make a deal with you . You bring your grades up from a C to a B Average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car . " Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and decided to settle for the offer, and they agreed on it . After about six weeks they went into the study, where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud . You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study groups . But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't got your hair cut . " The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair also . " To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"	FoxyMX (5)
560229	2007-06-17 22:19:00	Helen, Michael and Winston are flying to Auckland Helen looks at Michael, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100 . 00 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy . " Micheal shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10 . 00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy . " Winston says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1 . 00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy . " The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says to his co-pilot, "Such Bigshots back there . . . . . I could throw all of them out the window and make millions happy . "	FoxyMX (5)
560230	2007-06-17 22:20:00	A handsome young man walks into the office of a Hollywood agent with his resume . He introduces himself as Penis Van Lesbian . The agent reviews the young man's slim resume and says, "You have the obvious good looks and excellent demeanor of an actor . I think you could go far . Have you had any roles that I might be aware of . " "Other than high school plays, no sir," says the young man . "I know the reason -- it's your name," says the agent . "Penis Van Lesbian is a name that will hold you back . I'd love to represent you, but you'll have to change your name . " "Sir," the young man replies, "Penis Van Lesbian was my father's, my grandfather's and his father's name . I will not change it for any reason . " "If you won't change your name, I cannot represent you," says the agent . With that, Penis Van Lesbian leaves the agent's office never to return . Five Years Later . . . The agent arrives at his office and shuffles through his mail . He opens an envelope and removes a letter . A cheque for $50,000 drops onto his desk . He reads the letter: Dear Sir: Several years ago you refused to represent me unless I changed my name from Penis Van Lesbian . Later, I thought about it and I decided your advice might be a good idea after all . But instead of completely changing my name, I abbreviated it, still keeping the flavor of the original . Now I am a rich and famous actor, known to millions worldwide . I owe you a debt of gratitude for your advice, so please accept this check with my humble thanks -- for it was your idea which has brought me to such wealth and fame . Very Sincerely Yours, Dick Van Dyke	smithie 38 (6684)
560231	2007-06-17 23:09:00	Hmmmm It's more than words, mans best friend (pressf1.co.nz t%20friend)	Morgenmuffel (187)
560232	2007-06-17 23:36:00	Billy Connolly on Retirement What do retired people do all day? Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting . Well for example, the otherday I went into town and went into a shop . I was only in there for about 5minutes, when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket . I went up to him and said,"Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a f***** break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket . I called him a Nazi turd . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires . So I called him a s---head . He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first . Then he started writing a third ticket . This went on for about 20 minutes . The more I abused him, themore tickets he wrote . Personally, I didn't care . I came into town by bus . I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired . It's important at my age . . . . . . .	SolMiester (139)
560233	2007-06-17 23:43:00	Hmmmm It's more than words, mans best friend (pressf1.co.nz t%20friend) lets try that again (www.boysstuff.co.uk)	Morgenmuffel (187)
560234	2007-06-18 00:25:00	Harold the Computer Guy I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an 'ID ten T' error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but I nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T Error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?" Harold grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." So I wrote it down. I D 1 0 T I used to like Harold...	johcar (6283)
560235	2007-06-18 05:19:00	Billy Connolly on Retirement What do retired people do all day? Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting . Well for example, the otherday I went into town and went into a shop . I was only in there for about 5minutes, when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket . I went up to him and said,"Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a f***** break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket . I called him a Nazi turd . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires . So I called him a s---head . He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first . Then he started writing a third ticket . This went on for about 20 minutes . The more I abused him, themore tickets he wrote . Personally, I didn't care . I came into town by bus . I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired . It's important at my age . . . . . . . LOL! Billy Connolly is awesome:thumbs: :D	beeswax34 (63)
560236	2007-06-18 05:34:00	Something i found off a Tech Support Story Website :D A customer had bought a computer from us about a year ago and a Voodoo 3 card just yesterday . He took it home and tried to install it but couldn't, so he brought them both in this morning . He ranted and raved, etc . He had reboxed the Voodoo 3, expecting a replacement, so we took the computer and the Voodoo 3 in the back and told him we would fit it for free . When we opened the box for the Voodoo 3, it was in a terrible state . The bit of metal that attaches the card to the case was taken off, and a wee heatsink had been scraped off the chip with a screwdriver . I reglued the sink and reattached the backplate . So we opened the machine, and tried to fit the card . Ack . Card is AGP, computer has exactly zero AGP slots . So we went back to the front . * Me: "Sir, your computer has no AGP slots, and this is an AGP video card . " * Customer: "Yeah, but the card fit perfectly into the little white slot . " * Me: "Which white slot?" * Guy: "There's five of them -- little white ones . There's a spare one . " * Me: "The PCI slot? Uhh . . . it shouldn't . . . let me check . " Sure enough, if you remove the heatsink and backplate, turn the card around, and really hammer it into the only free PCI slot, it will just fit snugly next to the hard disk . We explained that the AGP card was completely destroyed and he had voided the warranty on it by hacking away at it with a screwdriver . The usual mad customer vs . techie exchange ensued, but he eventually backed down and bought the PCI version instead . . . and got us to fit it .	MAC_H8ER (5897)
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