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Thread ID: 80913	2007-07-09 06:26:00	Monday Laughs: Weird folk............	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
567307	2007-07-09 06:26:00	Bubba of Woodbury, Tennessee, went to a psychiatrist . "I've got problems . Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it . I'm scared . I think I'm going crazy . " "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink . "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears . " "How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor . " "I'll sleep on it," said Bubba . Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street . "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist . "Well eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A Barber cured me for $10 . I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!" "Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a Barber cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now !!!" ************************************** The Newfie was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows . "Twenty dollars . . " she whispers . He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides, it's only twenty bucks so why not? So they hide in the bushes . They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them . It's a police officer . "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer . "I'm making love to my wifie! ," he answers indignantly . "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know . " "Well," he says, "neither did I, 'til you shined that damn flashlight in her face!!" "Newfie" = Newfoundlander, roughly equivalent to an Irishman in joke parlance . ************************************** A Scottish Jew who had worked hard all his life in Scotland decided that he would like to enjoy life a little, so he went to join the exclusive St . Andrews Golf Club . He was told on applying that his application would have to be approved by the Membership Board and that he would have their decision in a couple of days . Two days later he was told that his application was refused, so he went there to find out why . He was asked, "You're Jewish, aren't you?" "Aye" he answered, "but I'm as Scottish as you are Jock . " "Well, you understand that we wear nothing under our kilts . " "Aye, I know that . " "And being Jewish, you must be circumcised . " "Aye, I am that" Well, the Board decided that they could not allow a circumcised man to walk our course with us . " "Och, away with ye man," he cried . "I know I must be a Protestant to march in the Orangeman's parade, and a Catholic to belong to the Knights of Columbus, but this is the first time I've ever heard that a man had to be a complete prick to be a Scotsman!" Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
567308	2007-07-09 07:08:00	A man runs into a heavy metal bar. ♪♫♪ He required three stitches and a week off work	bob_doe_nz (92)
567309	2007-07-09 08:14:00	A man goes into hospital with a split personality You can visit him in wards 6 and 7.	Hitech (9024)
567310	2007-07-09 10:10:00	Three Holy Men and a Bear A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus." The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."	johcar (6283)
567311	2007-07-09 11:31:00	And another.... The Nail - Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the beam just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" So then the farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one...right here." Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?" That's simple. By the nail over its stall", Maggie explains very confidently. Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?" She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your trousers on." (Yes I know we don't keep cows inside in NZ - but it flowed so nicely!!! :D)	johcar (6283)
567312	2007-07-09 22:10:00	Ponder these points - Can you cry under water? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why does a round pizza come in a square box? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What disease did cured ham actually have? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?	smithie 38 (6684)
567313	2007-07-09 23:43:00	Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window? Dogs are known for their sense of smell and when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad cos he finds out that you have not been cleaning your mouth for sometime now. :lol:	ronyville (10611)
567314	2007-07-10 10:46:00	This is a true story (and probably not for under 16's so be warned)... Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is Called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner(with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down: DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?" Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have." DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win." What is your name? First only please." Contestant: "Brian." DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?" Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married." DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please." Brian: "Sara." DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?" Brian: "She is gonna kill me." DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?" Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work." DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?" Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning." DJ: "Atta boy, Brian." Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..." DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?" Brian: "About 10 minutes." DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake." Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice." DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning? Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..." DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?" Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..." DJ: "Uh huh..." Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time." DJ: "Atta boy, Brian." Brian: "On the kitchen table." DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this." [3 minutes of commercials follow. ] DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sara, shall we?" (touch ones..... ringing....) Clerk: "Kinkos." DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?" Clerk: "This is she." DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now." Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?" DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... Do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?" Sara: "No." DJ: "Good!" Brian: (laughing) Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?" Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest." DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us. Sara: (laughing) "Yes." DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sara?" Sara: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work." DJ: "What time?" Sara: "Around 8 this morning." DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?" Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe." DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sara. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?" Sara: (laughing) "Yes." DJ: "Where did you have it?" Sara: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?" Brian: "Just tell him, honey." DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?" Sara: "Well..." DJ: Come on Sara..... where did you have it? Sara: "Up the a$$....." After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break" And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing	Myth (110)
567315	2007-07-10 11:39:00	I hope they won the trip for that. I almost fell off my chair :lol:	Greven (91)
567316	2007-07-10 11:52:00	:lol: :lol: :lol: . . . . . . . . . . . :lol: . cant stop laughin . . . :lol:	ronyville (10611)
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